Relapsing

[NightOwl]

I feel like I am trying and trying and never come out of this.  I felt good for 10 days recently then suddenly for seemingly no reason I started going back to not being able to get out of bed easily and not eating.  I am 6'1 and weigh under 140 now becuase I can't force myself to eat enough.  And so now I keep panicking I will die from not eating or from being so upset or something.

I'm almost 30, live with my parents, have never had a job, and just everything in life gives me anxiety, it seems.  I also have a lot of characteristics of social anxiety disorder, obsessive/compulsive, panic, etc...  But when I have some things making me happy, I can go years feeling decent and not going into an actual depression like I have currently been in.

This one and my last one both came because of girls online.  With the current one, she is 17 (but legal there), and it is obvious how caring she is, but I have too much anxiety towards meeting her and for some reason 1 day I just started feeling unsure about her when we have been really serious for a while now.  I know it seems like online and age differences could only be bad.  But it seemed so definite we were right for each other.  But anyway so now I am so confused what I feel that it put me into this depression for 2 months now.  I go all back and forth because it's so hard to tell if my anxiety is making me feel different (I am always worrying about it) or if it's true that we wouldnt be good for each other.  The days that I do manage to get through my anxiety I feel like she is perfect.

I have anxiety towards so much.  Even tlaking on the phone gets me panicking.  I can't stand this much longer.  I don't know what to do to feel happy.

[anxiousinfla]

hhhmmmmm........a 17 year old would give me a tremendous amount of anxiety also...legal or not, the maturity level is just not there for you, especially if you suffer from GAD, phobias,don't work, etc....you "really" believe she'll be all that caring?....God forbid she has a parent like me....be a cold day in hell before she walked out that door to meet anyone she met on line or someone nearly twice her age until she was old enough to make her own decisions, out of school, etc......Just my opinion........

Have you seen a therapist? If not, I would get to one asap....for your anxiety issues and the 17 year old.

[NightOwl]

I know how it seems.  But it's not like I am using her.  Also she does know about all of my problems because I am constantly whining about my anxiety and being confused about us and everything and it kills me that i can't meet her just to be sure of what I feel.  She claims she would feel the same no matter what and that it isn't because of me being older.  Trust me, I wish she was older.  Even though it would be legal (plus not saying we would do anything anyway), teenagers are so stressful, I would never allow this again.  But what if it were to be true that we were right for each other?  It is pretty sad i guess if we are, but my personality is not exactly adult all the time.  I obviously have had issues with growing up, thus the no job and living with parents situations.

I actually have a degree, and ever since I stopped having school to force me to get out of the house, I have been in my room almost all of the time.  It's driving me crazy, yet with my social anxiety and also my body being accustomed to being in the house, it is so incredibyly hard to do more than walk outside a few minutes or go to a store.

Oh yeah and I don't drive because of a vision problem, never got my license... but theoretically could if I want.


I have got through things pretty fine EXCEPT when I have an online relationship.  I have so much anxiety towards them in person.  This is the second online-caused major depression for me.  Between the 2 (other one was almost 3 years ago) I have lost about 30-40 pounds.  It is so important to me to have a relationship that when I have nobody I am sad, but yet when I do have someone (online, which obviously isnt the same as being with them still) I am still sad, worried, depressed, jealous, etc etc.  And I feel bad what she has gone through too, but I didn't plan this.  I had no clue this could happen to me WHILE IN a relationship, last time it was because I was broken up with.

I have always been after a long-term relationship.  That's just how I've been...  It's not like I purposely find someone this young.  She is the one being more mature in handling things than I am actually.

Yes I have talked to several therapists about the anxiety, the depression, and the girl.  They really help none.  I am trying yet another on Monday and this one uses CBT, which none of the others did.  But I have read CBT books constantly for 1-2 months now and still can't quite beat this.  Mainly because that decision is looming over my head, how I feel towards a girl.  Because there seems to be NO reason for me to not care about her, other than my anxiety popping up.

This is just so confusing.

Also she claims her parents have told her before she needs an older guy.  Sounds kind of weird though.

[NightOwl]

To sum up what is really behind all of this though:
1.  Switched schools in 6th grade and really never felt comfortable around people again.
2.  Have been isolated for like 15 years other than school and occasionally going out to something.  (probably has REALLY worked on my thinking process in a disadvantageous way).
3.  I sleep during the day and have anxiety towards sleeping at night.
4.  If even a slight thing goes wrong, I panic and cant handle it.  I can't handle the slightest stomach problem at all, for example.
5.  Never ask girls out, other than online, and to me a relationship has been the one thing I've wanted the most in life, to be close with someone.

