The Waiting Game

[shrublet]

Back again- swore I wouldn't come here anymore because I thought I was "over it." I guess that just makes the relapses even more frustrating.

Here's a new one for me- ovarian cancer. Or liver cancer. Or any kind of abdominal cancer, really, I'm not picky. A few nights ago, I noticed that the right side of my abdomen is noticeably larger than the left- to the point where there are stretch marks on the right side. Now, I have gained some weight recently. Ok, well "some" might mean "quite a bit". And it could very well be that I'm just gaining weight assymetrically...? However, I am, of course, picking the much more dire prognosis.

My fears have been erratic- I thought I had liver cancer and made my father take me to ER at midnight. I got laughed at, basically, and they told me I could come in for an ultrasound this Friday. The next day, I had some blood tests done to rule out leukemia (I have a friend with leukemia, so it's on my mind, selfishly enough), as well as some other things. So I've been fixating on liver issues for a while because there is a noticeable bulge under my right ribcage compared to the left.

Now I'm panicking over ovarian cancer, as the pain has moved down into my hips and lower back in a "pms pain" type fashion. I'm on oral contraceptives continuously for mood issues, so I only have the "time of the month" once every ~3 months or so. I just had one about two weeks ago. I also have kind of a history of bleeding after sex (admittedly rougher than the norm, perhaps? err...  ) and I pee every hour or more! My grandmother did have a "mild" case of breast cancer (due to too much estrogen, I think, not a genetic mutation) and no family history of cancer of any kind. I'm also 20 years old, so I know the chances are next to nil...

I do have this ultrasound on Friday morning (as of now, it's 1:30 AM on Thursday, so ~35 hours to go) and I'm torn between wanting the relief of knowing I'm more than likely ok, and not wanting to get the awful cancer diagnosis I'm so sure awaits me. I'm also not looking forward to the morbid embarrassment I'm going to feel after having it proved to me that it was just another anxiety thing and I've strained all my relationships for nothing. (AND that I've gained weight... assymetrically, even!) This PMS-y feeling is really uncomfortable, and the abdominal unevenness is worrying. Tomorrow is going to be the longest day ever; I honestly feel like I'm going to have a complete break down if I think about it too much. The scenario of having the diagnosis delivered to me just keeps running in my head, over and over...

I know to an outsider, my fears seem totally erratic and ridiculous. A couple weeks ago it was brain tumors, now it's ovarian cancer. This cramping is so unusual though... I'm going out of my mind. To be honest, I'm not really sure why I'm posting. I KNOW that this is just a new manifestation of my anxiety and that the symptoms are all somatic... and that I'm probably bored because I'm on a break from school. I guess it's partly venting, part wanting reassurance, part... I don't know.

[luv2chat]

Hi Shrublet just wondering you have ever read my posts. You and I sound alike I thought that was something I wrote. I to am going through the same thing I can tall ya. Mine was 7 weeks ago was shopping then had aweful lower back pain with pain in liver area also which at that time my anxiety wasnt here at all so I bought some gas stuff seemed ok. Well then I keep haveing real bad lower backache actually right to the right of my tailbone then it would go around to my groin then my pelvic was so darn achy felt like I was getting my period all the time. SO I understand. I googled and made myself sick it was ovarian cancer uterine cancer all those along with stomache etc....So then my anxiety kicked in so then it got worse I went to the hospital which if you have read my posts I dont do. Turns out had a UTI at that time it felt like my bladder was falling out. Well UTI pain went away but still have the achyness and tailbone issues they also did CT scan of pelvic and abdomen all was fine.Anyways really I think I pulled my back. My biggest fears are the big C just like alot of others and i am contstanly inspecting my body feeling for lumps thinking im finding them thenit just keeps this nasty little cycle going..I hate it.I stopped telling my husband my issues think he thinks im crazy.Im sure you fine. OH and the rough sex can give you a UTI and that might explain peeing every hr which is what i was doing alos the peeing part.