Need Advice

[Tryn2Understand]

Hey,
I'm new here. I live with someone who has GAD. (I'm sorry this will be brief, but I don't have alot of time.) I have a soccer game this Saturday that I have to play in, and he is going beserk. He is absolutely terrified of me playing in it. We have tried to narrow down the problem and figure out why it scares him, but with no luck. Does anyone have any advice for how to help him.
Thanks for listening

[o-ren]

Hey tryin,

First of all it is nice to know that there are good friends out there like you who looks out for their friends.  The first step really to helping your friend is seek proper professional attention.  If you live in a big city, there are alot of psychologist that are probably listed or are recommended by your colleagues.  At this point, it is very difficult to diagnose your friend of what can be triggering his disorder.  There are so many possibilities that can lead up to that conclusion.  That being said, there is hope for your friend so do not give up. 

In my experience, anxiety is really nothing but your brain on overdrive.  Imagine if someones brain is an engine and it is always running and always pumping NOS.   It is very hard to stop it because your brain is controlling itself rather than you.  It fills up with so much energy, negatively and positively.  Hope that gives you an idea. Good luck

[Tryn2Understand]

Hey,
Thanks for the advice, but if this isn't amazing...I have been praying for 5 days for this to work out. I just got a call from my caoch and he said not to come, because I would have to sit at least half the game. I realize this doesn't solve the problem, but it does give us more time to learn how to cope.
(By the way, he knows I'm writing this so I'm not going behind his back or anything. He wants any and all advice he can get)
He has been to 15 different doctors and they said he has GAD. Sorry, I guess i worded that wrong, I meant that we can't figure out why soccer itself is a problem. We just started seeing a new therapist, and he is going to be re-evaluated, but I'm pretty sure we have the right diagnosis. His parents have been pushing for it and I figure it can't hurt(They however, kicked him out and want to get him commited, which he doesn't need. They have a philosophy that people can't be bad and everything that someone does bad is linked to a mental disorder, even their dog is on prosac, no lie. They think he has separation anxiety because he urinates everytime they leave the room. The poor thing is old and just losing bladder control.)
Anyway, we are also going through a med change which I think is making things more difficult for him.
He is also obsessed with me. Other than when we are at work we spend every minute with each other. He can't be away from me for long periods of time. (We are seeing a therapist for this). He has always been obsessed with something, it used to be fear of thunderstorms, now its fear of being away from me. (Does this make sense?)
Is obsession with something, not necessaryily poeple, normal with GAD?

[Tryn2Understand]

*When I was talking about his parents, I meant that they think he has more problems than that because he isn't always compliant. And I agree mental problems can make people argumentative, but not every behavioral problem should be treated by getting someone committed.*
Sorry I read that after I wrote it and realized I didn't explain myself very well.

[o-ren]

Anxiety is such a complex illness and each person have different triggers but symptoms are identical (does that make sense?).  Unfortunately, to know why your friend suffers GAD during your soccer game is a multifaceted process.  There are a lot of factors to consider when analyzing your friend.  Did he have previous events related to soccer? Saw someone get injured really bad and perhaps worried that that could happen to you? Like I said, a LOT of factors.

If I were in your shoes, I would ask your friend what exactly goes through his head when he thinks about you and soccer.  I would ask him what he thinks of you as a person and as a whole.  Why are you so important to him? Get him to think of the events that could lead up to that attack.  Based on that, I hope you get some sort of a conclusion of why he “feels” the way he does.   I believe that each person knows what exactly what is wrong with them.  It is just that sometimes they are clouded by fears and denial.   Try and get him to talk to you.   I believe the answers are right there. After all, it is his emotions and brain. Right?

Anyways, these are the only things that I can think of, other than these I believe Therapy is a great way to reduce his GAD.  Drugs are fine but I do not think he is actually mentally unstable.  I think it is more of an emotional level.  Again.  I am not a psychologist nor have proper medical expertise so do not take my opinions too critically.  I can only give you my opinions.  It is up to you if you would like to take them.    I hope this helps.    Let me know how it goes.

