I feel like I'm doomed

[GUGAN]

This social anxiety thing is just taking over my life. It started when I was about 12 (very mildly) and its just esculated so much (im now 20). I don't have many friends (but I do have a wonderful boyfriend). Its funny because I can look back and realize how I had SAD when I was younger and just didnt realize it ( I HATED reading out loud in class, I would skip school to avoid presentations and gym class, I couldnt eat in front of people I did not know, I COULD not make any sort of eye contact with people, etc) 

I went to school for graphic design, but ended up quitting after 6 months, it was a small class (only about 10 people) and everyone was real close except me. I would turn red when someone would even ask for a pencil. We had to do critques (sp?) in class and I would "run to the bathroom" right before they got to mine. Eventually I quit because my whole day revolved around how I could avoid everyone today....

Now I have a job as a real estate agent ( you must think IM CRAZY for this one). But its weird because its not like it happens ALL the time. I work at a local coffee shop, and I can talk to soooooo many people there and laugh and joke around, but now at my real estate job its getting really bad again.

My office is small but I still turn RED when someone even looks at me. I'm terrified to go on a listing appointment because I will probably faint at their house lol.
I just dont know what to do anymore. It gets so bad at my office Im starting to think about quitting.... but its like.. NO MATTER what profession I choose, I have to deal with people, its going to happen no matter where I turn....

 I'm thinking of just giving up and getting disabilty and have a bunch of kids and live on welfare in the projects... seriously, I really think I would be happier with that than how I am right now....

[GMan86]

You just described EXACTLY how I feel and what I go through on a daily basis. I am also 20 years old and about a year ago started therapy. My advice to you is set your self up with a psychologist you feel comfortable with and a psychiatrist. Private message me ANYTIME you want to talk or have any questions what so ever. This is a great site and you have come to the right place. 

[GUGAN]

i would go to a psychologist, but i dont have insurance... i could never afford one, i've never looked into tho... maybe i should, what do i have to loose...
are u starting to improve aftera year of going??

[pinky5]

Gugan,

Hello. I know what you're talking about here with the blushing. I have a friend that has anxiety, but she doesn't blush, I'm very jealous. I blush all the time, well at least I have a healthy glow. I am the pale skin, blue eye type, so when I'm blushing, which is often, you can definitely notice. I blush so much, sometimes my eyes even get bloodshot, very attractive. (I'm not Pinky 5, for no reason) I am currently in college, so that is an ongoing challenge for me. Sometimes, when I first get to class, I am sitting there and I can feel myself start to blush. It's so frustrating, but believe me, you can't get rid of it by avoidance. Sometimes, if class hasn't started, I'll zip off to the washroom, breath, run cold water over my hands and dab the sweat off my face. Other times, I just sit there and breath and just try to accept the fact that I am blushing, and not hide. When I do this, it usually works, if I run to the bathroom, it takes even longer to get it together.

Don't give up, you can fight this. Of course if you really want to go have a bunch of kids and live on welfare, it's your choice. Just don't make choices out of fear. I'm the same as you, the description you gave of yourself in school, fits me exactly. I felt this way all through elementary and high school and it got so bad that I dropped out of school in grade 11 (twice) We have to face this, there are always going to be people to deal with in any job. If someone sees that you're nervous they are likely to give you support, not ridicule. The people who would be unkind to you in this situation, are just being jerks, so don't worry about them. There are lots of kind people out there. Just don't be afraid to let them know how you're feeling and let them support you. Everyone has their demons that they are wrestling with.

Rachel

[GMan86]

Yes, I have improved some from therapy. But there is only so much therapy can do. Medicine takes you the rest of the way. I started with medication about 3 months ago and its the best decision I've ever made.

[NightOwl]

My situation is pretty much like yours.  Only I haven't ever even been able to make myself get a job.  I did get a degree, but I almost gave up many many times.  The whole time at school I wanted to go home.

A lot of it comes from thinking people are judging you when in reality they are not.  For example, if you go somewhere, YOU are not judging every person around you and thinking bad things about them.  But it's hard to remember that or accept it or whatever.  And when people seem sad or nervous, such as the no eye contact thing (which I also do), they are probably feeling like they shouldnt start a conversation because they most likely think you (or I) do not want them to.

A few times people have just randomly said hi to me (strangers) and been friendly when I was just sitting somewhere obviously feeling terrible.  It actually made me feel a lot better.  When people are nice like that it builds the self0esteem.

I want to have a wife and have kids for real.  lol  Although that isn't smart.  Infortunately, unlike you, I don't have someone I could even have a family with right now.  lol  I am sure you were joking, but anyway....  at least be glad you have a good boyfriend.  I am sad all the time about only having a long distance gf who most likely is sick of me and my problems by now.

[GMan86]

Big props to you NightOwl with getting your degree under the conditions you are under. I'm in the process of getting mine even though it's a constant struggle. 

[NightOwl]

Thanks.  I don't know how I was able to, honestly.  I even went to school with little or no sleep almostevery day of classes.  I guess that should remind me I CAN be strong, but somehow it's hard to get myself thatw ay again. 

I know you will do fine also!

[GMan86]

Thanks I am trying