A Typical Day

[Esnorie]

A Typical Day

Morning

   Usually later than I’d prefer, I wake up feeling a little cold. No matter what season it is, I am always uncomfortably cold in the mornings. This will usually persist for close to an hour at which time I start to feel a little more relaxed. There are times I am so cold, I shake violently throughout my upper and lower back which is actually painful. 

   While the back ache hurts, usually the psychological problems don’t hit until later. I begin each day the same, rushing around to arrange proper clothing for the correct situation. In a systematic procedure, I can fix myself up in no less than 15 minutes. At this point I usually feel great, like the day is anew and all my problems are in the past.

   As I walk to my car, I feel the beginning of the end arriving. My blood starts to fly through my veins; my heart begins a slow steady race to 130 BPM.  I feel a sense of pressure around my neck almost as if the blood cannot make it in the quantities I’d like to my brain. Mentally I feel confused, disoriented, and tired. It’s as if my car is the gateway for everything to return to my mental psych. I start up, rush out of the parking lot and head to work.

   Depending on my current mood, I might blast the music or listen to the radio talk show host. I find that for the majority of the time, this will block out the rest of my thoughts.  It isn’t until I get closer to my destination that I being to feel tense, trapped, and stressed. At this point, no matter what I do…it’s too late. The process for my dwindling day has begun.

Mid-afternoon

Usually this is the starting point. I arrive at work with my mind prone to stress. I begin checking emails, problem solving, checking in with supervisors. My job doesn’t allow me to walk in and rest, as soon as I enter that door, it’s on. In the flurry of problems to fix and people to deal with, I am lost within my own mind as I try my hardest to fight through the thoughts and focus. It could be small…..it could be big. It could start with a mild bump, or a hard cough. No matter the case, I am on the track to the end.

 I am going to die today. 

My head feels a little pressure or pain, it must be an aneurysm. My heart might feel like a knot in the chest. It must be a heart attack. What if I have a blood clot? What if the blood clot started elsewhere and it ended up in my heart? My mom had a blood clot in her lungs in the early twenties that means I could too! My father has had a heart attack recently, which means I’m prone to that as well. My grandfather had a malignant tumor in his brain, I could have that! My co-worker’s daughter tragically passed away in her sleep from an aneurysm. That could happen to me!  I am torn by so many possibilities of death I can’t even function normally. EVERYTHING is a possibility.

It all seems so real. The chest pains, the headaches, the stomach aches. I find myself trapped in my head and while the outside body retains its pose and manner, the inside is squirming on the ground, ready to die. This will continue for hours upon hours, until I go to lunch. If I wind up going to lunch with a friend, I am thankful I have an hour where I don’t feel like this. After returning from lunch, it’s back to the start. It never ends, it never subsides, and it never gives me the control of my life I want back.

On occasion, I will step outside to have a cigarette. As I smoke the cigarette that is supposed to bring me comfort, I am at a loss for how I know this is killing me. I can no longer ignore it and I can no longer abandon it. It has become my double edged sword. If I attempt to quit it, I have to deal with the repercussions of stress for the next few weeks, possibly harming my school work and job. If I stay with it, it is my sharpened crutch. The longer I rest upon this, the longer it hurts me.

I look up at the sky, attempting to relax. This attempt runs short as I immediately begin to see these faint white dots fly around in the blue sky. Another phenomenon I don’t remember always having. I’ve gone to see the ophthalmologist and gotten to OK to continue my life, but that isn’t good enough. It is not only the faint white dots that zoom around in sky; it is the intensity of lights. I feel as if I’m constantly staring into bright lights. The world has been turned up a notch or two and I wish to wear sunglasses at all times.

Evening

The evening is a little better. I begin to relax, using breathing techniques while I fake a number 2 in the bathroom stalls. My employers must think I have an overactive colon. I visit the bathroom 6-8 times in the given 8 hours while I’m at work, not to actually use the bathroom. As 7:30 rolls around (I work 11:30 a.m. to 8:00 p.m.) I begin to see the light. The stresses from my shoulders start to lift. I start thinking about all the things I could be doing at home that could make me get my mind off of this. It’s as though I feel my lonely apartment room is my sanctuary. While in there I feel calm, collected, and mostly distracted. At one time I will have a game going on my television, a game going on my computer and a chat going on through voice-over-internet. I also have my guitar handy in case there is a 5 second downtime. I must be doing something at all times to feel 100% perfect.

