...Is this where I belong?...

[Allurah]

As I stated in my title, I am not really sure if this is where I belong but here is my story. My name is Alissa and I’m 24 years old. I guess I could say that I’ve always been an anxious person for as long as I can remember. Always having that nervous, gut-feeling in the pit of my stomach but I just assumed it was normal. I would also have random feelings like I was awaiting something bad to happen and unfortunately, something always did. I would tell my family “I have a really bad feeling about something…” and they would tell me not to say that because they just knew when I felt that way, it was going to be bad…and it was only until very recently, I came to realize that these feelings of anxiety weren’t normal. This is how I’ve come to realize that I am a hypochondriac.

This whole situation began only a few months ago. I scheduled my routine yearly check-up with my OBGYN and the day of my appointment, I had a really bad feeling about going and almost didn't. Something inside me told me this was wrong, I just didn’t feel at ease about it. But I went anyway, and a week later I received the call..the call that would change my whole world. My pap results were abnormal… Abnormal?! I just couldn't grasp at the idea that something was wrong with me. Being 24 years old and relatively healthy (or so I thought) I just couldn't comprehend this!

After a gruelling biopsy (which I anxiously stewed about for 2 weeks prior to)...I had severe cervical dysplasia (pre-cancer) and needed to have it surgically removed.   Now I know this is probably a very common thing women deal with, but I personally have never had to endure anything like that in my entire life! So I anxiously awaited the surgery for 2 weeks, as the procedure did NOT sound all that appealing, and the idea of having pre-cancerous cells circulating in my body was overwhelming me. I was literally anxious every single day up until the surgery and having people constantly telling me "hey, at least it is PRE-cancer" and "oh, you'll be just fine" really got to me. Me being the person I am, I only hear what I want to hear and all I heard was CANCER. After the surgery was done (which WAS as bad as I made it out to be...) I started thinking about the fact that I had a bad feeling about going to the OBGYN in the first place and almost didn't go, and had I NOT gone, I would've never have discovered the pre-cancer and who knows what would've happened. They also discovered ovarian cysts (which I am just not even going to deal with right now...). I'm always worrying about them rupturing or causing damage to my insides...or even worse, my pre-cancer will come back. I'm constantly poking and pressing on my upper pelvic area b/c things just don’t feel right (either that, or it's all in my head, who knows...) I don’t want to find out what's going on in there   But I also don’t want to die of cancer either...

I have been having some awful panic attacks since then b/c of the constant worrying and even worse, symptom-checking; my head hurts, Google says "brain cancer"...my thigh throbs in pain, Google says "bone cancer"...my chest hurts, Google says "heart disease"....I get sharp cramping, Google says "cervical cancer" or "ovarian cancer", my chest aches, Google says "lung cancer"...then comes the rapid heartbeats, cold sweats, light-headedness, dizziness, hyperventilating after desperately gasping for breath, and pain in my chest and arms. The last BAD panic attack I had, I dropped to my knees and felt so disconnected from my surroundings and felt so out of control. It was terrifying...like I was GOING TO DIE!! Then I fainted.

I am fully aware that death is inevitable and is just a part of life and out of my control, but I am so afraid of dying and quite frankly, I am getting awfully tired of the idea of death consuming me. I mean, I have never wanted to die or really put much thought into it, but the thought of it was never a daily-consumption of "what if's" and symptom-checking. It also doesn’t help that I am terrified of doctors, hospitals, needles, surgery, tests, scans, blood work...all that noise!! I avoid going to the doctor at ALL COSTS!! So I have this constant battle with myself that if I don't see a doctor for things that aren't feeling right, it might be something worse than it really is, but on the other hand, I hate going to the doctor and wouldn't want to find out there is something wrong with me b/c I don’t want to die. I have a constant migraine, back aches, shoulder aches, neck pain, my jaw hurts, I have this horrible popping, clicking and crunching sound in my ears...the joints in my fingers hurt, I've been bruising easily, when I press on my tummy, my stomach makes this God-awful gurgling noise, I have this on and off dull cramping in my back on the right side, pelvic cramping…the list goes on. It's hard for me to tell what is real pain, or anxiety and oversensitivity/over-awareness to normal bodily functions...