I actually had a psychologist tell me one time a couple years ago that he wished I had come to him when I was 18, because after being in my room for 10 years, it would be hard to help me!  And he basically did not even try to help.

[apple]

Your weight is really scary...I was 92lbs at 5'2" for most of my adult life.  You should talk to your doctor about how you feel about food and your stomach problems, Could be ulcers from anxiety and stress or meds if you've been on them.  Thats what happened to me.   No doctor helped me till I was honest about it 5 years ago and I had pulips and could have gotten cancer.  I am ulcer free now and 128lbs. Yeay!!  Sometimes I still cant eat and its not ulcers anymore its just anxiety and sometime the doc gives me meds to calm my stomach enough to eat.

As far as the young girl goes...at 24 I met a 17 year old as well.  Not the right choice but I had 2 year relationship with him and a child with him none the less and left because he was abusive so I have no right to tell you how wrong it sounds.  Be careful, my friends daughter is 15 and presenting herself as 17, going on 18  on the net.

If you are not healthy (weight especially) you will not function proper.  Your brain is not getting the nutrients it needs to think clearly.  It will also not help your anxiety at all...make it worse I think.

I believe if you get yourself healthy and your anxiety under control you will be able to make the choices you need to make with better clearity.  Please do the CBT and maybe think about some meds to help you along the way.  You can live the life you want.

[NightOwl]

Thanks.  I feel so bad today because I had to go get x-rays of my upper GI and I am on a messed up sleeping schedule so I was only able to sleep 3 hours before going and now I feel so terrible it is making my anxiety much worse.

I don't have any ulcers or pulips or anything.  It really sucks that I can't find out why I have so much acid and stomach problems.  My anxiety I am sure leads to some of it, but even on days I felt good on I was still having those issues.  And the medicine doesnt get rid of it all by any means. 

It's so hard for me not to give up.  I keep trying to change my thinking and it only works temporarily then I am right back to feeling hopeless.  I am scared about the meds and some doctors tell me antidepressants only help about 50% of patients to begin with, along with all of their risks.  I don't know how to pull through this.  It's been like this most days for months.

[NightOwl]

I am getting worse yet again.  I am very sensitive and if people around me feel bad, I let it REALLY depress me.  I live with my parents (one of my many problems   ) and heard my mom very upset earlier.  And she had just taken an antidepressant a couple days ago and then stopped, I think.  So now I am worried the medicine did it rather than her normal self, and if so... then I am even more scared to take medicine myself. 

I have good physical health "supposedly" so it makes me really sad that I amw asting away years that could be happy.  Now when I do have any health problem, I will not be able to handle it because I already can't handle these smaller problems.    I don';t know why I can't just think positive and be strong enough to have my own life.  I am dependant on others for my happiness and I try and try with the CBT and I then slide back.  And especially when I hear my mom upset, it bothers me becuase she is who I count on to get me in a better mood. 

[GMan86]

Seek a psychiatrist my friend. The world of medicine can do wonders for your disorders. There are so many possible cures for what you have and it is HIGHLY treatable. In combonation with therapy you will feel 100x better! Seek help, please.

[NightOwl]

I have.  I just have been scared to try some of the medicines.

But it's almost to the point of having no choice.  More and more things pop up to make me feel hopeless, so it seems difficult to do it without medicines now.  I do take lorazepam, but that's it so far.

[GMan86]

Sometimes you have to hit rockbottom to realize and in my case thats exactly what needed to happen. Then I started listening to the doctors and taking the med's and I'm on a road to recovery. Stay positive and keep God in your heart.

[NightOwl]

It's hard to believe there is any hope.  I just read some things claiming that in a lot of studies placebo worked even BETTER than antidepressants.  And that there has never been any proof at all that a chemical imbalance causes anything.  i've tried to feel better and now I am starting to just feel totally hopeless.  And I know from past experience how long it takes to get the medicine out of my system, in the case that it has side-effects too hard to handle.  I took 1 pill of effexor, I think.  Or maybe I took half a pill one day and then 1 more another day.  And then I stopped and it took a week to get that 1 or 2 days of pills out of me.  What if I took something a month then the side-effects were still horrible?  It could take a long time to get out of me and then me feel much worse than I already am.

I don't know what to do.  I "feel" t rock bottom, even though most people would be able to handle what i go through.    I am surprised I was able to get out of bed today.

