Am I an addict?

[Josie]

Since 1999, I have been on so many meds that only worked for a short time.  I would keep my meds with me to take another dose if the regular dose didn't seem to help.  During a major depression and/or major Anxiety attack, all I think is getting more meds in me to stop what is going on inside.  I have meds in my cabnet that are just sitting there because they didn't work or side effects  I at times my take some of those to see if it might help this time.  If nothing is working I then try to cut myself to relieve pain.  I ususally don't get any blood, but It can be like a high feeling like I can control

[apple]

Oh sweety you are not an addict, you just feel helpless.  Not having the proper meds will do this to you.  My husband says I have a pharmacy under our bed.  Thats where I keep my lock box of meds.  I only started throwing out useless meds this year.  I did the same thing as you, I just wanted to feel better.  Addiction is when you keep takin the meds everyday and cant stop takin them.  Do you have any anti-anxiety meds?  They would be more helpful to stop anxiety attacks in the short term.

Dont feel bad about cutting. It is more common than you think.  I did for a couple of years myself.  We all do it for all sorts of reasons.  Sometimes its the only release we have.

What meds have you been on?  http://www.anxietyzone.com/index.php/topic,223.0.html
Check out this thread.  Its a table of classes of meds.  Maybe you have just been taking the same class of med and thats why none work.  Maybe you need to try a med from a different group?  You can print it off and take it to your doctor.  Deffinataly ask about anti-anxiety med.

Hope you find something that works.

[Josie]

Thank you so much.  I do feel helpless.  The meds I have been taking are for both anxiety and depression.  My doctor just put me on Lorazepam.  He didn't want to prescribe it due to it's addictiveness.  I will due as you have suggested.

[GMan86]

I am currently on Klonopin now and my doc says its addictive. I am weaning myself off of it as we speak. I'm sorry to hear about your meds. not working for you. It seems like a growing trend on this forum that meds arent working properly(Me included) 

[gloomy]

Psychiatrists give meds out like sweets in Britain and with it I feel it gives us all false hope that they will solve everything.  Unfortunatly they only dampen down depression and anxiety and make it slightly better to cope with it has taken me years to realise this as getting a psychiatrist to admit it is difficult.  The root of the problem needs to be explored and tackled meds are fine as a short term measure while the problem is being dealt with but ultimately you can only bury the beast so far under and eventually it finds its way out again.  This is purely my own opinion and I dont want to offend anybody who does have real faith and results with meds.  We are all so different this "one size fits all approach" really annoys me with the National Health Service in Britain.  And it also annoys me when psychiatrists tell us the meds they are giving us are addictive which adds to our anxiety and apprehension!!

[Josie]

I do agree about medicine being past out like candy.  Like candy, we can become sick due to side effects or to much of it.  I have heard so many times,"We'll see if this works".    They are "educated guessers".   Then we tell them when they have guessed right or wrong.  A lab rat comes to mind. 
I know my medical doctor has tried his best, so he has admitted that he can only go so far to help me on meds.  I see a bonified shrink tomorrow for med change.  Every one that I have gone to all say that I need life time of meds so I don't relapse.  Every times I do, it gets worse than before.

[GMan86]

I wish there was a magic pill that made anxiety dissappear forever 

[Josie]

Even if there were a magic pill, I wouldn't be able to afford it. 
I know God can heal me, but, I can't seem to find Him.
Right now, this is all I know what to do.

[apple]

If there was I'd give it out like candy!!

God is tryin hun.

[Josie]

I know His tryin'.  I know He is there.  I am struggling with my faith right now.  I am confused and I know it's part of these "disorders" I have been labels with.  I just want to sleep. 
I have been spending a lot of time in the arcade.  Love the choices.  It's about the only thing I can concentrate on these days.  I believe I am an addict to the arcade room.  Chat with you later.

[gloomy]

Unfortunately the effects of meds can be that positive that they stop us from developing any real coping strategies and if they dont work it leaves us feeling helpless because we are in a culture where meds solve everything.  I used to think if these wonder drugs arent working what am I going to do I must be a really off the wall case (obviously my neurotic outlook on life doesn't help).  All the time I never looked into myself and tried to pinpoint any reasons for my behaviours I expected my doctor to do that and be able to tell me.

  If you walked with the aid of a crutch you would work on getting your leg strong before taking the crutch away!! Or you could walk with the crutch forever if it wasn't a big deal for you.   The mind works the same way Meds are an emotional crutch.

[GMan86]

I wonder what its like to be normal   

[Josie]

I don't expect the meds. to solve my problems.  I already know what my problems are and what they are doing to me.  Coping, however, is what I am struggling with.  I am a survivor.  Surviving the after math of trying to commit 0119 is very hard to live with.
I am trying to find my place in this world.  I have a new life, but the old is still always at my heels.  This new life, isn't what I was hoping for or I am just having a hard time figuring it out.  
To help me solve my problems, I need to think straight so I can learn to cope and then try to get off of them again once I figure out how to cope.  I can't learn to cope if I cant' think rationally.
I feel like I am being dogged by others about the subject of being on meds.  I know there are facts to support the positive side of medication and the negative side of medication.  I don't want to be on meds.  I don't want to be off meds.  If I don't find the right one soon, I am afraid I will die this time.  If I get off of them I know I will die.
Let me know if you ever find out what it is like to be normal.  Can I actually get there?

[GMan86]

I am absolutely amazed that you have been on and off meds since 1999. Wow, that doesn't sound to promising for people taking meds out there such as myself. I really wonder sometimes if I am going to get better and I've only been on meds for about 3 months. So far I have come to the conclusion that my meds have only worked for the first few weeks and does not have the same effect as time passes. I feel your pain Josie. Nobody can really understand what we go through except us. Everyone from the outside speculates, but they don't know how hard it truly is to live with an anxiety disorder. Sometimes I think to myself, is it even worth living with? I have so many aspirations and goals in life and I just think about what if this never gets better? Life is out there for the taking but this anxiety disorder just won't let me grab it. Whats the point of living if you have to endure everyday and you cant enjoy life. Every minute that passes during the day I can't help to think about all of the things I am missing out on. I have proved to myself and many people who are witness to my success already as a bodybuilder/fitness model. And now it has been taken away from me and I don't know how to handle it. It is a very rough road because there are no guarantees that this will get any better. I just have to try and stay faithful to the Lord and pray as much as possible.

[gloomy]

Josie you are too fragile at the moment to even think about leaving the meds.  I appreciate your trying to find coping strategies and I know how difficult that can be.  I am not against meds I have had a few periods in the last 10 years where they have made me happy, it was my personal choice to try and cope without them. What would you consider to be normal?  How would you like your life to be this time next year?  My normality is coping with an anxiety disorder, depression the loss of my father and son and my own 0119 attempt without wanting to 0473 again every day!!  My heart goes out to you I hope you can find your own sense of normality.  You are a survivor.