Frustrated Spouse

[Buffmeat]

I have a great wife and two kids.  I have been dealing with GAD and some depression for about a year now.  My wife used to sit up and talk with me when I was having a bad night, but after talking about the same things over and over, she is just short and visibly frustrated with me.

What makes me mad about my GAD is I know I have a good life.  I shouldn't feel the way that I do, yet it takes over when I don't want it to.

Does anyone have any advice on how to be a better husband to my wife while I'm working on myself.  Is is better to just keep it to myself or talk it over with her?  I feel selfish because I've taken over and she feels like she can't tell me when she is having a bad day.

I don't want to lose my wife over this, but I know she is at a loss. 

[pinky5]

Buffmeat,

It's hard not to talk to your spouse about what is bothering you, but the truth is that it just gets boring for them after a while and also very frustrating. I feel like I have made the mistake of talking too much to my boyfriend about anxiety and problems in the past and I know he has been really sick of it. It's just hard for them to understand the ongoing nature of anxiety. Someone who doesn't suffer with this just thinks, ok do this and this to fix the problem and then lets move on to life's next challenge. I think the answer is to talk to them about the anxiety as little as you possibly can, and look for a lot of outside support and help. Also if they see you doing things to overcome your anxiety they will have a lot more patience. You have to give your spouse equal time and attention to tell about what is bothering her otherwise, she will get lost and neglected in the drama of your anxiety problem.

Just handle as much of it with outside support as you can. Go for therapy, they are much better at helping you through the tough times and issues anyway. Having your spouse too involved in your anxiety issues can actually make it worse, because they are checking on you and bringing it up when you might be feeling fine and when you don't want to talk or think about it. I really had to take back the management of this issue in my own relationship, because I could see that it really was threatening the survival of it.

Maybe try to find a support group in your area, go for therapy and post here. Posting really does help to get a lot out.
Take care.

Rachel

[jasonm]

I agree with Pinky, post!

The WORST thing you can do is keep it in.  Just understand everyone has a metaphorical cup they fill with other peoples problems.  They listen and help and in doing so fill their cup.  If you keep pouring all your problems into only one cup, it'll fill fast!  Spread the wealth with a therapist, a few understanding friends, and especially use this forum, it's why we're all here.

Just whatever you do, don't JUST complain - that'll feed the anxiety.  Actually work on it, be it excersize, meds, change your thoughts, eat cellery ( :) ) WHATEVER!  as long as you're doing something, even small steps, you'll achive victories and that'll help make you a better person!

[Buffmeat]

Thanks, I don't want to lose her over this.  It was hard to hear that I'm not helping out with the baby like I should.  She feels like she is going at it alone and I don't want that.

It's just so easy when I'm having a "bad day" to complain to her.  I'll try and use this forum more and I do attend a Tuesday support group.

[jasonm]

Support group is an EXCELLENT idea.  Some even go several times a week in the beginning if they need more support, but there's also the forum.

I use it when I'm most stressed (at work).  It helps me to vent.

[pinky5]

Buffmeat,

That's great that you already are going to a support group. Don't forget to have some fun with your wife and family too. I think with anxiety, it's so easy to just get into the survival mode, that we forget to have fun and really make an effort to enjoy the life we have.

Rachel

[jasonm]

Very true!

My girlfriend would ask me to do social, fun things and I'd say no.  I'd still do it, and have a blast, but leading up to it I HATED the idea.  I just KNEW I wouldn't have fun...  but I did.

[anxiousinfla]

I feel your pain.

When I am having my bad days, which are WAY too many for me, I so feel for my husband. He sees a person who used to have so much energy and was going 18 hours a day. Now, it's hard for me to get out of the house, at times.

Although he tries to understand, I know deep down inside, he wished I were "normal". He gets frustrated  and doesn't know what to do.

Will she read a book as there are many that explain GAD (small ones too that don't take a long time).?

Perhaps you could do couples therapy together. It helps the other spouse to understand and gives you and her coping skills.

Good Luck to you, my friend.

[lilvanillachica1]

buffmeat,
my fiance is the same way. he used to talk all the time with me to rub my back ect. now he just says your not going to die and walks away. i guess after the tenth millionth time it gets old and frustrating.
we worked out a plan though.
i'd wait until night after dinner and id tell him all the things that were bothering me and why i was scared. hed talk with me about them. of course it doesnt work all the time. b/c some days i just have a really bad day! i know he understands but i too feel horrible. i am not the person i was when we met. i used to go out be lively happy. now its the complete opposite. and i know it hurts him to see me this way, which makes me feel even guiltier
you should find someone other than your wife to talk to also. itll relieve some of the stress
good luck!
courtney

[Buffmeat]

Thanks!  I think it helps to know that this isn't who I was either.  Nothing used to bother me at all.  I was the strong one in our relationship and now the opposite is true.

I'm just so mad at why this had to happen to me??!!?  I know other people deal with worse, but I feel like I can't even funtion at 50% most days.

Thanks for the help.

[anxiousinfla]

This too shall pass.............if you want to save the relationship, try talking (which sometimes I find is the "one day rule")...forgotten the next day.

Introduce her to a simple book or info found on line about GAD....tel her she can join the forum also .....seek therapy for both or at least yourself so that you know how to handle her frustration. Works both ways.

We are here!!!!

[Tryn2Understand]

Hey,
My boyfriend has GAD and I know how your wife feels. He used to be really fun at the beginning of our relationship, but now his anxiety has really taken over his life. I would definately tell her things that bother you. I feel the absolute worst when my boyfriend doesn't tell me stuff and I know I can't help him. That having been said asking her the exact same thing over and over can be frustrating. To avoid doing that try reminding your self what she said last time you asked, chances are it'll be the same.
What I've found works for us is to make dates where you do what she likes, but you plan it so you know if you'll be comfortable with it or not. Try doing something sweet for her. Little things mean the most, even if it's just bringing her flowers or chocolate.
I wish you guys the best of luck. Please keep us posted

[NorthernRC]

Good relationships are hard to find! My wife and I had a great life before I started suffering from Anxiety several years ago. I don't blame her, the stress of having a spouse, especially one your depending on to support you and your children, on the verge of breakdown has taken it's toll. I've tried to get her to come to therapy but she refuses. GAD is a family issue. Try to get her involved professionally so she can work with you.

[NightOwl]

I agree with everyone.  I whine to everyone, including my gf, and they all are pretty much sick of it becuase they've told me all they know to say.  But I don't know what else to do.  I am not good at faking I am in a good mood.  I wish my life wouldn't be consumed with this.

[GMan86]

I should get an Oscar for as many times I had to put on a "happy go-lucky persona." I hear you but sometimes you just gotta do it