HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO FEEL BETTER

[SO DARN TIRED]

18 MONTHS AGO MY 22Y/O SON TOOK HIS OWN LIFE.  He had struggled w/alcohol abuse for several years.  At the time of his death he had been sober for 10 mos, fell off the wagon went on a 3 day drinking binge and then killed himself. We obviously were devastated.  My husband and other son were doing much betterl by 6 mos.  I was not.  Finally I sought help thru a psychiatrist who diagnosed me as clinically depressed.  He started me on Zoloff with out results, switched me to lexapro again with minimal results, and now am on Wellbutrin 300mg. It's better now- instead of thinking how I'm going to 0473 without my family suspecting- I just wish I were dead.  I've been in "talk" therapy for a year going every 2wks and the wellbutrin for at least 6mos.  Everything I've read has indicated that most depression can be successfully treated within 8mos.  So what am I doing wrong? My family, the few friends who haven't drifted away, and my co-workers all feel I should be ok by now.  Over Gabe's death, over the depression, and back to my old self.  First of all, I'm not sure I can ever be my "old self", that person died with Gabe, but please tell me some of my life or my emotions will get better.  I'm so tired of waking up and being mad just because I woke up, or feeling nothing.  I guess that's the worst, I feel so alone, am glad I found this site, and I'm sorry about all the whining.  thanks for any help or suggestions.   

[apple]

Here is a chart of different groups of medicatins.  you will see that the zoloft and lexapro are in the same group so you should try another group.  I'm not sure which one the welbutrin is in, but if you feel its not enough talk to your doctor about the differences in meds.

I am truely sorry for you loss.  I dont know if meds will help you get over something like that.  Honestly I dont know what combination of meds or therapy would help. 

You can talk to us anytime you need to. 

[pinky5]

So Darn Tired,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. I don't think that there is any amount of time, where you are "supposed to" feel better in. Grieving the loss of a family member is an ongoing process that is different for everyone. Just let yourself go at your own pace. Don't think that you are doing anything wrong, you're just still really sad, and that's ok. Maybe you've had more sadness and hardship in your past and this triggered old pain as well as the current pain you are experiencing because of your son's death. Just keep going for therapy, and it you feel like you're not progressing in therapy, you could try a new therapist. Let yourself just feel whatever you're feeling and don't let anyone else tell you what you "should" be feeling or doing. I have heard that there are support groups for those who have lost children. Have you tried any of those?

You're not alone, there is lots of support here.
 

Rachel

[kiara]

I completly agree with rachel. there is  hope for you hun  you will find alot of care and support here! x x x x

[itsmeesindee]

I too agree with Rachel. 

I have not lost a child and can't even imagine the emense pain you feel.  I have heard that people who lose a child never go back to the "old selves" but they can move on and have a life.  My heart truly goes out to you.  The best thing you can do is talk about your feelings to your family and doctor and keep taking your meds.  Rachel is right, you may want to talk to your doctor about a different med.  I don't think the pain will ever totally go away but with time it will be more bearable.  You have to give yourself permission to live again, its okay.  You may feel guilty for finding some bit of pleasure in things but its okay there is not reason to feel guilty.

We are all here for you.  Hugs   

Cin

[NightOwl]

That is very sad that you have had to go through that.  I personally don't know how I would be through it any quicker than you either.  What did you, your husband, and other son do to get through it even the first 6 months?  I always wonder how people cope with big things because I can't cope with even small ones.

Anyway I am sorry and I hope you somehow get through this as soon as possible.  I am scared of medicines and scared that none will help me, so I guess I don't know much to say to cheer you up that one will work.  But most here believe they can.

[GMan86]

I am sorry to hear about your son. That must have been and still is very hard for you to cope with. As far as doing the right thing, you are on the correct path. Therapy and medication is what I would suggest but you are already doing that. This site is the best for support so feel free to vent your emotions anytime 

[SO DARN TIRED]

Thanks for all of your kind words.  It's nice to know there is someplace where I can be myself.  Where no one expects me to be fine, or acts disappointed that I'm not my old self.  I see the psychiatrist in 3 weeks so maybe I'll see about switching meds-yet again.  When you child takes his own life you feel as though you failed him.  Then when you don't act the way people want you to act, you feel like you've failed them.  Now I feel like I've failed "depression".  My therapist never says that, but as I mentioned friends and family point out that most single incident depressions are "cured" in 8 months or less.  Some of them even avoid me now.  I'm not sure if they think 0119 is contagious, or depression is, or what.  It's not like I cry in front of them, or don't try to fit in, or talk about nothing but Gabe-  I guess I'm just flat.   I used to be one of the most upbeat cheery people around and that's just too much effort to even pretend.  I try not to care, but sometimes feel like the lonliest person in the world.  I guess I've gone on way too long, just wanted to say thanks, and I'll visit often.

[GMan86]

No need to thank us, we are here anytime for support. As far as seeing your psychiatrist in 3 weeks, why so long?