[o-ren]

Night, there is always hope.  As long as you are breathing, there is HOPE.  With all the drugs and chemical treatment that you have recieved and nothing changed have you thought about treating your spiritual being.  I know it sounds corny, but when everything else fails you still have God to look onto.  You have dealth with other methods in the past and it does not look promising, how bout trying this one  .  Just a suggestion. 

[NightOwl]

I constantly "ask" that God be in my heart, that he help me, etc...  It feels almost like I can't "feel" anything in my heart towards anyone lately though.  That is a huge part of why I stay depressed.  The fact that with this girl I havent met... I sometimes feel so rgeat tlaking to her then other times I wake up empty and feel like nothing can be felt in my heart towards her (wheras it is really towards everyone, I think, rather than meaning I don't like her).  It is soooooo hard for me on both the girl issue and the God issue because I need so badly to physically see and experience to actually "feel" the love.  It hurts that I can';t make myself meet this girl to be more sure how it would be with her.  And also that it seems so hard to get myself feeling how I "should" religiously.

But anyway I read some God-related things, I read cognitive therapy books, I try to change my thinking and realize that worrying and feeling sad does not change anything in life for the better (unless maybe if it had made me meet the girl, maybe it could have led to something positive.... but since I continue to be too scared to, the anxiety about it is just hurting me for nor eason).

I really have rarely gone to church, by the way.  I've always felt that it was true (despite doubts thatc reep into my head), but I just somehow never wanted to go to church.  I feel anxious towards that, just as with many things.


So long story short, I am very confused.  Sometimes I can still feel like my old self for short periods of time. That is why I hate so much to risk losing EVEN THAT if a pill ends up making me feel no emotion either way.

I've made it through a depression just as bad as this HOWEVER thatw as when a girl broke up with me, so she was no longer there contributing more to it every day, THIS situation is a girl I keep being confused with so the "cause" of the original depression continues on and on, month after month mainly because of her age and also my reluctance to "write ehr off" based only on that, my feelings, distance, etc... when I sometimes feel like we could be happy....

I don't know.  I always try to feel like there is still hope, but the world looks more depressing to me many days than it did the day before.  I already try to avoid the news.

[kuteness82]

You really do need to talk to your doctor about your eating habits and weight, and start to eat a little more. About the 17 year old, I'd be careful to, she could be younger, so just be safe, I met my boyfriend of 3 years now online, I will be turning 24 on November 5th, and he'll be turning 40 in November also, we have an age difference, but I am legal. I hope you seek some help soon, and get better, best of luck.

[NightOwl]

The problem though is I "have" been seeking help.  I've gone to several psychologists, a psychiatrist, emergency room, etc....  I've talked to many family members day after day trying to get help. I don't know what else to do.  I've read books.  i've taken ativan (lorazepam).

I trust that she is 17.  It's just pretty obvious for several reasons.

I don'tknow.  I am so confused. 

[NightOwl]

This is driving me insane.  I ahve to either come to peace with my relationship or give up and I can't bear the thought of giving up.  I would always feel like I gave up on the person who cares about me all because of my anxiety towards relationships.  I dunno what to do and I doubt meds or CBT will help in that particular decision.    If only she was a year older, it would be quick to find out what to do because 1. she could talk to me any time she wants and 2.  she would meet me.

It's so upsetting that I can't just be peaceful with it all and that I would let myself be this depressed, losing weight, not able to function hardly.... all over a relationship.    Yes part of it is feeling scared no other girl would want me or that I wouldn't ask one out, but it's more than that becuase this girl seems good for me in every way "logically" but my anxiety confuses me on whether I love her or if I just "wish" I did.  But I mean I care about her a lot and want to meet her and I just don't know what my problem is.  I could let myself go so downhill that I don't make it through, all ove tthis 1 issue.  I have MANY other issues, but this was the trigger and continues to be what I think about almost every minute.

[o-ren]

This is a very sensitive and complex issue you got going on Night.  Whatever you choose to do I hope in the end you don't regret it and hope that it works out best for you.   

[NightOwl]

Thanks

The biggest problem is a therapost can't really "know" what is best as fara s relationships (assuming the other isn't abusive) because they can't "know" how each feels.  So how I get through this, I have no clue.  On days that my anxiety is low or gone, I love everything about her, then when it is here, I dont really "feel" anything, I only "think".  So it's very difficult.  I wonder if anything can even possibly help me. 

