33yom tired of living in fear, panic, anxiety. Nice to meet you.

[dirkfunk13]

Hello all.  i stumbled upon this site on the verge of a panic attack and am so happy to have found it.

My first panic attack (PA) happened in high school (around '91-'92).  It started with the dreaded "brain fog" and escalated into a full blown PA.  I happened to be discussing a Ouija board at the lunchroom table when I first felt the "brain fog" rolling in.  I seriously thought it was because of the discussion of the Ouija board!  I was sure i was getting possessed from talking about it!  How ridiculous is that?  Of course it had everything to do with my age (14, i believe), horrible relationship with my family (no abuse, however), stressed from doing bad in school, never properly feeling excepted by peers, etc.  The anxiety just happened to start at that moment.  The problem was I had no clue about anxiety, never heard of a panic attack, and literally thought I was losing my mind.  I started avoiding the lunchroom, certain hallways, even certain classrooms where I began to feel weird around.  I was hopeless, stuck in brain fog, and scared to death.  Worst of all I had nobody to talk to because of the fear that I WAS insane.

After high school things seemed to get better being away from where it began.  I finally read a few years later an article on anxiety.  i learned what a panic attack was.  Just knowing about it, and seeing it was as common as it was made me feel a million times better, and I did not have a panic attack, or anxieties, for several years.

After that I remember getting one or two attacks over several years later.  One was at a fair and it happened as soon as I was strapped into a tilt-a-whirl type ride.  I felt completely claustrophobic (sp?), locked down, at the hands of a Carney.  After the fact I calmed down, reminded myself it was only a PA, and just avoided similar situations.  The bad thing is i LOVE rollercoasters, and occasionally make an exception to the rule. 

Fast forward some more.  I was medically retired from the Air Force in 2006 at 32 years old (after 13 years of dedicated service (retired as a TSgt)).  I opened a skateshop (that went under after 1 1/4 years, and found it harder and harder to find work (all due to the economy).  By now I was a husband to a beautiful wife (just celebrated 11 years), and a father to the most beautiful 4, and 6 year old little girls.  I was struggling with the thought f not being able to provide anymore.  The stress was escalating again...

Fast forward AGAIN (please  ) to this past January.  I started college full time, and a new bipolar med (Lamictal), and was smoking weed occasionally.  One of my classes was health & wellness.  All of a sudden I was exposed to all of the worst-case-scenario med conditions, heart disease, cancer, etc.  I started to have chest pains (possible side effect of Lamictal) and the fear and panic started over.  All of a sudden I was consumed with my own mortality, thought every pain I felt was life threatening, etc.  I went to the emergency room thinking I was having a heart attack, and guess what?  Nothing.  Chest x-rays, EKG, bloodwork, I was perfectly healthy.  Of course I was having family issues at the time: no job, living in a mobile home after living in a big house, filed for bankruptcy after losing business, doing not so well in school... I was in 1991 all over again.  The panic, fear, anxiety came back full-blast.

I am tired of being in fear.  I am tired of brain fog.  I am tired of sleepless nights, feeling extremely anxious, I am tired of the what-if thoughts, I am sick of living this way.  I wish my wife truly understood what I am feeling.

Only this time I cant seem to shake it off on my own.  Sometimes I have a fear that my issues are getting worse, but realistically I am sure they are not, I just wish I could convince THAT part of the brain that needs convincing.

I (very recently) tried an OCD med on the advice of my doctor: Fluvox (I think).  He said that when I can bring the obsessions of fear and dying to go away, the anxiety would go away.  Unfortunately I had bad insomnia, and it amplified my anxiety 10X's worse (both side effects of that drug).  I stopped after 3 complete days.

So hear I am... telling my life anxiety story in detail.  Of course I feel wonderful just sharing this with people that understand.  I do not want to take any new meds,  It feels harder and harder for my mind and body to adjust.  And I worry about the long-term use of the drugs.

I don't drink, don't smoke cigarettes (never even took a puff), quit smoking the occasional marijuana hits, and have not been a caffeine drinker for a very long time.  I even exercise 3-4 times a week for 30 minutes .

Thank you for letting me share this openly, without bias, with everyone here.  I am ready to recover from this (again) and move on so I can enjoy my life as I should be doing.

[sixpack]

hi dirkfunk--

welcome to this crazy little group   I'm glad you found us and I'm certain you'll meet others here in similar situation. 

My daughter has a seizure disorder,  She took lamictal for a while.  I guess that's been about 5yrs back now.  But it didn't like be coupled with another one of her seizure meds, so we changed her out to another.

I can say that some meds don't agree with some people.  Sometimes it is definitely a hit or miss until the right one is found.  It sounds like you are doing a lot of the right things to combat the BEAST naturally.  Hopefully you'll be able to make some headway.  I do think this forum is quite helpful.  when you see, really see, that others are going through similar things, it helps.  The ole misery loves company thing, I guess   But maybe it is more than that---maybe it is more that others are dealing with this and living pretty well, so it gives you hope that you can too. 

[andre12]

Hi dirkfunk- I am also new here and this is the first time I write anything here. I was reading your post and felt I have a lot in common with you and maybe I could share some things with you. I am 38 yrs old and I started having PA's around '89. It took a few years before I realized what i had. At that time I was put on luvox as well but for me it was a lifesaver but it honestly took about 4-5 weeks before it started to work. And I will admit that before i got better I got worse. Unfortunately this seems to be the pattern of ssri's. But I really believe if you give it a good chance you will be amazed at how much it helps. Now having said that after taking luvox for 10 yrs I decided maybe I should give my body a break from it. I have now been about five years without it but it has been a battle. I am currently on a program called truehope which is a vitamin mineral supplement specially formulated for people with mental illness more so for people with bipolar but seems to help a lot of people with anxiety disorders as well. It does helps me a lot but still not as effective as the luvox was for me ( I am considering going back to the luvox someday but I am going to give truehope a good shot first). You can check it out at truehope.com then click on news room the scroll down to Discovery health Parts 1,2,3,4&5. Watching this gives you a good idea what its about. But I will warn you it is expensive but not another internet scam in my opinion. This is a non profit company and has a lot of research and medical proffessionals backing it up. I hope this information helps you in some way. I to have two beautiful children and a great wife. Good luck to you hope thing work out.

[dirkfunk13]

I have to share this with everybody...  I just finished reading an AMAZING book that I found on Amazon called: From Panic to Power, by Lucinda Bassett.  I HIGHLY reccomend this book!!!  I have never felt so good about recovery (and have already lost the fear of panic attacks!!!) until reading it!  I know this sounds to good to be true but I urge EVERYBODY READING THIS to look it up.  It is absolutely amazing.  PLEASE take the time to look it up. Very easy to read, full of guidance, insperation, and self-help excersise.  I have not even had the desire to go back to meds...  I am going to beat this on my own!