[Cella]

Dear SO DARN TIRED:
My heart, prayers, & condonlences go out to you for the loss of your son.  My husband & I don't have any children, so I can not even begin to try & understand your pain.  There is no science on this God given earth - that can ACCURATELY measure the correct amount of time w/ grieving.  We are all different & our reaction to everything is different as well.  I know it is frustrating to hear people tell you "snap out of it", or "you should be over it now", etc.  You know you best.  You know what you're feeling - not anyone else.  In addition, many people can make assumptions, give approximations/guestimates as to how YOU CAN OR SHOULD REACTE, FEEL, & "BE OVER IT AS THEY SAY".  However, because it is NOT THEM OR THEIR SON - because it is not THEIR PAIN - they couldn't walk a mile in your shoes - CAUSE THEY DIDN'T .  No matter how much they may try to begin to understand, "they didn't go through it, they don't feel what you are, so they don't know exactly - because IT ISN'T THEM."  Tis not to say, their intentions are bad. NO. Remember, it was your son.

If you are currently in therapy & don't notice a difference/growth, or feel a little better, I would consider seeking out another therapist.  Progress or healing doesn't necessarily happen overnight - esp w/ your unfortunate circumstances.  However, a good therapist can gently/delicately help you heal & come to terms w/ your son's passing.

Pls continue to seek therapy - it is an invaluable tool. In addition, please don't pay attention to the opinions of those who are giving you a set time frame on how & what you should be feeling.  Consult w/ the experts: therapist, your primary physician, etc.   

You are in my prayers, sincerely.

Cella   

[Cella]

NOTE TO ALL:

I apologize about the BRIGHT POSTING.  I just joined yesterday & I don't know all the keys.  I did not mean to make it BRIGHT.  My apologies.

Cella

[apple]

You can click on modify in your post anytime and make changes to it.

[Cella]

THKS APPLE - I corrected it & appreciate your help.  that was a little TOO BRIGHT, lol

Cella

[gloomy]

I know how you feel so much it made me cry.  I lost my son 5 years ago in different circumstances to yours.  I suffered terribly just like you are, I felt as though a part of me died and I still believe that, I tried meds and was successful with seroxat I am no longer taking them.  You are putting a lot of pressure on yourself trying to gauge a time limit for the bad feelings, I personally know now that I will never get over the loss of my son but I have learned to live with it.  Those closest to us usually cant stand to see our pain and encourage and expect us to become our 'old self' again I believe it's part of their own coping strategy so they can return to a sense of normality.  I don't really see how anybody can be the same person after such a devastating event.  You can and will come through this, when I felt slightly better sometimes I would forget for a minute what had happened and might laugh briefly at something silly or show interest in something trivial then  I would remember again and I felt guilty and almost disrespectful for that I think this held me back a bit and I realised I had to let go and accept he had died and I was still here and no amount of guilt or emptiness or wishing I was with him would make me feel any better.

I am so sorry for your loss I hope you can find  a little light at the end of the tunnel keep posting on this forum no matter how deep or dark your thoughts may be I for one will understand, I wish I could answer your question I asked the same question 5 years ago and believe it or not I do laugh and enjoy things now without feeling guilty and I still take flowers to my sons grave every week I find it therapeutic although at first it was painful.  I hope tou can find some strength amongst the pain

Take care and I am sending my lovexx

[Linda317]

I don't think that there is ever a time-frame for feeling better that fits everyone. Those who feel that you should "be better" aren't walking in your shoes. They are trying to put a stamp on you that says that you need to move on because you're not the person that you once were. You may never be the person that you once were because you're not. You've suffered a TREMENDOUS loss. You're dealing with losing your precious son, which is overwhelming to begin with. You also faced with trying to deal with the way your son died, which compounds the situation.

There is that grieving time that you deserve, how ever long that takes. The longer it takes to grieve, typically, the long it takes to heal. You have to go through ALL of the grieving phases. Once you get through all the phases of grief (sadness, anger, acceptance, etc.), then you'll be ready to heal. You may not be back to where you once were because a piece of your soul and heart will hurt. You may not get back to where you were because your life has changed significantly. Sometimes when these tragedies happen, it takes some time to mend ourselves. Being able to talk about our feelings, getting it out in the open and sharing them with others is a great way to reach out for help. Talking with others who have suffered similar losses is great therapy. And when YOU are ready to mend yourself is when it's the right time...NOT on someone else's timeline.

My heart goes out to you. You will get to feeling better. This may take intervention from a grievance counsellor to help you through it as well as strong support system. In your post, I assume that some of your friends have turned away from you. Well, my belief is that true friends will stay with you as long as you need them and even when you act like you don't need them, they'll stay with you. When these tragedies happen in our lives, our lives are changed forever, and sometimes that means that you will find a NEW set of friends. And these new sets of friends won't leave you.

God bless you!

[NightOwl]

yeah, in my situation people normally think I should feel better muchhhhhhhhh sooner.  Oh it's only a girl, you can't let that one area get you into a depression.  But I mean obviously if I COULD get over it sooner, I would.  People can;t understand unless they feel the bad feelings themselves.

So who knows.  I wish everyone could all be happy in 1 day.  That would sure be nice.

[GMan86]

I'll be happy when I go to heaven