[o-ren]

I can say from experience that no one this world knows what is best as far as relationships beside yourself.   It is one of those few things that only you can deal with.   When I have trouble concerning my relationships, I mostly take a walk or be in a quiet place for hours and think about what I am suppose to do.  Other than that, I have really no clue how you solve it. 

[NightOwl]

Yeah.  Since my situation is so weird with me not even meeting her yet, that makes it even tougher.  I feel like I can't ever know what to do unless I emet her.  She claims she would feel the same no matter what in person, but who knows. 

What I WISH I could do is just relax, not think about it every second of the day, be happy that she cares about me, and not overthink or think about the future.  But as many people ehre know, not worrying about the future is much easier said than done.

Anyway hopefully I am not annoying people by still whining about my problems.  I just am not strong about this stuff at all.  I've always been depressed, but this is only the second time it';s become major, lasting months.  Last time was when I was broken up with.  And I thought I learned from it, but yet here I am with online relationship problems again.  I am very close to trying meds again becuase it's soooooooo tough for me.  I've never been able to face up to getting a job or other normal life things and I ahve eben living in some fake online world for years.

[GMan86]

Don't worry about annoying anyone with your problems because its not gonna happen on this site. I believe you should seriously consider seeking therapy and by the sounds of it meds can do a whole lot of good for you. It is easy to slip into online/fantasy worlds when you suffer with a disorder. Meds can really help and I hope you do the right thing 

[NightOwl]

Just as an fyi, I just talked to my gf on the phone and felt ok.  See what I mean?  Yesterday I felt terrible on there and like I knew it would never work. Today, I felt decent and like it could work if I would just be brave enough to meet ehr.  This is what makes it so hard.  It's soooooo hard knowing if I am trying to force something that shouldnt be forced or if I am forcing myself to fight anxiety.  Because I can guarantee you eventually I would get this anxious with ANY girl.  However, I sure have not got this bad while IN a relationship before.  This is a prime example of why not to date online.  I hope I remember it.  But I HOPE it turns out that this works out somehow.

For someone like me who has never even been brave enough to go to another city on my own or even to have a job.... I just wonder if any medicine and therapy could even magically be enough for me to just decide hey I will go meet this girl or hey I will go get a job.  I guess this is a prime example of what can happen to people who have everything handed to them basically during their life.  But how it happened doesnt matter now, what matters is how in the world I get through it. And when I feel peaceful with a girl, I finally have zero anxiety.  But somehow I cant get that way right now with this girl.  I know I care about her and I just think anything that is telling me she isnt right for me... is really my perfectionism and thus I fight it, thinking if we met I would be happy.

Oh well, anyway sorry for posting so much.  I just felt like posting about it

Also still not gaining my weight back.  ALthough WHEN I DO start eating, I like the food again and usually eat it easily rather than sitting there taking an hour to chew a bite.  But I just get so depressed and anxious, that I sometimes dont want to go to the trouble to find something to eat.

I am sure most people here would gladly take my problems over their own though.  Hopefully I figure something out soon, becuase I just can't stand it and I am used to being SOMEWHAT happy all the time, with a hint of depression.  Now I just feel depressed 99% of the time. 

[GMan86]

No luck with the meds? It can take a while to find the right one you know.

[NightOwl]

I still haven't tried.  I wanted to try the lexapro as of about 5 days ago, but I want to be sure and take it in the morning, whatever I take, since the last 2 I tried a couple years ago... made me not able to sleep when I took them at bed time.  And there was a reason each day this week I would decide not to.  And also now I have a psychiatrist appointment Monday, so i am wondering if I can wait and then talk to him about whether lexapro is indeed what i should try, ask him what cymbalta really is or if it could help me... because my mom seems to not have many side effects from it so far and I am guessing I would react similar to her since we both had problems on some of the same others really..., plus I am wondering about zoloft since I THINK my insurance would pay for that, but not these others possibly, and I assume these meds would be a LOT per month, even for low doses.

I feel really good right now.  If only I could last with this current feeling forever, I would be fine.  *sigh*

[lilvanillachica1]

im sorry your having such a hard time!! keep trying thats all you can do!! nothing lasts forever thats what i keep telling myself. as for that girl thing legal or not 17 isnt very mature. i was 17 3 years ago so i know what goes through girls heads at that age. dont be fooled. be careful or you could end up hurt!! which only cause more anxiety. you could try match.com or something. do you go to church? theres singles night at almost every one, plus youll get alot of support there too!
online relationships can be tricky too. you never really know whos on the other side. try relationships outside the computer there alot more satisfying!
i hope your feeling better!
courtney