P.S. The whole bladder / urination thing is part of the Anxiety symptoms.  Unless otherwise specified by his doctor, it is normal because of his anxiety.   

[apple]

I think she meant the dog urinating  didn't you??


Anyway, try to make sure the therapy he seeks is cognative behavior therapy.  It is the one that looks at the thought process, just like oren said, figures out whats wrong with the way he reacts or responds to things and helps him figure out ways to change the way he thinks.  Does that make sense?  If there is a chemical imbalance the meds will help that area.  My anxiety was cut by more than 75% from the cognative behavior therapy.

Also look for triggers...Analise them.  Knowing what can trigger you can either avoid or learn ways to cope better.

take care and I hope your friend starts feeling better.

[Tryn2Understand]

Lol, yes the dog urinates when they leave the room, not my friend. thanks for the advice. He isn't afraid I will get hurt, or that he won't be able to see me. We aren't really sure why its such an issue. Every time i ask him why it bothers him he says he has no idea. I know he leans on me because I've helped him through some really hard times. but I can't understand why soccer is scary. He is literally terrified.
Has anyone else ever had fears like that?

[Emily]

You are his "safe person". My husband is mine and life can be pretty terrifying w/o him! Does he have any other friends he can hangout with while you are at soccer? Distractions can be a quick fix. My heart goes out to him and to you. His parents sound very close-minded and it's a shame because they are missing out on their son's life. I think the soccer worry might just be that. Another random worry that comes along with anxiety. I wish I had some advice for you two, but I really don't. I DO however, wish you the best of luck and hope that you will share the progress of this story with us?

Best Wishes,
Ems

[o-ren]

Lol, yes the dog urinates when they leave the room, not my friend. thanks for the advice. He isn't afraid I will get hurt, or that he won't be able to see me. We aren't really sure why its such an issue. Every time i ask him why it bothers him he says he has no idea. I know he leans on me because I've helped him through some really hard times. But I can't understand why soccer is scary. He is literally terrified.
Has anyone else ever had fears like that?

Doh! Sorry for the confusion  , I get very confuse sometimes. Your friend clings to you because just like Emily said you are his salvation.  He feels comfortable with you and therefore hangs on to you. Which is very common.   Other people usually find comfort on anti anxiety drugs, religion, meditation and some on habits (illegal drugs, alcohol, smoking).  We all have our own safe zone.  You are his.   Those fears are normal they come with anxiety.  Anxiety usually comes in a package (fear, paranoia, emotions, etc).   I am speaking from experience, could be different for other people. 

However, each person who finds comfort on certain things "knows" what triggers anxiety and what can cure it.  In my opinion, your friend needs to be in a safe environment by himself and really think this through.   Unless he understands and knows the causes and comfort of his anxiety it is very difficult to beat it.  What is the first thing that pops into his head when he sees you play soccer? That first image or thought right there should give you a little of conclusion to what leads to his attacks. You cannot fix a problem that you do not understand right?    I believe he knows why, again like I said before, it is "his" emotions and brain. Deep inside he knows what causes it.   Good luck to you and your friend.  I hope he gets better.  I will pray for him tonight    Take care.

[Tryn2Understand]

Yes, i will definately share the progress. My soccer season is over now. But it is always something, now its fear of going to church. Fortunately we figured out why it is a problem this time. Before church when everyone is trying to get out the door there is alot of yelling which gives him anxiety.
The safe object makes sense. But is it always the same thing or can it change? Because before me he had a fear of thunderstorms but he doesn't have it anymore. However, he is terrified to be away from me.
We start with a new therapist Thursday and hopefully we can get the medicine worked out. He just switched from Lexapro to Effexor and neither of us are convinced it was a good change. But something had to be changed because the lexapro wasn't owrking either.
Thanks for the support guys. Noone else seems to understand. They all say to just leave him because he's too controlling. People take for granted that the people they meet and know don't have any problems and its a really sad misconception. I mean if someone had cancer everyone is trying to help them, but poeple with emotional problems are just looked down upon. Its very sad... I wish more poeple understood.

