Relationships with someone with GAD

[anx_gf]

Hi everyone,
I'm in relationship with a man that was recently diagnosed with GAD and new to the board, so thanks for letting me crash your site.  I'm hoping this site may offer some insight that I don't get from my boyfriend.  He has struggled with "depression" for years, but some psych tests just showed that his depression is "mild" and within a normal range, while his real issue is severe anxiety.  As someone that has battled my own mental health demons, I've tried to be understanding that sometimes his actions may not reflect his feelings, but its growing harder each day.  Each time something comes up, my boyfriend says its the anxiety that makes him act that way.  I have been letting these things go, hoping that treatment would help.  After a little googling though - I'm not so sure that his behavior is explained by his disorder and I'm hoping you guys may have some insight. 

My bf frequently goes "MIA" for days at a time.  He doesn't answer the phone when we have plans and lately he has been standing me up with an upsetting frequency.  These periods of no contact and stand ups are hard for me.  I try to understand that he's having a hard time, but it hurts to think that he forgets about me.  I have tried to calmly explain how I feel, but every time I tell him that I'm upset, he retracts even further.  He avoids confrontation to the point that he will walk out without a word or not call for days on end. 

It seems like the biggest problem is that his fear of a bad interaction with anyone (me, his parents, etc) prevents him from taking any action when it is necessary.  This inevitably leads to exactly what he was afraid.  The people involved are so upset or hurt, that they are as angry as he feared.  When, if he had addressed the situation as it came, it wouldn't have been an issue at all.  Is this normal behavior for someone with GAD? 

I've tried so hard not take it personally, because I know what its like to battle your own mind, but when he says he's trying and nothing ever changes, it becomes harder and harder to believe. 

Any comments/suggestions would be welcome.  I really care about him and want to be supportive, but I'm beginning to wonder if I'm more of a burden than a help.

Thanks!

[Door]

How long have you been together?  Has he acted this way since you've known him?  His behavior may be more of a reflection of his personality than the severity of his anxiety.

I get the feeling that he is not owning up to his actions or treating you with respect.  He may not be ready to be in a healthy relationship at this time.

Also, you need to be happy.  I know that you are trying to help him but he won't let you.  You can't make him.  If his outbursts are taking too much of a toll on you, consider moving on.  I know you care for him, but he can't drag you down with him. 

YOU ARE NOT A BURDEN.  You've been supportive and helpful.  You've tried to understand.  You've given him many chances.  Standing you up and disappearing for days?  That's not right.  It also does not go hand in hand with anxiety.

Anyway, he may want to see another psychiatrist.  He might not have anxiety.  He might be suffering from something else.

[anx_gf]

Thanks for the response Door. 
We've been together for about 5 months, so we aren't talking about a very long term relationship.  When we got together I knew that he had some emotional problems, but they appeared to be under control and didn't affect our relationship.  For the past 2 months though, things have spiraled out of control.  I guess I've been holding on hoping that the man I loved would resurface when he got treatment.  But it is taking him forever to get his stuff together in terms of doctor's and medicine.  It's seems like he's avoiding it, almost like he likes having an excuse to do anything he wants.   

I think you are right though, I'm not sure he's ready for anything anymore.  And what we have is most definitely not healthy any more.  I still love him, but I guess I have to love myself more.  Maybe if I step back and let him figure it out on his own, we might have a chance later.  If I stick by him much longer, I'll never be able to forgive him (or myself) for treating me this way.