Hey, Im new

[Steve23]

Hey

I just come across this forum, and decided to post. Ive had OCD for since I was a kid (Im 24 now), been a long time! The past four years has been a bit of a struggle with health and sexual obsessions, and I unfortunately turned to alcoholism and drugs. I am clean now, but probably feeling worse than ever.I had to leave university to work full time and have a hard time sleeping. I get a little tired of OCD dominating many parts of my life.

It would be good to hear from others in the same boat or similar experiences, particulary people from the UK (if there are any Brits on here).

Steve

[pinky5]

Steve23,

 

Well I'm not a Brit, but thought I would say hello anyway.

Congratulations on getting clean! You're definitely not alone in turning to alcohol and drugs to self medicate for anxiety. Sometimes when you don't know how else to help yourself, it's the only thing that makes sense at the time. I had OCD tendencies as well as panic attacks when I was a kid, so I know what you're talking about. Not much fun to live with, but you can get better. Hope you find some comfort here, I know I have.

Rachel   

[Steve23]

Hey Rachel

Thanks for replying, and thanks for the welcome! 

Been a bit tough getting clean, but I made it finally. You know, its weird, I feel almost as much anxiety posting on here as I do meeting people in real life. Sorry about the Brit thing (no offence intended to anyway outside miserable England), Ive just never met that many fellow Brits with OCD. The attitude in this country towards it doesnt exactly help either.

Where you from Rach?

Steve

[pinky5]

Steve,

I'm from the west coast of Canada, but I did live in England for a few months when I was a little kid. I come from a long line of Brits myself, so I think I might know what you're talking about when you say the attitude over there towards anxiety doesn't help.

You're not alone in feeling anxiety about posting. I felt that way at first a bit. What should I say? What if someone thinks my posts are ridiculous? I've only been here for about a month and a half and have been posting up a storm. It feels really good just to let some of the things in your head out. Just start typing and don't worry about what people will think. For every strange thing you share here, there is someone who can relate to it.  If you use this as an outlet it will probably help you stay clean. You probably have a lot to share that will really help someone.

Rachel     

[Janey]

Hey Steve23,

You are not alone. I Suffer OCD. In fact i just had a bad moment myself, i was walking through a bit of grass and got some dew on my foot and freaked out, i have spent the last 15 minutes in the shower scrubbing my feet!!

You are not alone and anytime you doubt that, you need to come here.  I feel I can vent here as much as i want and say whatever i want without anyone judging me.

Whenever you feel bad or you have a bad thought, come here and share it with us cause every single person here understands what you are going through and we can truly relate to you.

Welcome!!

Janey

[Steve23]

Thanks guys

Canada? Cool, I have some family over in Toronto. Planning to go and visit next year if I save up enough money. They'll probably have to knock me out to get me on a plane, though. You summed exactly what I was feeling about posting. Ive read a few posts here though and it never ceases to amaze me how much people with OCD have in common with each other.

I know what you mean, Janey. Everytime someone brushes pass me in public I think Im gonna contract HIV, or anthrax, or ebola, etc (you name it, I think I'll get it). Its crazy, I know. Then a trip to bathroom sink is in order, even though you know there is no possible way any harm could have come to you... the joys of OCD, eh?. 

Thanks very much to both of you though for making me feel welcome. Hope both of you are well.

Steve

[pinky5]

Steve,

Luckily if you are travelling this way the pound (or euro I guess it is now) is working in your favor. I have a sister that lives in England and every time she comes home she turns into a mad shopper because things are so much cheaper here.

I know what you mean about the flight, I am a little claustrophobic and have had a few funny and embarrassing moments stampeding out of crowded elevators etc while trying to overcome this fear. Once I just about knocked over someone's baby buggy while rushing out of an elevator. Tough to look cool.

Rachel     

[pinky5]

Steve,

If you are flying to Canada check out www.canadianaffair.com. My sister comes home every year and usually books flights through them because they have good deals.

Rachel

[Janey]

Steve23,

I know the feeling of having to clean myself after brushing past someone or something!! It's so frustrating!! I even clean the bottom of my shoes!! My hands get dry from washing them so much.

I know it's something medication cannot fix. I think i have put off going to see someone as well cause i am embarrassed of my situation. I know when peeple hear the work "obssessive compulsive" or any other names on this forum, they think weirdos.

I am worried also that people at work are catching onto me and i amso worried of them finding out. Do most people around you know?

Janey

[Steve23]

Hey

Toronto for £99! Thats cheap... some flights around Europe cost almost as much as that. Thanks Rach. Its just getting me on the plane. I'd delay the flight for hours checking the landing gear and searching for any cracks in the windows. I could manage a boat to Canada, solely because I can swim. If anything goes wrong on a plane, I cant fly, and thats what scares me.  I would definately not look cool on a plane. When it comes to aircraft and being a man or a mouse, I would have no shame in being a mouse.

