New To Anxiety (sort of)

[Godfrey]

Hi, I'm a guy in my twenties, and for the past three months I've been having what I realized recently (while waiting for the doctor's visit...Here's hoping!) are anxiety disorder symptoms.  (My apologies if the following is too long)

It started in May in a very unexpected...Way.  While taking a ride in a car with my father, aunt, and uncle while the latter two were visiting us, it suddenly became very dizzy and hard to breathe.  This isn't the first time this happened; I've frequently had a certain anxiety about things throughout my life (just come with me to Wal-Mart at night after my fencing class and see what happens XP).  I've always been fairly understanding about that, and since I entered my teens I've always realized "Well, it'll pass; just get through it now".  This one, though...This one caught me way off guard, because up until that point my life this year had been really good.  I thought I'd fought off most of my personal demons in a pretty fell swoop, and to be honest it was the happiest time in my life.  It wasn't that I didn't have any problems, it's just that life seemed easy.  The only kink was that a night ago I had learned that an acquaintence had attempted 0119, but survived.  Perhaps that was related.

This one time, then...I began to get freaked out by it.  Why would I suddenly become dizzy?  I thought to myself.  I dwelled on it.  I began to wonder if it was actual weakness.  Soon I began to examine myself, and for several days I was panicked *all the time* and I could NOT figure out why.  I thought that maybe I had a heart or breathing problem; I suddenly became afraid to sleep because I was afraid my father would find me dead the next morning.  I thought:  Here it is.  My life was looking up, and now God's decided it's over.

Well, I didn't die, but I didn't tell my parents the full story either.  Instead I let the panic continue.  Several times I came up with an explanation for the symptoms I thought I was feeling, and my panic would seemingly abate...And then the symptoms would change, and whatever I was doing before wasn't helping any more.  I began to suspect I had gone insane; didn't help that I had a close friend who was diagnosed a long time ago with schizophrenia and bipolar disorder.  I began to think that would be me too, even though I wasn't hallucinating and apparently even on autopilot I was still acting like myself.  I'm apparently really good at hiding it.  Looking back my biggest mistake was reading the symptom checker on WebMD.

Eventually I had to tell my (divorced) parents the truth...I didn't know what was going on, and I kept suddenly becoming terrified of things.  Just about everything would set me off, probably because I didn't make the original connections.  Eventually I finally started to realize that I wasn't just randomly scared, I had actual fears that were manifesting themselves; in fact, my father even suggested hypochondria (maybe as a joke, but it was still the tip off we needed XP)  I decided to set up a doctor's appointment, and then I got down to looking at phobias, starting with "Fear Of Insanity"...Wow, that explained a lot.  Eventually I changed the way I was looking at what I thought I had and realized it seemed to "just" be anxiety.  Of course that's still serious, but in a way I am relieved.

So here I am, looking for ways to better myself and recover.  My life is still pretty good, all things considered, though I have stuff coming up; I need to get my driver's license, a job (in this wonderful economy), I have an elderly dog my father and I are trying to "make comfortable" if you catch my drift, there's a wonderful girl (not romantically linked [maybe I wish just a little], but she made me realize my life was worth living and regular contact has kept us both in good spirits), I have a large number of relatives in the area to deal with, I'm thinking about finding a new church finally, et cetera...

The real clinker in all this is that I am a comedian/humorist (and sci-fi/fantasy writer).  Or that's what I was going for.  That's always been my dream.  It was always good therapy for me, but it's lost a lot of it's enjoyment since I suddenly became anxious.  I keep feeling unnecessarily guilty about it, even though I was never a particularly mean comic.  I just feel...Detached from it, like it's harder to use my imagination.  And really, that's been the hardest part for me; It's much harder to just sit back and imagine things and relax.  I'm an artist (broadly speaking) but apparently my art is not fueled by my anxiety disorder.  It doesn't feel as...Releasing.  And don't even ask me about running World of Darkness PnP now XP  To make matters worse I had thought I'd overcome most of my phobias and my social anxiety, yet it feels like they've come back and then some.

I've never had any particularly terrible problems in my life time, other than my aunt had multiple-sclerosis (yes I've read that topic XP), I've been around for my last three great-grandparents deaths, a lot of teasing in school, talked a lot of people from 0119, and that sort of thing.  I guess I "learned" to always be prepared for the worst, which I used to think made me smart.  Now I realize it's probably got a lot to do with what I'm going through now.  To sum it up:  I hope I can be me again some day.  I was just starting to like and understand him.  I'm hopeful, but still a little scared.  This place has been helpful so far ^^"

*whew, that was long.  And before anyone asks...Yeah, I'm still going to the doctor.  I already cancelled once because I thought I'd recovered, and it came back a few days later*

[shrublet]

Hey Godfrey,

Welcome to the forums! 

Hmm... Walmart after fencing class? How intriguing! It's also really impressive that you are finally recognizing and accepting that anxiety is manifesting what sounds like all of your symptoms. This is the most important step to recovery, in my opinion: that is, the drive to eliminate the root problem rather than just apply "emotional band-aids" to every symptom that pops up. Take a look around the boards and you'll come across some really insightful posts- I particularly recommend the past posts of Pan, Sixpack and a few others. We have many insightful and lovely members here, so it's always nice to get another!

You sound incredibly interesting and very sweet-natured. I'm looking forward to your future posts.

[abeja_reina_1989]

Welcome and WOW you have been through so much!!! You sound like such a strong person and I can tell you are very in-touch with your ways of thinking, so I think you will be able to get through this.

I just wanted to add one thing to what you said.. when you said you want to be you again: I was thinking that for such a long time, but I've come to realize that we can't go back to what we were before, because this, either in a good or bad way (depending on how you look at it) changes us. For me, trying to think positive and just kinda ride out the symptoms helps soo much. But, life is tough as it is and you sound like such a strong person! There's only so much our bodies can handle before they find a way to shout out to us.. "I NEED A BREAK"

Best of luck to you!!

[Godfrey]

Thank you, both.  To clarify what I meant by wanting to be me again, I don't necessarily mean quite the same me.  It's difficult to describe what I mean, since I realize I'm not going to be exactly the same.  I mean rather that I want to get back to being able to think about things without causing sudden fear and work on my chosen crafts and cracking jokes and such.  If anything, if I overcome this I'll probably be a better version of me than I was previously XP

[abeja_reina_1989]

Oh ok, good  I just wanted to make sure that you weren't looking at it that way, cuz I always was and it was causing me to not be able to get better. I was just a really sad thing to realize.. but I'm glad I did

[Godfrey]

Perhaps.  It seems sad at first, but honestly it doesn't look like it's going to be so bad on the other side, as it were.

Oddly enough, I'm already seeing some of the positive benefits of this whole thing...Despite my heightened state of anxiety at all times over the past three months (it occasionally crosses the threshold into feeling like I'm going insane despite a lack of evidence, or I'll become dizzy for no adequate reason, and of course that feeling of unreality) I've overcome a number of really silly, individual fears I've had my entire life (thunderstorms don't bother me as much anymore, certain varieties of insects are more easily stomped, I no longer fear talking to certain people except on a "maybe I'll have a panic attack in the middle" basis...).  It's very strange.  But probably good.

I'm actually finding the whole anxiety disorder thing really quite fascinating, even if I can't wait to get rid of it XP  I'm probably weird about that, though.

[abeja_reina_1989]

:yes:Good for you!!!!!