Help! my teenage daughter is depressed

[Jilly]

Hi everyone,
My daughter is 13 (14 next month) and is depressed. She began showing symptoms on and off almost a year ago, and initially I put it down to hormonal changes. Well, now the hormones are in full swing, but the moods, and the crying, and anger etc are getting worse, and arent limited to monthly cycles. she has really low self esteem, and binge eats, so is also gaining weight. she is losing interest in everything.

she regularly has bad days, the last one was Friday last week, then again today. she seems to have a few bad days, then a few good, then a few bad again. Today she had her bag packed ready to run away, She didnt know where she was going, but only that she had to get away. I managed to talk her out of going anywhere, but she is scaring the hell out of me. She hasnt mentioned 0119 at all, but Im scared that its only a matter of time.

I suggested that maybe its time to talk to someone about it, but she flatly refuses. she even pushes me away, and wont talk. she says she doesnt know what is wrong. she is a good student, and bright. She also lives is the shadow of an extremely bright older sister, and no matter how I try to reinforce the things she is good at, she just throws it all back at me.

Im feeling really helpless. This kid needs help, but if I cant get her to go anywhere for help, what do I do?

[apple]

I have never figured out how to help someone who doesnt want it but that is in adults who chose to.  I dont know how to help a teen.  I would suggest talking to your doctor about her.  Maybe there is something you can do for her before she hurts herself.  You could try meds maybe and let her know it would help out the chemicals screwed up from hormone changes.  Maybe let her know she can talk to her doctor not a therapist and see what happens?  Does others in your family suffer depression?  Maybe you could get thru to her by telling her its hereditary but can be managed and that doesnt make her crazy or anything.

Maybe someone else has a better idea?

[pinky5]

Jilly,

Sorry your daughter is having depression, that must be had for you to watch.

Don't want to be an alarmist here, but your daughter's behavior sounds a lot like mine at that age. Do you have any idea what might have triggered this? For me there was death and divorce in my family when I was a little kid. Then when I was 11, a friend's father molested me and I didn't tell anyone, and that really sent me over the edge. I started binge eating and developed bulimia at 13 or 14 which lasted for 10 years. I thought about 0669 often, but couldn't stand the thought of doing that to my sister. I felt a lot of rage and depression, and it just got worse as the years went by.

I really wish that someone would have taken me to a therapist back then, before things got so bad in my late teens.  I know I wouldn't haven't gone willingly, but would have been happy for the help. If you are seeing bad days that are noticable to you, there is a lot more probably going on that you aren't seeing. There are probably a lot more bad days than you think.
Please try to take her to see a therapist, and if you think that she has possibly been molested, make sure it's a woman. Go and talk to the therapist first, because a bad one at this point might convince her that she really doesn't want help. Maybe you could show her this site, because anxiety and depression usually exist in the same person to a certain extent. Knowing that she isn't alone and is not a freak is really important at her age. Do anything you have to, even a bribe to get her to go to that first therapy session.

Rachel

[cheryjeff]

Hi there. I am a therapist and work with teens all of the time. They never want to get help it is not their nature:-) However, when a parent tells me that their child is suffereing and does not want to see a therapist. I ask only one question. Isnt she already asking for help? The parents always ask what I mean by that. Your child is crying out for help and does not want the stigma attached to seeing a therapist. Make an appointment, take her. She will thank you for it later. It really does not matter what she wants. You are her parent, you know she needs help. She can yell and scream and carry on all she wants. Therapists are used to a child that comes in and does not want to talk. We know how to work around that. Do not let your daughter control if she sees a therapist or not....you control it. Good luck and God Bless.
I also know that by reading your post your daugther is crying out for help. She does sound depressed and could benefit from therapy and maybe medication.

[Jilly]

Thanks for your replies everyone.

No there isnt a family history of depression, although there is for anxiety. My other daughter has social anxiety. Im pretty sure there has been no sexual molestation either. She was bullied at school for about three years before I moved both my girls to another school, but she is over weight. Thats why the bullying began.

she finds it hard to find clothes that look good so she could be finding the pressure of having the 'right' look too much. We have been working on her eating more healthy foods, and getting more exercise, but when she gets depressed she eats nothing for hours, then gets so hungry that she overeats.

She constantly seeks my attention, and I make sure that we have plenty of quality time together, however it doesnt seem to help. I am a single parent and we all live with my mother, so there is always a willing ear around when its needed. I think sometimes though, you need someone outside the circle of family and friends to talk to.

She is a lot better today, and has gone to her friends birthday sleepover. she almost decided to not go, but Im glad she did as she will enjoy it.

I will work on getting her to the doctor

Thanks again everyone

[pinky5]

Jilly,

I was just wondering if the daughter that you posted about is the only one in the family that is overweight? Her behavior of not eating when depressed and then eating too much sounds like the pattern of someone who is self medicating with food. When people eat too much there is always an emotional problem underneath driving that behavior. Out of control eating is a cry for help. It's saying "I'm feeling really bad and I don't know what to do to make myself feel better other than eat." People overeat to go numb, to deal with pain. You need to find out what the source of the pain is before she moves on to drugs or alcohol to cope. Eating healthy foods and exercising is a good lifestyle, but unless you deal with the underlying problem, she will continue to overeat, even if she has to sneak food and lie about it.

Cheryl is right about you making the decision to take her to a therapist.

I don't want to harp on this one point, but how are you sure that there has been no molestation? My mother prided herself on knowing her girls really well and she had no idea about what had happened to me. It was only one time for me, but keeping that secret ate away at me and caused all kinds of problems. Your daughter has a secret, if could be all kinds of things, but someone needs to find out what it is and help her.

Rachel