I lie awake each and every night, desperately trying to fall asleep. But all I can focus on is my body and what it’s doing and what is hurting (or wondering if it is just my mind manifesting pain). I begin to feel as though my surroundings are crashing down around me and I fall into a terrifying panic that I can not escape no matter how hard I try! It’s by far the scariest feeling in the entire world.

What makes it even harder for me is the fact that my fiancé thinks I'm just "being silly", my family thinks it's ridiculous, and my friends do not understand. I am constantly being accused of behaving this way in some sort of a pathetic attempt to make people feel sorry for me or to gain attention or sympathy or downgrading somebody else! I must say, I most certainly am not health anxious for the attention nor do I seek any sympathy, and I most certainly do not do it to down-grade anyone else...I just merely want someone to listen. I just want to stop this internal battle I’m fighting within myself that I’m obviously losing and just talk to someone. Unfortunately, after my desperate attempts to be at peace, I’ve come to realize that the people in my life are selfish and only care about themselves. People always come to me b/c I'm the "funny friend" who is always there to cheer them up when things bring them down, but when I go to them genuinely concerned about my situation, they either think I'm joking and laugh (b/c yes, saying I have cancer of *insert body part here* sounds absolutely ridiculous but I'm HONESTLY petrified of it) or they interrupt me in mid-sentence and start rambling about THEIR problems. I've had to alienate myself from people b/c I am tired of not being taken seriously. No, I am NOT joking, I do not think this is funny and no, it's not just easy to stop thinking about it, otherwise, don’t you think I would?! I do not CHOOSE to be this way, I do not WANT to be this way and I do not want to LIVE this way...

[darkeye]

Hey Alissa, welcome...
Google can be so useful, but not in situations like this. I would suggest checking out the health anxiety section of this forum i think you will find it interesting and all the symtoms our brain can affect and cause.
I'm sorry to hear that your are going through this at the moment, but it can get better. 
I think people do find these things hard to understand, but just because they can't see it doesn't mean it's not real... it is very real. We all understand here, we are going through it to. I hope this 'zone' can offer you the support and comfort that we all need sometimes.
You really are not alone in this... you do belong here. 
You made a big step coming here, well done. Look forward to getting to know you and seeing you around the forums.
Take Care
D x

[cutebutpsycho]

Hi Alissa!
I'm sorry about your situation. I'd suggest the health anxiety section too. People who haven't experienced anxiety just don't understand. Some of them are kind and caring, but they just don't know what it feels like! My advice to you would be to just keep going. The people here at the Zone know you're not just being silly. You can post all your 'silly' questions, comments, stories, etc. on here, and nobody will think you're crazy. We will take you seriously.
Also, darkeye is right--Google is not your friend on this. You can take a little symptom--like a headache--and follow it anywhere. The problem is, most of the time a headache is just a headache. Health anxiety can do weird things to your thoughts though, so I understand.
I hope you like it here. I'm a lot less freaky when you get to know me a little. So welcome, congratulations on coming here (it's a good step), and I look forward to seeing more posts from you.

cutebutpsycho

[sixpack]

hi and welcome

you received some good advice here already.


and I third-------NO GOOGLING

[FeelingOptimistic]

Dear Allurah,

I would most definately say YES  , you belong here.  You've come to the right place for information, support, and advice.

I am 40-ish and have General Anxiety Disorder, that leads to Panic Attacks, which lead to Depression.     I have also been an anxious person for as long as I can remember.  About 10 years ago I had a health problem that I had convinced myself was going to kill me and that my children would have to grow up without a mother.  I had aches and pains and blips all over my body and googled them all.  NOT a smart thing to do.  I don't even let myself Google any more. 

