struggling

[Faded Echo]

Hi,

I have had ocd and anxiety problems, BDD since childhood (26) and been to so many doctors and tried so many different medications, that i've lost count. There was one particular drug that gave me horrible side effects (Geodon) and ever since then my sleep hasnt been the same. It's become this huge obsession with me and I always have to check the clock over and over to see what time it is, make myself go to bed at a ridiculous time every night because i fear if i mess up the schedule i wont sleep and it just scares the crap out of me. I always say i will stay up later but when it gets around the time, i just go crazy and dont do it. i end up sleeping too much and not having any energy during the day. this has been going on every day for the past 2 years and im so tired of it but the fear is just way too strong. I have other obsessions though this is just the most recent. I also have to touch everything twice, check myself in the mirror over and over, weigh myself constantly (use to have eating disorder), do everything in an even number, cant eat certain foods, wear certain clothes, feel like im dommed, afraid of aging and getting older, and time is going by too fast. I feel so diconnected and that people are thinking bad things about me, that they are secretely laughing at me. I feel so alone and its hard because my boyfriend has a severe form of tourette's syndrome and he does racial slurs, loud noises, cussing, etc. we cant go anywhere outside our apartment and i dont drive. but anytime we are out people just stare and get mad at us because he cant help making noises..its just uncomfortable but weve been together 8 years. its just not fair people are so mean. I love him but there are times he tics things my ocd doesnt like and he doesnt stop. It just increases my anxiety and i feel even more doomed. Im just trying to find somebody to relate to

[marc]

People stare and look at anything that they consider out of the ordinary.
Some people may actually be mean, but most are looking because of
curiosity or lack of understanding. I would try to give your boyfriend as
much understanding as possible and get him all of the help he needs.

[ocdengineer]

I think you have to seriously think about your future.  Do you want to deal with your boyfriends ailments for the rest of his life and yours and can you get better while dealing with his issues as well as yours.  Many people have a heck of a time on their own...  I am kind of negative on this topic, but I truly believe the person you are meant to be with will help you get better, not make you worse.  I don't think you shoulb be carrying someone else's burden nor should they carry yours in a relationship.  It just doesn't work.  I know I had to learn to live alone to deal with my anxiety disorder.  I am much better now, married and have two beautiful daughters.  Healing starts with you and you really have to eliminate any road blocks along the way as selfish as that may sound....

Later,
OE