Letter to the me when first developing an eating disorder... *trig, but positive

[sarey]

Dear Sarah,

I am from the future. The future of which I am now having to battle against one of the hardest things I'll ever face in life. A constant battle. One that I may have to fight for the rest of my life. It's against bulimia and anorexia. I'm sure you know what they are, what they can do, that's right... what they can do. They are a disease. A deadly one at that. It will destroy you. It will strip you of your entire life. Do you want that? No. You don't. But, you probably are thinking "it won't happen to me", and you think you'll be able to control it, that you'll be okay, you'll be fine... You're wrong. It will take complete control of you. You will be at the feet of a disorder that can and will kill you any chance it gets.

You do not want to make yourself sick. You do not want to binge until you feel sick. You do not want to starve until you're so dizzy and weak you can hardly stand. You do not want to take laxatives. You do not want to exercise until you can hardly breathe, sweating, and feel so faint. You need to stop, and listen to me.

What good will it do? Purging, you can die everytime you do it. You will strain your heart. You will develop acid reflux disease. You will weaken your muscles. You will burst blood vessels. You will suffer severe consequences. Starving? Do you want cramps so painful you clench your eyes so tightly shut you want to scream in agony because it hurts so much? Do you want to feel so faint, so dizzy, so ill, have your heart race, when all you're doing is standing up, walking? That's because your brain is starved of nutrients, your heart is starved too. Your body is being starved of food, the thing is needs to survive... You don't want to die, You want to live... You're just struggling, and this is not the way to go about it.

You will end up worse than when you started, because you have another disorder ontop of everything else. You don't need that. You don't need any of that. This disorder will twist, and turn, and devour your soul. It will poison it. It will taunt you constantly. It will always be there. Haunting you. The thoughts are endless, destroying. The feelings are hell... lonliness, frustration, confusion, you will feel so much because you will feel so lost and so alone with it. You'll feel like the whole world is against you. Like no one cares, no one loves you, no one can save you...

You can. Right now. Save yourself. Do not go down this path. Get help, speak out... before it's too late...

It's not worth it. It's not worth your life. None of this is. All it will do, is add to the agony, the suffering, the difficulties in life... you've experienced more evil in this world than good... and you feel alone already... you feel mad at this world... you feel desperate for someone to come and save you... you feel lost... you feel hurt... abandoned... so much, but the eating disorder will only grow those feelings, distort your mind, and steal your life from you...

Please, get help for it. Tell mum, tell Belinder, tell the psychologist, tell the social worker, tell someone... Get help... You need to get help... You'll regret it. I know you will. Because I do. I wish I could have reached out, and you can... you just need that push... that confidence... and here it is...

Tell someone, and life could be so much better than it is, than it could be...

From,
Sarah.

[abeja_reina_1989]

Wow! I'm wondering.. how are you doing since writing this post? I hope things are going better. I've starved myself before, but never to the extent that you have.. I know what you're going through. It's hard, I know you feel alone, but you can get through this. Do you talk to anyone about it? A therapist? A friend..

[sarey]

Hi there.

Well I fell ill last December (unrelated, but the ED is making it worse - possible CFS, Seeing a CFS Nurse soon) and ever since then, I've been trying to recover. I have very recently also been told my heart, brain and ovaries are shrinking, and I HAVE to recover... so I am trying very hard right now because my health is already on the line, but now it is more so on the line.

I have had an Eating Disorder since 2005, around that time. I've gone through binging, purging, starving, restricting, excessive exercise, laxatives, many behaviors. This disease/illness is so deceiving, and it is a huge difficulty of mine. It has affected me both mentally and physically, and continues to.

I see a psych, recently started going back, and she wants to get me "healthier" and then we can work on other issues(I have many other difficulties going on), but she said I'm too weak for medication, too weak for college, my body is too weak and unwell(not just related to my ED, but the *possible* CFS), and the ED is making the (possible) CFS worse.  So... I need to try really hard to keep recovering and keep going at it.

Thank you for caring, and asking. I appreciate it.

Don't ever go down this road. It's... just... hell.

Take care.
 

[abeja_reina_1989]

I've been away for a while.

I hope things are going better for you!