[o-ren]

Yes, I think it is also a bad sign if you leave him be.  This is the time where he needs attention and support and we all should give it to him.   Now that you know what triggers his anxiety in churches, you now know how to tackle it.  By "safe object" do you mean yourself as his safe object?  If so, I think it is possible to transfer that thought into something else, but before that I believe that he should learn first to channel that thought into him.  From experience, I used marijuana and other drugs as my safe zone and then learned to respect myself and use my personal well being as my safe zone (thinking positive things about my health) then I moved on to God.  Now God is my safe object.  Does that make sense? I know it sounds confusing but this is the best way I can describe it.   :lachen001:

There is something I would like to know though, when he gets scared, what goes through his head?

[Tryn2Understand]

Yes that makes sense.
i asked him what goes through his head and he said, "Nothing. I mean I still know reality and I can tell right from wrong, but I feel complete terrer and cannot even think straight."
I don't know how much good that does you, but for the time being that is all he'll tell me. He is really tired right now though; I'll ask him again later when he's in a better mood.

[Tryn2Understand]

O-ren,
How did you channel the safe object to be yourself? I know that this is personal, and if you're not comfortable telling me I understand.
Thanks
 

[anxiousinfla]

I'm not answering for oren.
But, I understand. Separation anxiety....children go through it and our minds are in the adolescent stage with this disease at timed.
When I first was diagnosed, I didn't want my husband to leave the house. If he went to work, I was nuts. I didn't "feel safe". I had learned to lean on him so much that I didn't know how to make my own decisions any more.

It's like fear of driving  over that bridge....once you find out you can do it, it's okay. Same as once they find out you'll be okay at the soccer game, they'll be okay.

Through the Right medications, if necessary, CBT, return of self esteem,a HIGHER POWER to lean on,  and PRACTICE, your SO will be fine. May struggle, but will be fine. Does he/she work outside of the home and if so, how is that handled? perhaps I missed it, but is this only when you leave for soccer, when you leave PERIOD to go somewhere, etc......,????

[Tryn2Understand]

Yes, he goes to work outside the home, and I do as well. We handled it because he knew it was something I wouldn't budge on. He did have problems one time which was a total fiasco (He leaves an hour and a half before me, someone mentions soccer practice before he left and he left in a separate car (they all work at the same place) Once they were gone, He drove back and had a panic attack. He didn't want me to leave his side. A month and a half ago he cut 2 of his fingers off  but they put them back on and a temporary pin was put in one of them to hold the bone steady and it slid half-way out. We went to the hospital to get the pin fixed and saw the crises nurse on duty while we were there.)


Any other time we leave the house, we are always together. He won't go anywhere without me, unless he's really mad. If he's really mad he'll leave and drive around for a while. Other than that, he won't go anywhere without me. That realy does make alot of sense because his parents tell me when he was younger he wouldn't leave his mothers side except to go to school. Is it possible to have GAD and separation anxiety?


Is it better to make him face his fears?

[pinky5]

Tryn2Understand,

Hello. After reading this thread I am worried for you. I'm a little unclear on whether this person is your boyfriend or just a friend? The fact that he cut two of his fingers off is very scary, unless it was some kind of kitchen accident. If he is capable of hurting himself, he is capable of hurting you. You need to be concerned, not only for your safety, but for your emotional well being too. This is going to sound harsh, but you can't save someone else by going down with them. You have to take care of yourself first.

I'm thinking that maybe the scary thing about soccar to him is that you have a group and an interest that doesn't include him. For someone with anxiety that is very threatening. It's sad, but people involved with those that suffer from anxiety often find their world getting smaller and smaller because the anxiety sufferer isn't comfortable participating in activities and doesn't want you to either. I'm guilty of this in the past myself.