Sleeping used to be an issue. I’ve overcome that but wearing myself out completely before I go to sleep. This prevents thoughts from creeping into my brain as I am too tired to even care.  As I slowly drift off, I think….one day, one day is all I want. For 20 years of my life I took everyday given to me for granted. I slept all day, lazy, relaxed, not a care in the world. Now I can’t even stop my mind for one moment. I used to joke with my girlfriend how I never get sick, and that I’m invulnerable. Now I bite my tongue everyday to not puke. The movie “The Big Lebowski” used to be my prized possession. I worshipped this man; he was like me in every way. Nothing could bother him, nothing could get to him. To me, he was invincible. Now I can’t even watch it anymore, as all it reminds me of is abnormality; that I am not who I once was.

Now some of you might say to go get checked out. Well in the past 6 months, I have received perfect scores on 4 CAT/CT scans, 1 M.R.A., 8 EKGs, and 100% on a neurological test. I have 120/80 blood pressure. I am 155 pounds and 6’1”. I’ve played sports my whole life until the end of high school. I am now 21 years old and trying to get back into some form of a sport to regulate my anxiety.

I’ve got no options anymore. No reason to explain the problems with me. I am so certain that what I experience, I never experienced before. The light sensitivity, the odd headaches, the chills, the aches in pains near my heart, and the twitching are all supposedly normal. I've had these palpitations when I sit funny and am anxious, it downright scares the crap out of me. I am told to ignore, yet I cannot ignore until it stops.

Conclusion

So here I am. 8 months since this all began. What keeps me going? The same thing that kept me going before. I had reached a point where I no longer thought about the future. All I thought about was what might happen to me in the next 10 minutes. This became my life. It's as if at all times, my lifeline was only 10 minutes long. So I how do you break away from that? Get your dreams back.

What are you going to do in the next month, year, decade? We forget so much about how we daydream about what we might do later tonight, or this weekend. These are the starting points of getting out of your loop. You NEED to dream again. Face it. You have made it so far, what makes you think you might not make it a year from now?

I thought I wouldn't even make it to my birthday. Well two weeks ago was my birthday....and how did I spend my time up until that point? Thinking I wouldn't make it. It seems so silly to me now, all the things I could have done instead of worrying.

My grandfather was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer a few years ago. He was told he had 1 month at most to live. He lasted over a year and a half. I think to myself everyday, how was that possible? It wasn't until my mother told me the truth about him wanting so badly to play a round of golf again, that he said he would fight this to the end, and he did. At one point he was well enough to play one hole. That's all he wanted.

You need to WANT to live and WANT to dream again. You'll find if you just have a reason to make it till thursday, that's enough to keep your mind off your anxiety.

The one thing I've learned from all of this is that I cannot be afraid of death. As a child it used to spook me so much I'd go crying to my parents about not wanting so bad to die. I find myself feeling the same way so much to the point that I've forgotten how badly I want to live.


Come to these forums, read these posts, do whatever it takes to make you smile and not worry, because once you've reached your normal level again, you will feel human again.

If anyone needs to send me a message with a few questions, feel free. I feel like I've been blessed to have enough healthcare and money to test out all of thee problems but I realize some people just can't do that.

I owe my recovery to this place. If it wasn't for people kind enough to share there experiences and tell me it's ok, even through the silly internet, I have no idea where I would be.

Thanks,

[sixpack]

Hi and welcome to our  little group. 

Thanks for sharing your story.  I wouldn't be surprised if others have similar ones as well.

I'm glad the zone is helpful for you.  Stick around.  I look forward to getting to know you.

[bababel]

Esnorie, your post made me tear up.  You sound so much like me it's scary.  Especially the "Big Lebowski" part...about how the Dude doesn't have a care in the world.  I used to be like that too.  When I first saw that movie back in 2007 I became obsessed with it.  I used to go bowling and drink White Russians to pay tribute to one of my favourite movie characters of all time.  Now my life is different.  When I watch movies I become dizzy and think I have a brain tumor.  If I want to go somewhere (like bowling) I'll have a panic attack and want to puke.  If I try to have a White Russian my stomach will hurt and I'll begin to freak out. 

I wish I could go back to feeling the way I did before my anxiety took over my life.  At least I can take solace in knowing that I am not alone...and neither are you!

[Esnorie]

Thanks Six, I appreciate your response.

I'd like to hear other stories as well.

I just hope that someone reads my story and relates in such a way that it makes them realize it really is just anxiety.

For so long I thought I had a real problem because no one around me felt the same way.

In a way, just telling people your story helps so much.

[Esnorie]

Thanks Bababel, it's good knowing others feel the same, yet terrible knowing they go through the same as well.