Its still the pound over here, fortunately. I cant work out those damn euros.

Janey

Yeah, unfortunately meds only do so much for some of us, I think. Took me ages to realize that. I was embarassed for the longest time about my OCD, but now I like to think I can laugh about it, even though it does still bug me a lot. Its never as bad as you think though, the therapists and psychiatrists Ive met so far have been quite understanding and friendly. I guess they've seen it all before, and no matter how crazy you think you are, they've seen people that are a million times worse. My family and close friends know, and I openly discuss it with them. People have caught me out before on it, and have caught me doing weird stuff, and given me strange looks (at work and other places). I just try and take the "you want a picture?" attitude. 

Steve

[pinky5]

Steve,

I have a hard time flying too, but everytime I have I feel like it's a major victory. I just sit close to the front of the plane, just in front of the wing (heard somewhere the wing section is the strongest, in case the plane gets ripped apart for some reason) For me I'm not so worried about the plane going down as I am about the whole being confined for X number of hours. I figure if the plane does crash there probably won't be much to worry about anyway. I came to the conclusion that I would rather risk dying in a plane crash than be too afraid to fly. I want to go on vacations and I'm not going to let my anxiety take that away from me. I just accept the fact that I'm going to feel nervous and try to breath and remember that there are many other people on the plane feeling the same way. Even my sister who usually flies several times a year still feels nervous.

I read something a few years ago that really stuck with me. "People aren't afraid to die, they are afraid to live." I think that is particularly true with anxiety sufferers. There is just a point with your anxiety that you get to where you think that you'd rather have whatever you are afraid of happen and just deal with it than live your whole life avoiding things.

There are lots of men who are really afraid to fly. I was on a 12 hour flight back from Hong Kong and was seated next to a huge football player. He must have taken something really strong, because he was basically unconscious for the whole flight. Too bad he had the isle seat because I had to climb over him everytime I needed to go to the bathroom.

You can do it!

Rachel             

[Steve23]

Cheers Rach. "People aren't afraid to die, they are afraid to live."

I think this is true also. Thanks to OCD and my own irrational concerns, and my own mistakes, I feel Ive missed out a lot on life, especially my teenage years. Many of my friends have been travelling, for example. Ive only made it as far as London (only 60 miles from where I live, a little pathetic). My grandmother has had OCD all her life, and even she managed the trip across the Atlantic. But she still regrets not seeing more of the world, and always tells me to do it while Im young and a free spirit.

I will make that flight someday... Canada sounds too cool to miss, and I have cousins and in laws Ive never met. They all assure me that the women love British accents over there. Im sure I dont know what Im missing.  Always wanted to see Niagra and the Rockies as well.

I just find it quite hard as far as anxiety goes sometimes. I feel now and then its not so much the OCD, but pure anxiety. I had a routine medical today (I have them every 6 months as part of my job, I'm a train conductor), and my blood pressure and pulse was abnormally high for a 24 year old. Im sure it was anxiety due to getting on the subway in London that freaked me out a little. I couldnt stop thinking about the subway bombings a couple of years ago (but then again, that scared the hell out of everyone). Its weird, because Ive always had OCD, but the chronic anxiety is only something that has started this year.

I think I need whatever that huge football player was taking! Hope you are well.

Steve

[Janey]

Thanks Steve23!!

That makes alot of sense and that's the attitude I am starting to take towards people. I like to think of it as a good thing in certain situatins. My GP tells me that alot of employees love people with OCD as they are very particular with their work.

I am gettig to the point where i am not going to let it ruin my life and worry about what people think of me.  If they find out, they find out.

By the way all women love the british accent!! lol And the british seem to have a wicked sense of humor!! I have made a friend who has just moved here from england. :lachen001:

[pinky5]

Steve,

I know what you mean, I have missed out a lot on life because of this anxiety too. I have also made myself do some things that I was really scared to do and it has helped. Such as go to Hong Kong. I was really afraid to go that far from home, was afraid that I would have a complete meltdown once I got there (so I bought lots of health insurance before I went) I was 19 when I went and had an older boyfriend that went too. A funny thing happened when I got there. I left my purse in the taxi that we caught from the airport. We just had carried cash, no travelers checks, so all our money was gone along with the return airline tickets all of my ID and most of his. I can't even tell you what that moment of panic was like when I realized that everything was gone. But I survived! Once you've been through something like that you know that you're strong and you're never going to realize how strong you are until you test yourself and push yourself. We had gone there on a bit of a shoestring to see if we could open up a import/export business and had only planned to be there for 2 weeks. We didn't have much money left at home and no credit cards to buy more airline tickets home. So we had to fight with the airline to replace our tickets, while trying to deal with the Canadian Consulate to have our ID replaced. We were stuck there for 2 1/2 months surviving on money family members could send us and not having  enough to eat sometimes. I was a little chubby at the time so this might have been a good thing for me.
I look back on this now as one of the best experiences of my life, even though it was a disaster at the time. It really made me believe in myself that I could survive the bad times. Makes for a pretty good story. You'll never regret the places you go and the things that you try. Maybe you could try just a short hop within England. That way if you decide you can't get on the plane on the way home, you could just hop the train. (you probably get a good discount)

By the way, it's not pathetic that you have only been to London, lots of people haven't travelled much. No one says you have to travel, it's just if you want to.

