Just found out this might be me...

[Mehitabel]

This is all insanely new to me. I'm 18, I live in Canada, I graduated from high school on June. People call me Bent. I'm sorry this is so long, but I'm just very grateful to come across this site. I haven't had anyone to talk to about this.

I quit the job I had as a cashier in June. I was planning on taking the summer off then finding a new (and better) job in the fall. well, here it is into October and I still don't have a job. People keep calling me lazy. I *want* a job, I really do. I've been searching for one that suits me, which is one where I don't have to deal with people. The thing is, I can't leave my house by myself. The farthest I can go is a few houses down to the mailbox. If I go any further than that, I automatically freak out. I feel like everyone is staring at me (if there's no one around then I feel like someone's staring out their window), I feel like I'm doing something stupid or wrong. So I can't take the bus to the mall to hand out resumes by myself. The very thought is mortifying. I was trying to figure out what's wrong with me. I always despised presentations in school, I'd do anything to get out of them. I hate meeting new people. It scares the crap out of me. I feel like there's a pounding in my head, and I can't think straight.

I don't think it was even a week ago, I was on the internet, and I came across a site on Social Anxiety Disorder. I'd never heard of it before. I couldn't believe what I read. It was describing my perfectly. To tell you the truth, I cried. I went searching through pages and pages of information about this disorder and cried my eyes out. Maybe because I was afraid something was wrong with me, or maybe because I was relived that what might be wrong with me is fixable. I finally saw something I could identify with. I'm not lazy or stupid or a crazy paranoid person, there might be something I can fix.

Well, that night I worked up the courage to tell my mum what I found out. It didn't go very well... I found out that she was not only familiar with the disorder, she said she has problems with it too, and pretty much dismissed me. At least that's what it felt like. I was still feeling drained from crying for hours earlier, and that just snapped me in half. My sister found me in my room a little later sobbing my eyes out. She wouldn't leave me be until I told her what was wrong. She tried to talk to me a little, and gave me her Psychology textbook to read what it said about anxiety, and specifically social anxiety disorder. I think her idea was to prove to me there was nothing wrong, but all it did was describe everything I was feeling, down to a T.

Whew. Now then. I want help. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I love nature. I want to be able to go for walk again by myself in the park, I don't want to have to depend on other people to take me everywhere. I want to be able to get a job, to live. How do I bring it up with my doctor? And I don't really want to go on drugs, I'd like to get into therapy, but I just don't know how to bring it up. I'm afraid the doctor will dismiss it, tell me I'm being silly, and I'll just embarrass myself. How do I do it?

[pinky5]

Mehitabel,

I'm sorry that you're having a hard time right now, but it's good that you're aware of what's going on. It's disappointing when family comes up short when you need support, I know that  from experience. There is a lot of anxiety in my family, especially the women and it seems like where there is anxiety that hasn't been  dealt with, there is a lot of denial. My mum was always the queen of denial and still is. In her mind it's much better to pretend that everything is fine than to actually go for therapy and admit that there is a problem. It's just that they're too afraid and have been taught the right thing to do is just suck it up. You have to worry about taking care of yourself, not following the family way.

You don't need a referral to go to a therapist. It doesn't have anything to do with a doctor. I know what you're saying about not wanting to be on medications, I felt the same way and have dealt with my anxiety without them. I have been to both psychologists and therapists and was happy with the quality of care I got from both. I have never been to a psychiatrist because I think they deal more with the medication side of things and do some therapy. I think they are the only ones that you might need a referral to go see. I am in Canada also and many therapists are much cheaper than psychologists. Psychologists, I think start at about 120 per hour while therapists range more in the 55 to 85 an hour range. Many therapists work on a sliding scale. The last one I went to I paid $40 because that was what I could afford at the time. You can go for less than this and there are places that offer free counseling too. Just pick up the phone book and start calling around, You'll find a lot of really caring people who can really help you.