And the "What ifs" (catastrophic thinking) were constant!  You have to change your thought processes so you don't even "go there" with the awfulizing.  And it is NOT easy.  People would tell me to "Just relax" or "Think happy thoughts" but that is easier said than done.  I hear you!  The problem was that the constant state of anxiety I was in played havoc with my nerves and because they were so sensitized, I started have Panic Attacks.  Then after I'd have one, I'd worry terribly about the next one (more anxiety) and the cycle would go on and on.

Anxiety is NOT silly, it's not something we can control, and if we could change that about ourselves, we would.  I am sorry that your friends don't take you seriously, that must be infuriating.  I really don't think that people who don't have anxiety have a clue, even if they mean well.  I shared some of the articles in the Symptoms folder on the GAD board with my husband so he could see that I wasn't alone.  I also thought the information articulated very well what it feels like to have this disorder.

The good news is that you're here and that the people here are very supportive.  Have you tried therapy, read any books, tried meds, etc...?  Those things can be very helpful.

I have seen a counselor etc... and finally tried meds after 10 years of daily suffering and I have felt much better.  There are times when anxiety is still pretty bad BUT I haven't had a Panic Attack since May.  There is hope.  You can get better, find peace, and feel "normal" again.  Remember that!

Hope to hear more from you and WELCOME aboard!

Feeling Optimistic

[OmMama]

Hi Allurah.

I am new here as well. I am so sorry you have been going through so much fear and worry. I can honestly say, I have been and am there. As I was reading your post I felt like you had taken a memory right from my head. I was ten weeks pregnant with my first daughter when they found  "moderate to severe cervical dysplasia" My colopscopy was intense as I was pregnant and so worried about them taking pieces of my cervix away. It wasn't until our first daughter was almost a year  old that I went back to find that I needed a LEEP. I handled it in stride at the time but I can honestly say that I stifled back a LOT of fear. I am glad to say that I have had clear PAP's since then and another healthy child.

The health anxiety is through the roof, though. I wish that I had a bit of advice for you but I am fresh on the road to recovery myself. Still learning to navigate this site. But I am happy to listen to you. Honestly and with understanding. The biggest thing that has helped me is that I am certainly NOT alone and that I have nothing to be ashamed of. I have an anxiety disorder. I read the post on "Accepting the Diagnosis" in Hypochondria that REALLY helped me. Thanks for sharing your story.

[Allurah]

Thank you all for your warm welcome and kind words. It's very encouraging to know that there are others out there who feel the same exact way I do.
It's definitely a relief especially when I go day-by-day in constant fear and being misunderstood. Yes, the ailments may not be real, but the fear I feel IS!

[xErica]

Hi Allurah, welcome!  A few years ago I had a pap and got the news that I had mild cervical dysplasia.  I had a biopsy and then had to have the LEEP procedure.  It was very scary for me as well.  Last year I found out that I have Lichen Sclerosis, which is a skin condition that causes a lot of pain (down there).  Hence it hurts and itches and is sore a lot of the time.  There isn't much anyone can do for it besides steroid cream once in a while.  It hurts to have sex so my husband and I don't do it that often.  We've only been married for a year and a half and I can probably count the number of times, lol.  But he is very patient and he says that my health is most important anyway.  We've been discussing having a child but that thought really terrifies me.  I worry that the "motherly instinct" won't set in.  I have zero experience with taking care of babies or infants.  I've held my nieces and nephews when they were babies, but I've never fed them or changed diapers or any of that.  If I have a child, how would I be able to take care of it when I'm so anxious all the time?  What if he/she starts crying and I have a panic attack and what if and what if... I also catastrophize my anxieties very frequently.  If I am terrified of raising a child, it's not like I can return him/her to the supermarket for a refund.  I know from talking with therapists and psychiatrists over the years that it's something as simple as retraining your thought process.  Positive thinking and taking small steps.  I have been struggling with anxiety problems for over 10 years and some days are easier than others.  Sometimes it is a struggle for me to get out of bed, but I do it and attempt to face the day.  If you ever need a friend or someone to talk to, feel free to write me.  Hope you are having a better day!
 
Erica