Advice for relationships/mates/hooking-up

[puntnf4]

So my mind was recently ruminating on a particular issue: how the heck am I supposed to get a girlfriend with an anxiety disorder.

And I know many of you are either married or in a relationship. I'm male and 23, and I'm asking this because things are getting incredibly ridiculous. For one thing..like I said, I'm 23, and I've never even touched a girl's hand.

I don't consider myself 'ugly' per se, so regarding the heart of the matter: The first reason is flat-out anxiety. The second reason is because of obsessive/racing-thoughts issues.

This isn't a superficial (how da ya get da chicks mang?) kind of thing...it's a serious question, because I feel for me, it's getting incredibly ridiculous. Throughout my life, I've met a couple of 'could-be's' and ended up spiraling out of control due to thinking about her too much/too soon and as a result, getting very anxious while talking to 'her'. Because of this, I've always been single. Never been on a date. ((And my 'date' for Winter prom ended up going with me out of pity, but that's entirely another story)). The point is, I can't live with them. But then, I can't live without them (in other words, I'm much too easy to 'hook'. All that's required is one authentic conversation, and I'm their 'slave'. I fight it, and try to hide it the best I can, but it's incredibly overwhelming...and equally annoying). Women are extremely observant so it's no surprise to me that I haven't yet been attractive to them (that is, once they get to know me and the inevitable cycle begins)

My question, I guess, is how did you guys do it?. I know I might be one of the few single ones here....it's just really starting to bug the **** out of me because what happens is:

1. I meet 'someone' that I feel a chemical connection to (and I feel somewhat reciprocal reactions), which starts the...
2. Rumination of the target over the next couple of days, which triggers the...
3. Anxiety and involuntarily 'attacks' that I get when she returns the next time we talk, which triggers the...
4. Inevitable failure of us getting close (being anxious isn't attractive in the least), which leads to
5. My 100% failure rate.

Help/education/stories/tips would be appreciated. Thx  

PS: Again, I hope this isn't interpreted as being a superficial/'hey-dude' concern. The best way I can explain/summarize this is: this rumination-cycle is linked to deep-rooted anxiety/depression. Only those that have 'felt this' will truly understand. The best word, probably is: melancholy. And yes, it can get quite painful/disruptive    Thanks

[KRGPC09]

I guess my story is a bit similar to yours. My problem is mostly with social situations...meeting people is difficult because I don't know what to say or how to really continue a conversation. I've never had a boyfriend and not many people seem to bother with me in terms of relationships; however, like yourself I don't consider myself entirely unattractive, but I do think that people sense something is "wrong" with me. 

My anxiety has led me to believe that I don't feel like I fit in with other people my age because I don't like to party. The friends that I do have don't understand and have pretty much abandoned me (which I don't blame them) since it's not their job to coach me through these things when everyone is supposed to be having fun.  It seems to be a revolving circle to the the point where now just being around anyone is nerve racking. Getting close to someone is seemingly impossible and like yourself, I find myself stuck. While I don't want to spend my life alone, I also don't want to pretend I am someone else in order to be in a relationship.

It's all very confusing haha! But I figure it's better to work on getting yourself to a place that you're happy and comfortable with.  It may take me forever to be happy with myself externally and internally and maybe I will be alone, but pretending to be someone else is not an option.

Finding a place like this is comforting because at least you know there are people out there who are like you. I know I didn't give you much advice (probably because I need some myself haha) but I hope it helps!

[puntnf4]

While I don't want to spend my life alone, I also don't want to pretend I am someone else in order to be in a relationship.

I know I didn't give you much advice (probably because I need some myself haha) but I hope it helps!

Thx for the info. Nah, dun be hard on yourself. Your input was very much valued, because it made me feel a little less alone. Still, I'm just very irritated at my situation. I used to feel 'helpless and bashful' about it, but now that I'm older, it's just evolved into being really...err... angry and pissed. 

But yes, thx for your story. The first line that I quoted: that's pretty much -exactly- how I feel. Why do I have to 'pretend' to get a mate and/or a group of friends. It's sickening, and ever so tiring. At the moment I've boiled down into having one friend (but he's awesome so I don't complain ...er..yet...because in one year he leaves for med school..) But 'despite all my rage, I'm still just a rat in a cage'.   

[marc]

I have been married almost 23 years. I was also married before for only
3 1/2 years. I used to go on a lot of dates. Some people liked me and of course
some hated me. No one likes to be made to feel uncomfortable or uneasy.
Dating can be tough. Sometimes you don't know how the other person feels and
of course some people play games. I had at times felt uneasy dating and it could be very
stressful. We all try to put our best foot forward. Try to think positively and be as outgoing
and friendly as you can. Try to find out what your date likes, etc. I have a daughter that
is soon to be 19 and she to feels uneasy at times. I always tell her there is always going to
be some one taller and shorter than you, prettier and homelier than you, richer and
poorer than you, etc. You just have to hope you are somewhere in between. I will tell you two
funny stories that happened to me on dates a log time ago. I wen tout with this one girl and on
the way home pulling up to her house, she jumped out of the car while it was still moving and
said goodbye and ran away. I did not even try anything. Another time I was fixed up with a
beautiful young woman and we met at a library, where she wanted to meet. I will never
forget that look on her face when she saw me for the first time; you would have thought she
just got a cancer diagnosis. So this goes to show you that if you persist and not give up
things will eventually go your way.

[shrublet]

Haha Marc I laughed that you used the word "homely." You are very sweet.

Well, maybe thinking of the process as initiating/reciprocating chemical reactions could be hindering you a bit. We are kindred spirits in our sciencey ways it sounds like (which reminds me, I still have to reply to your other post to clear up what I meant about "dualist") and I think that this can be the plight of many a nerd. Not to say that you are a nerd, of course, though "nerd" from me is one of the highest compliments.   And the fact that you've been able to quantify the entire process in a numbered list suggest that you are very methodical and analytical. So, while all/much (or none, depending on your views) of the process of attraction is a complex chemical reaction, I am not sure how helpful it is to think of it that way.

Unfortunately, "romance" (haha) is messy, unpredictable and DEFINITELY cannot be quantified in a list. (Unfortunately.) It sounds cornball, but the best kind of relationships are those that arise totally spontaneously- when you're not looking for it, not thinking about it. As an example, when I first met my fiance, I could not STAND him. He irritated me to a ridiculous level and never, ever, ever in a million years would I have entertained the idea of being friends with him, much less being engaged with him eventually. To be honest, I'm still not entirely sure how our relationship came about... (chloroform soaked rags?  ) A pairing between an astrophysicist and an artist...? Who would ever predict that? So maybe my lack of usual overthinking was the key, who knows.

So anyways, that's my greeting card analysis. The other possibility is that you have yet to meet someone that you really mesh with. In my opinion, true chemistry isn't feeling like you're a "slave" to someone. Being the feisty thing you are, you may possibly rebut this as saying that that's a direct result of attraction.   Nope, I think that's a direct result of overthinking the whole business and trying too hard. Being of the female persuasion myself, in my opinion it has nothing to do with your personality. You are wonderfully articulate and intelligent, and I can honestly say that *I* want to get to know you better and I've never even met you!

Where are you meeting these girls anyways? That can be a big part of it.