You said that you wouldn't budge about working and that's good. It's interesting that he can function well enough to go to work. Might mean that he is capable of more and just needs to be put in a position where it is necessary for him to do so. When you said that he came back home after leaving for work and then had a panic attack when everyone else was gone sounds like it might be manipulative behavior. When I used to have panic attacks, I was highly manipulative, would do anything to try to stay safe. When you have anxiety it feels like your life is at stake. Having separation anxiety is very common for those with other anxiety issues. I always used to have a "safe person". When I was a kid it was my mum, then when I left home it was my boyfriend. I got to the point where I wasn't very close to my family and my relationship had broken up and I had no choice but to try to become my own safe person. My mum and sister were in another country, my grandmother was dead, and my boyfriend of many years was gone. I felt like the floor had been ripped out from underneath me and I knew that I had to develop a feeling of safety that didn't include anyone else. So I went for therapy and developed a new mantra of "I am my own safe person" O-ren is exactly right.

Your friend/boyfriend needs to get better so you both can have more of a life. He might not be nearly as interested in this as you are. Depending on where he is with his anxiety he might just be interested in keeping you as close to him as possible. While this seems like a solution that will work to him it is just really a disaster, especially for your life. You deserve to be happy and that's why we get into relationships, to have someone to love, and to be loved, and to find happiness. Relationships aren't supposed to be about one person "saving " another.  I hope this doesn't seem too harsh, but it's just what I know to be true after dealing with anxiety for most of my life. Take care.

Rachel

[anxiousinfla]

I am concerned for you. You must feel trapped as hell.
You need to get your life back and so does he.

Yes, facing the fears is paramount. Medications and/or CBT are crucial at this point.

Separation anxiety may not be the exact diagnosis, but Yes, it is common for GAD sufferers to have those fears. They/we feel as  though we cannot function without the other person by our side or a phone call away (AND GOD FORBID, THEY DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE NOW).

The severing of the fingers (although I am not quite sure of the circumstances) may be a cry for help. He needs to get to a good Doctor, NOW, not later.

Offer to help him along the way with therapy for him first, then the both of you, You are in a very tough and vulnerable place that you need to get out of (not in the sense that you leave, but  in the sense that he gets professional help). You cannot do it for him.

I shall pray that you can help him or you'll be in the hospital yourself.

There is a lot of help here, Use it. God Bless, Kim

[o-ren]

O-ren,
How did you channel the safe object to be yourself? I know that this is personal, and if you're not comfortable telling me I understand.
Thanks
 

Basically in the simplest way I can put it is I "Let go of my fears."   It is difficult for someone who does not have anxiety to understand so I'll try to describe it to you.   Rachel gave good examples on how it is transfered.  Thanks Rach  .  Here is my bit.

When I wake up, I would feel nervous.  Images and sounds would pop into my head without warning and without any control.  I would feel tremble and sweaty and shaky all day 24/7.  Why is that you ask? It is because my head was so focused on my fears that nothing else mattered.  Then one day I got so sick of it I started to fight it and said to myself that this was not going to run my life. 

It was not an easy task mind you.  So many times where I trembled and fallen but I got back up.  So many times where in social situations I left a party without even saying goodbye or just hiding in my closet so my friends would not ask me to out to clubs.  I have run away from everything.  I was terrified as hell without any reason.

So how do you defeat fear when it does not exist but only to your brain? I asked myself that question and thought that if I did not have any reason to panic, anxiety would not exist.  So I started going to places that scared me.  I applied to school, went to malls, go out to clubs.  Even though I was terrified I took it one step at a time.   My symptoms did not go down till about 5-6 months after I started fighting it.  The more I did things that scared me, the more they went away.  So basically what I did was focused my head on myself rather than everything else unlike before.  I told myself everyday that this is going to go away and I can do this.  Nothing else mattered except my well-being.    Here is a link of a post of how I got through it.   

http://www.anxietyzone.com/index.php/topic,1555.0.html


See, sooner or later, your friend has to learn to NOT depend on you.  I know it sounds horrible but he has to learn that by himself.  Neither you, drugs, parents or anyone can make him change. It is up to him to actually start fighting it.  I am sorry to say but he cannot live his life like that.  There is so much in life that he would be missing out on, the beautiful things that makes life worthwhile living.   