I think the biggest problem is that I feel like I lost my personality. I didn't feel human for so long because I wasn't able to do the things I used to do.

The hardest part is trying to get back to reality when everything around you brings you back to the abyss. Things like drinking white russians used to be so fun and make me feel great (in the sense of the movie, not that I was drunk) that now, it reminds me that I'm nothing like that anymore.

This results in a chain reaction that refuses to let me return to my previous self.

As I said before, I just don't feel like a human, I feel more like a robot constantly doing things to prevent fear when before I never had to think about my every action or thought.

[stiej]

Wow - that was so poignant and true. That is basically me in a nutshell. This time last year, I was invincible. I ran 5+ miles every day. By the fall of last year, my running was the best I have ever done. I was setting PRs in every race I ran. I finally broke a sub 2 hr half marathon. I ran 5 half marathons between Oct-Jan last year. I ran countless 5k,10k and 15ks. I even ran my 3rd marathon. In January, when I had my first vasovagal episode, my life spun apart. Since then, every twinge in my body is death knocking. I have had countless EKGs, a heart u/s, stress test, 24 hr holter. Gastro related I have had 2 u/s, 1 CT scan (w/ contrast), 2 MRIs (one with one without contrast), a HIDA scan and a EGD. I have been to the ER 2x. I was this strong, smart woman. I was always tenacious - I graduated high school at 16, college at 19, had my masters and another degree by 23. I ran marathons and competed in triathlons. Now, I can barely knock out 3 miles on a treadmill at the gym because Im convinced I am going to die. I am constantly battling some physical symptom monster to the point I have actually eaten my stomach up - I have gastritis and an almost ulcer. I am exhausted because I am afraid to go to sleep because I am convinced Im not going to wake up. I have lost time with my husband, my children. This is so not me. I dont know HOW this became me. I used to love to go to the mall and browse - now I go in, do what I have to do and get out. I dont understand how 6 months ago I could have been so radically different. My vasovagal syncope is not life threatening, I actually havent had another episode since the first one I had except for on the tilt table when I completely passed out. And my cardiologist cant say for sure if anxiety wasnt the trigger for that. I wish I could get over this. Im in therapy now. I have been referred to a psychiatrist next week. Thank you for writing that, because it let me see I am not alone.

[Katya]

This post was so beautiful. In a very sad sort of way I mean, just because of how much I can totally relate to what you are feeling and how you describe it. How you live like you are going to die in the next ten minutes. How every little bump and feeling makes you think of the worst possible diagnosis. Even having nightmares and terrible thoughts about dying when you were a child.

And that telling your story really does help a lot. I've found this forum to be extremely helpful in dealing with my anxiety. I'm not as I used to be, but I am closer than I was, if that makes sense.

I wrote my story on here, it's probably a few pages back. I fought back a case of health anxiety years ago, and was feeling almost entirely normal for years, and then a few months ago, a slight dizzy spell turned my life upside down, and I have been in a constant struggle to get it back. It disgusts me having to live day by day, hour by hour, sometimes minute by minute, trying to get through my own thoughts, trying to convince myself I am not dying of some rare brain tumor or neurological disease or who knows what else.

*pauses to wipe tears away*

So thank you. Knowing you are not alone does help so much. It hurts to see so many other people in as much pain as you are, but in a way, knowing you are all in the same boat, is reassuring, because anxiety can be so isolating.

I did want to mention one thing, though.

This attempt runs short as I immediately begin to see these faint white dots fly around in the blue sky. Another phenomenon I don’t remember always having. I’ve gone to see the ophthalmologist and gotten to OK to continue my life, but that isn’t good enough. It is not only the faint white dots that zoom around in sky; it is the intensity of lights.

When I first started to experience the white dots flying around, I was terrified. I went to the ophthalmologist twice, and he never seemed concerned but couldn't tell me what they were. I forgot about them for awhile. Now with the anxiety so high again, they bothered me a great deal. I told my PCP, she didn't seem worried but had no answer either, and offered a referral to neuro-ophthalmologist if they were really bugging me. But I actually, finally, discovered the answer to what they are!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_field_entoptic_phenomenon

And they are perfectly normal, and nothing to worry about at all. I also have sensitivity to lights and also sounds, I think it comes with being an anxious person.

I am still trying to get back to that human-feeling level. I am getting better, even if it's only 1% a day, but I am doing it. I'm even having anxiety over having anxiety, it's so frustrating. Life was going so wonderfully for me, when such a small thing triggered an avalanche. I have been to the doctor's twice, and am back on some medication and hoping to find a good therapist once I have my insurance issues squared away.