I know it's a really intimidating thought to go into a therapist's office and open up. I was telling someone in a recent post that the first time I went to a session, i sat down took one look at the therapist and started to cry. I couldn't stop for about 5 minutes and I was crying so hard, I couldn't even get any words out. He just looked at me kindly and patiently and waited for me to stop. They have seen it all so you don't have to worry about looking stupid or saying something that will shock them.

As well as therapy there are lots of books that you can read. That was a big part of healing for me, just to learn everything I could. Just be open to whatever might help. There are many, many people who feel the way you do. I have had various anxiety symptoms over the years, but my main challenge is the social stuff. Read my past posts (there are a lot, grab a coffee)
Just posting on this site can be a huge release. Don't worry about what you say, everyone here understands anxiety and most are older than you and have lots of experience to share.

It is hard, but you really have to push yourself to beat this anxiety. You can't give in to it. Just do the things that you're scared to and little by little you'll get stronger. I recently went back to college after avoiding that situation for a long time. At first I would drive up there to register and I just couldn't bring myself to get out of the truck. I just sat there and cried the first couple of times in the parking lot. But I kept going, getting a little closer to registering every time, and now I am starting my second year. There are some really hard days, but I know I have to keep trying. You can do it

It's great that you are reaching out for help. I'm usually here every day, and my email is listed on my profile. I'm happy to help support you whenever you need it.
Take care and hang in there. Hugs

Rachel

[o-ren]

Hi mehitabel,

Sounds like your anxiety is genetic related.  If your mother had it and still does, there is a chance that you gained SAD through heredity.  That being said, that does not mean that you will not get better.  It is a good sign that you are taking the first step into battling anxiety and getting help professionally.   I also went to a psychiatrist here in Toronto and did not like the methods that he gave me because it was mainly focused on medications and drugs rather than tackling my real SAD problem.  That to me was enough alone to not go back and I never did.  I went in a total of 4 sessions and about 5 months of Celexa and took me another 2-3 months to phase it out of my system. 

In order to fight anxiety without drugs there is really only one way to do it.  It is to face your fears.  I know, I know it is not easily achieved but it is really that simple.  I suggest you start going out by yourself and take it one step at a time.   Start on getting to your mailbox everyday.  Once you pass that fear, move on to something further than your mailbox (convenience store, park, etc).   There are ways to achieve this (CBT, Meditation, conditioning, etc), whatever path you choose is up to you.  Tell your psych that this is the road that you are willing to take and drugs are not an option.    By the way, this is the road that I took in order to beat anxiety and now I am close of fully beating it  .  Took me about 3 years but I am almost there. 


P.S. The first step into achieving your goal is letting go.  You have to let go of your fears.  Go out shaking and nervous to your mailbox but do not run away.  Do what it takes for you to get pass through every obstacle.  You can do it.  .  I know you can.

[Mehitabel]

Thank you guys sooo much for replying. You've been very helpful. It means a lot to me for someone to understand. There a a couple reasons I want to talk to my doctor about it. The first is because I've gone to him quite a few times, and I trust him, and am comfortable talking to him. The other is that I've been having bad headaches for about a year, which my doctor figured out were from stress. He thought that since I'm out of school, the stress and the headaches should go away. But if I do have this social anxiety disorder, the headaches aren't going to go away. I've been on too many prescriptions for the last year to cure any headache coming my way to find out if I'm actually still getting them. As of now I'm being weaned off one. I should be going to see him this week, and I'll probably be back on here after I do. 

The only person outside my family I've actually talked to about this is my boyfriend. He really is absolutely wonderful, but he seems to only half understand. He wants to help, but I don't think he realizes how much it's effecting me.

Right now I'm looking at psychologists in the area, and I think I might check out a book. I'm going to try to get out more... but right now I don't have much confidence. Thank you so much for the help... it's appreciated so much.

[o-ren]

Good luck on your theraphy and sessions.  I hope everything works well.  Good luck