One of the reasons why I wan to know what goes through your friends head is because I want to see if he depends on you because of his anxiety or just like Rachel said depend on you because he "Loves" you.   Although they can somehow correlate to each other, him panicking because he loves you is way different that him panicking because of his anxiety.   They both require different methods of treatment. 

[Tryn2Understand]

Ok I haven't read all the replies just yet, but I wanted to get this out ASAP.

Cutting his fingers off was an accident at work, he was helping another guy out with a saw and his fingers got in the way. It was a total accident

[Tryn2Understand]

Okay I read all your answers, and that sounds like good advice.
He is seeking professional help. In fact his first therapy apppointment with this new therapist is tomorrow. He also just recently got the med changed.

O-ren that sounds just like him. Terrified for no reason at all. Thank you for sharing that I will definately be sure to suggest that to him.

Rachel, we started dating a year ago, but didn't know he had anxiety until a few months ago. I am taking care of myself,  so don't worry about that. I am truly convinced he loves me.

Kim, I'm not sure I quite understand. Are you saying I aouldn't go to therapy with him?

He has relized he has a problem and wants to get help. He sees me cope with things and handle things that I don't like and he can't which really bothers him. He is at the point where he realizes that he is making himself miserable and wants to change that. He wants to get help so he can handle things that he doesn't like and move on with his life and be happy.

[Emily]

Tryn2Understand,

It's sad, but people involved with those that suffer from anxiety often find their world getting smaller and smaller because the anxiety sufferer isn't comfortable participating in activities and doesn't want you to either.

My god! This sounds like what I do to my husband.. I need to work on that!



I wish you guys the best of luck with the therapy!!! Please keep us posted?

Emily

[anxiousinfla]

Not that you shouldn't not go. It is my opinion that he needs to deal with his issues first, without you and then you can work on your issues when he is in a better place. Hard to work on issues together when one suffering is "out there"

I had to deal with my own fears before I could counsel with my husband and children. Had to get "better" myself first.....Hope that explains it better....

Kim

[Tryn2Understand]

That would make sense, except he will definately not go without me becuae he has had AWFUL experiences with therapists before.

But on the brighter side of things he is going to join this forum as well.

[pinky5]

Tryn2Understand,

That's a relief that it was an accident. The way it sounded to me in your post made me think that it was self inflicted.

Rachel     

[anxiousinfla]

As Pinky said, I too am relieved the fingers were an accident...whew. One less thing to worry about.

Hey, feel free to go with him...but if it's a good therapist, they will insist that he have his own sessions apart from yours. . You can be in the other room, in the car, shopping... .but as long as you show your support, he may be more apt to go.
facing the fears "head on" is hard, but it's one step forward, two steps back.And if the therapist isn't working out, don't be afraid to get another one.

You both need to get your lives back...you can't live like this forever, It cripples you and him. And I understand......My GAD is with me daily, and the really bad days come and goe and when it comes it's VERY , VERY bad. Don't want to leave the house, stay in bed, etc....

Use caution enabling him once he starts with the therapist (what I mean is listen to the therapist and if they say he has to do something on his own, he must do it on his own, no matter how hard it is for him and painful for you to see). My husband used to tell me "you don't have to do that if you don't want"...after the therapist said i did......but I did have to do it. He just didn't want to see me struggle.

I don't know how long he has suffered or how many medications he has been on, but for long time sufferere rs, there is a new procedure out that may help (he has to talk to the Doctor about it,  not the therapist). If it has been a long time, let me know and I'll tell you about it. May be something he is interested in.

I am so happy he will be joining the forum Let us know what his "name" will be, so we have a "heads up" on the situation...although he may have other things to say....and please allow him that privacy if he asks for it. Some of us can only tell other sufferer es our inner most fears.

Keep us posted.........may have to start another thread when this one gets to the bottom of the page..

My prayers to both of you, Kim