((((Courtney)))))
(cyber hugs are safe and non-invasive!!
)
I have been through a similar experience. It does get better, but in my case it altered my family structure permanently. It was difficult, but I have healed and am happy with my choices. Here's (this part of) my story.
When I got sober in ' 88 and by '89 I came to realize that I had been molested from age 12 to 15 by my paternal uncle. (I ran away at 15 to escape him) Before that realization, I had "blamed" myself, believing that I "seduced" him, with my irresistable (virgin), 12 year old budding sexuality. *sarcasm* When I realized that no matter that I flirted with him (as my only male role model, who should have been "safe"), it was his choice to molest me, and that I was indeed a "victim" rather than a "vixen", it was quite a shock.
I dealt with it through my 12 step program, molestation and incest support groups and therapy. I gave serious consideration to the potential consequences of my telling my family about the abuse. For a couple of years I decided it wasn't worth the potential upheaval in the family. I'd just continue to heal. The hardest part for me was trying to deal with the possibility that my mom had given him permission to molest me. He told me that, and although I didn't want to believe it, part of me did believe it.
Eventually, I began to avoid all family gatherings at which he would be present. i could no longer tolerate his playful, flirtatious banter, knowing what a pig he was. For about a year I repressed the fear that had prevented me from
ever allowing my daughter to be alone with him, but finally began to question that fear. I came to the realization that it was very likely that I wasn't "special", that indeed his 2 grown daughters
both exhibited behaviors of molestation victims, and I began to fear for his twin granddaughters, aged 4. For me, this was a slow process. it ate at me until I knew I couldn't live with myself if I didn't try to do something to protect those girls. By this time I was 32
He has to be stopped!!!! But really think about if it's something that you're doing out of revenge and to "feel better", or because you TRULY want this to stop and not ever let this happen to someone else.
It's okay, IMO, if your choices ,
are to
make you feel better
. You have every right to want to feel better, and you
deserve to feel better!!
My choice to confront and "come out" about the molestation to my family was engendered by the desire to protect the next generation of young girls in our family, if it wasn't already too late.
I decided first to try to confont him privately, to try and avoid the family blowup that I was sure would happen. I called him and told him that I'd realized he had molested me and that he was a very sick man. He of course, denied this, actually saying to me, "aww, honey, you know we were just having a little fun". I told him not to call me "honey", and it wasn't fun. I told him that my own recovery from his abuse was my business, but protecting his granddaughters or any other young girls he might be around was also my business. I said that if he would find treatment for pedophilia and prove it to me, I wouldn't tell the family.
Needless to say, that didn't work. He just began calling and harrassing me and showed up on my frontporch 2 days later. My Late husband advised him to leave before he kicked his 0104. So I wrote a letter. it was a long and difficult letter. It was full of shame and apology for the pain it would cause everyone, but it was also full of truth. I sent 3 copies of the same letter, all registered mail. One to my Mother, one to my Grandmother and one to his wife, (my aunt).
The proverbial sh** hit the fan, as we say. He told everyone I lied, and he couldn't understand why I would make up something so terrible. My Grandma "disowned" me. My mom and brother were understanding and accepting. I did not question or confront my mom at this time, I thought I was still years away from that. I continued phone contact with my Gramdma, but all she would do was cry. I told her I would not allow her to disown me; that I knew she could never stop loving me, and that I wasn't asking her to stop loving her son. I wasn't even saying he was a "bad" person, rather a "sick" one, who needed help. That it was my fervent hope that rather than let this divide the family, we could all pull together to protect the twins and get him treatment (How little I then knew about pedophelia).
For the next month or so, things at the family ranch (I lived 3 hours away) got progressively worse for all concerned. My uncle and his wife told people I'd gone crazy, my gram was ashamed, hurt and angry. She finally admitted that she believed me, but asked why, if I'd kept the secret this long, did I have to tell. At this point she confronted her son and he called me a liar, again, but this time in front of my mom. That was when all he** broke loose as my mom screamed at him that she knew I wasn't lieing, because he'd been doing it to her since she was 5. He then attacked her and choked her and she was taken to hospital with a cervical strain and concussion.
I know all of this sounds horrible, but I wanted to share how it can be. Believe it or not, everything turned out reasonably well. He and his wife moved away 3 days later and have not been in touch with the family in almost 15 years. The sad part to me, was that his wife didn't believe me, and I've always continued to fear for the twins. Still, I hope that my telling might have made him less likely to molest the twins out of fear of being caught, and that perhaps I planted a small seed of awareness in his wife. I pray that she protects those girls.
The last part of this long story, is the best part! When I discovered my mom had been molested by him from 5 years old into adulthood, I told her that he said he had her permission, blessing, even. She denied that back then, but I could accept it much easier, knowing that anything she did then was a result of being a victim, herself. Well, after my husband died in '98 I eventually made a decision to move back to the family ranch with my partner, Tammy and Grama, who has been in my care since '99. Last year my mom, apropos of nothing I could see, came to me and asked me if I remembered asking her if she told my uncle it was okay to..."you know" (she said). She said she couldn't imagine doing it, but she thought she probably did. That she knew she did tell him it was okay. She was so sad and upset, and couldn't figure out why she would do that. I felt so sad for her. I just told her I love her and I knew she did the best she could...
But I tell you...
I NEVER expected that to happen!! my Mom is the original Cleopatra!! (Queen of de-nial)!!
Good luck to you, Courtney. I hope this helps in some small way.
Blessed Be.
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Topic: His denial My disgust (Read 9104 times)
November 30, 2008, 06:03:24 PM