[Whiskas]

What a beautifully written post. Esnorie, turn your HA further on itself and write a book about it. The 'overactive colon' bit made me giggle in sympathy, the 'sharp crutch/ciggy' simile was an inspired bit of writing, if it was your original simile then well done! Help people out there. Make yourself some money. You have a very good way with words. 
9/10, gold star (Evil teacher Whiskas never gives 10/10!). 

[gridder]

I appreciate your post -- partly because it is nice to see what someone's interior life is like, and because it is honest. The first thing that came to mind for me though, is that you seem to really be anxious about your job -- is it something you like to do? Sometimes we HAers miss the forest for the trees, and I am wondering if there isn't something about your situation there that contributes to your stress and plays out in HA.

The other thing I noticed is that you use a lot of distractions- - radio, multiple games, etc. Some of these things are very stimulating, even if you think you are relaxing or avoiding anxiety. I got the sense that you are in a panic not to be anxious. I would try to allow yourself some down time, and if the anxiety comes -- just let it be. It really can't hurt you. I make myself not turn the radio on sometimes just to have a little space to be in the present.

I recommend the books The Power of Now and The Places That Scare You (or anything by Pema Chodron.) I feel like some of your avoidance behavior is actually making your anxiety worse -- at least it worked that way for me.

Good luck!

[Esnorie]

It is indescribable how good I feel know my story has touched someone.
Just knowing that if someone read my story and had 10 minutes of anxiety free time, that is all I wanted from this.

Katya, I actually had read up about the blue field entopic phenomenon. I notice now if I force my self to ignore it, it mostly goes away.

I just think it's so crazy some people can see this stuff.

I also at one point thought I had beaten this. All it took was one small problem (Terrible headache in the morning) to throw me right back into it.


Gridder, I appreciate the book recommendations. I will definitely have to make a run and grab those. I do agree that the distractions might be making it worse. Parts of this were written as I recorded things over a few weeks. I've edited and added some things I forgot. Since then I have actually figured out that to FULLY relax, the games are not working for me.

I do think my job has a large part of the problem. Not only because it reminds me of my issues, but because many of my issues originated here and are probably still on-going.


Once again, I appreciate the responses. I truely hope some of you can get back on the track to recovery, even if it's not 100%, it's still progress.


Oh and Whiskas.....9/10 works for me :)
(you so evil...) XD

[Strezzed]

Your post about remember to dream ahead. Is just what I needed to be reminded of, Thank you so much for your post.

[Katya]

Esnorie, sorry I didn't know you had already knew about it, I just felt so much relief when I found out what they were, and that they were normal, I mean even my doctor and ophthalmologist couldn't give me an answer. Yes it's weird all the things we notice about our body when we're anxious.

How do you fully relax now? Now that I think of it I've never been fully relaxed without some sort of distraction, I get so bored and fidgety.

I hope you continue to get better, and I hope everyone else does too.

[abeja_reina_1989]

Thanks a lot of posting that.. very informative and I bet a lot of people are going to feel a lot of support from it. I know the feeling.. when everyday is just the same and you can just KNOW what's coming next, but no matter what you try to do, it always ends the same.

I hope things are getting better for you and I am very glad to have you as a member :)

[Esnorie]

Esnorie, sorry I didn't know you had already knew about it, I just felt so much relief when I found out what they were, and that they were normal, I mean even my doctor and ophthalmologist couldn't give me an answer. Yes it's weird all the things we notice about our body when we're anxious.

How do you fully relax now? Now that I think of it I've never been fully relaxed without some sort of distraction, I get so bored and fidgety.

I hope you continue to get better, and I hope everyone else does too.

First off, it's good to hear someone else sees those moving white dots as well. That definitely made that feel better.

The way I fully relax now probably won't work for other people, but the concept might.

I take myself away from everyone (usually the bathroom works). I sit on the seat, I close my eyes, and I think about what new video game I might want to buy/play, or what new song I want to learn on my guitar. I let my mind consume this thought over and over and over and 10-20 minutes later, I noticed I'm breathing fine. After this point, I just tell myself, La'De'Da' Anxiety, you've gotten nothing on me.

Now this makes me feel normal (sometimes) for a couple of hours, or the rest of the day.
Sometimes a few days go by. Eventually something will happen and it will return and I just remove myself from everything and sit in silence.

The only problem is, if I don't have anything fun and new to do, it's really hard for me to think of something to get my mind hooked on it. You can't always say, I'm going to learn song #3 on the guitar everyday.