Body Chemistry SUX!!!

[Thorne]

So, today is my partner's birthday.  I'm sooo hoping it will be a better day than yesterday, but I just woke up and already feel the fluttery tummy of a slow panic attack coming on.  I awakened with remembered dreams in which my Mom was crying and yelling and it was somehow up to me to fix whatever was wrong.  *sigh*  That was the kind of day I had, yesterday.  it felt like everyone around me had a meltdown of one sort or another (sad or angry), and that I was the repository of all their crap!  The 4th time my mom came over yesterday with her disjointed metaphorical circular communications, I felt myself spiralling down a deep dark hole...taking me further and further away...
It took everything I had to hold myself here, it felt.  All the while I'm thinking/feeling "none of this matters, it isn't real".  By evening, when my partner got home, I'd had enough.  When she walked in the door without saying hello, and started bitching about the kids in her parking space I almost blew up.  I told her that in my world, a "Hi, how was your day"? is mandatory as a prerequisite to any bitching.
So, that was the straw that broke this camel's back and I started a mini weep-fest.  I felt sorry for myself for awhile, tried to joke myself out of it...("You need anything?" she asked, "A cup of Drano", I replied.  Ha-ha  "Feeling a little hormonal, Babe"?, she asked "Don't you dare blame this on hormones, you are all a**holes", "I replied".
a coupl of hours later, watching some TV, crocheting, over myself, I began complaining of severe heartburn.  I turned to my partner and said "sh*t.  Maybe I am hormonal.  I've got heartburn, and I only get heartburn when my hormones are whacked out".  She started laughing.
So.  we have a title Body Chemistry Sux!!  I'm menopausal.  So, now I'm thinking I should track my dissociative episodes with my hormone imbalances (I'm not doing HRT), and see what happens.
Okay.  I'm off to have the best day I can, hormones notwithstanding.  I'm going to crank some music, bake my GirlyBoi a cake, and make her a big pot of stew, as per request.

[gloomy]

My hormones are really wicked to me for two weeks out of a month.  I have the works, intolerance, bitchiness, crying, poor me syndrome, hate the world etc.  loved the way you told your story.  I am 32 so have a few years of everything yet.  But my PMT got really bad after my 5th child. and subsequent sterilisation.  I love the way you try and be positive and pick yourself back up again I try hard to do that in stead of wallowing in self pity.  Just wanted to say gay marriage is legal in England now has been for about a year.  I am going to my best friends gay wedding shortly him and his partner have been together for 12 years and I think it will outdo Elton John from what he has told me lolx

[Thorne]

Thanx, gloomy!!  Don't even get me started on the Gay marriage thing and everything else that's wrong with this freaking country!!  I've thought seriously about moving to Canada or UK, but I don't think we could make it financially, what with uprooting the whole family!!
Well, so far I've only managed to take the beef for the stew out of the freezer....so much for positive attitude!!
No, really...I'm gonna get off of this damned computer and do something (even if it's wrong!!!   )  catch ya later!!!

[Thorne]

AAArrrggghhh!!!
*pant, pant* trying to get a deep breath.  Of course I would have a panic attack, now!!  I've been doing pretty okay today.  Sort of cruising along even though the freaking roasts got put in the freezer!!!  But I got them out and thawed enough to cut (I love the way frozen meat slices, don't you??) into big chunks to brown (I always like to brown stew meat before boiling it...searing the juices in is imperative), got the cake mixed and one layer into our tiny convection oven (my only oven right now, as my antique gas oven doesn't work).  Then Fawn (my daughter) got home and took mom her stuff, and I started circling in my mind.  Gods, I hate that.  I'm browning away, and keep playing over and over in my head, telling my mom that I was in the middle of browning the meat and couldn't get over to give her cat it's shot any sooner.  It was psychotic!  Around and around, the same thoughts/words cycling again and again.  I couldn't shut it off.  But at the same time, I was afraid if I didn't keep it formost in my mind, I'd forget and go on to the next thing.  Then I would see my mother walking in the door screaming about her poor f***ing cat and why didn't I come right over...blah...blah...blah...(I'm the only one here who can administer the shot).  So the meat got browned and into the pot with an onion, and I put some shoes on and went over to do the cat.  Of course we had to catch him first (he hates me for sticking him every month) then it took me 5 sticks to get it right!!!
AAAAK!  He was tense, I was tense, the medicine is sticky and seems to dull the needle.  I had to stop, and do some deep breathing to just get centered enough to do it.  Of couse, once I did that, it went like butter.  I felt so sorry for that poor cat.
So I came back home and am sitting here trying to breathe and vent and calm myself to back this attack to bearable proportions.
I feel soooo lonely, right now.

[apple]

Sweety...you sound so overwhelmed.  I know I cant stop your anxiety attacks or panic but I sure can say your not alone babe!!  We understand and have been there and it sucks, I hope you can relax when your sweety is home, and celabrate.

You arent alone ok  You can get thru this!

[Thorne]

Thanks, apple.  "This too shall pass", right?!

[GMan86]

This will pass. Good Luck and be strong!