Rachel

[pinky5]

Steve,

Hello again,

I had more to say in that last post, but my session was about to time out.

You were saying about the OCD verses just pure anxiety. I'm no doctor or therapist, but I believe that it's all really the same thing showing up in different ways. The feelings of anxiety are unmanageable, so they show up in little behaviors that you can recognize as more manageable, such as OCD or worrying about your health etc. or you channel them through things like eating or drinking too much or in my case bulimia and all of the above. It's all just the anxiety. I know for me I don't try to put a label on it so much as just think "Oh here's my old buddy anxiety back again" It just shows up all over the place. If you expect this and don't think that your anxiety is limited to specific situations or specific types of anxiety you can start to deal with it at its source. All these specific phobias are just a distraction made up by your mind. I never realized how many different types of anxiety symptoms I experienced until I started reading posts by people with "types" of anxiety that I didn't think appled to me. I'm not belittling what they are going through, it's just that I really believe all anxiety is the same.

Feel like I'm going on a bit this morning. No more coffee for me!!

Hope you have had  a good day. Hugs!

Rachel

[Steve23]

Hey

No, you werent rambling Rach.  I know what you mean, now the booze is gone coffee is my new nectar of the Gods as well.

Hong Kong was very brave of you! I think something like that would do me good, you know. Like you have no choice but to deal with it, and theres no opportunity to run away somewhere. I always find that I get nervous about situations (like getting the subway to London, for example), but once I actually do it I come out feeling great about it. You are quite right. I really do want to travel. Theres too much world to miss out there. A mate of mine just got back from Australia and had the best time. I was seething with jealously.

Sorry to hear about your bulimia, thats tough. My mum was anorexic, which I know is different, but runs along the same lines, and I saw what it did to her. How are you doing with that now? (if you dont mind me asking?)

My doc was saying the same thing about anxiety... that it just manifests in different forms depending on the individual. I think its quite true. I look at my family and we all seem to be quite anxious people. My grandmother has always had GAD, my younger sister is very borderline OCD. I think I got the raw end of the deal when it came to genetics in my family.  I noticed the same thing with "other" anxiety symptoms when I started getting panic attacks, and migraines, and horrible aches and pains that couldnt be explained. I know they are not generally associated with OCD, but so many obsessives seem to experience them. And I do notice that when I feel under pressure or stressed out, as everybody does, my OCD starts getting worse, almost like a coping mechanism if you will. Maybe you should be a therapist or a doc Rach, you seem to know what you're talking about. Hey, one "proffesional" tried telling me I was psychotic (because I was using drugs at the time, I think) before I was rediagnosed with OCD. I might take worrying to a new level of perfection, but I've never seen giant pink rabbits or had conversations with Elvis. Coincidently enough, for a while after I went through that whole schizophrenic obsession that a lot of OCD'ers have. It took me a while to realize that if you had schizophrenia you probably wouldnt know about it, and if you did, there wasnt a lot you could do anyway.

Been nice chatting again Rach, good day to you as well.

Steve

[Steve23]

You're welcome Janey.

Thats good to hear. After all, what to do other people know anyway? They'll never approach the pinnacle of intelligence (and sheer good looks) that obsessives compulsives do. 

Thats true, I always found my OCD helped me out a lot at school and college. If one thing, its makes you very conscientious and drives you forward sometimes. It makes sense when they think that people like Charles Darwin and that Tesla guy had OCD.

Haha, I never really saw myself as God's gift to women, but being British, I guess its just something I'll have to accept, right?  :lachen001:

Steve

[pinky5]

Steve,

It's true, once you take a trip and you're away from home, you just rise to the occasion because you have to. When I lost everything in Hong Kong, I had a good cry, but not for long, because I was too worried about what I had to do to get out of the situation. I realized surprised myself. I notice now that the more I travel the less of a big deal it seems like. If it's been a while since I've flown somewhere, I'm really nervous and scared.You're right though, once you do something, you feel so great about it. For a while when I was going to my last therapist I decided that I would do one thing a day that either I had been putting off, or that I was afraid to do. It really made me feel great to be facing my fears, and I got a lot done in a short amount of time. Must get back to that habit.

Thanks for asking about the bulimia and I'm sorry to hear about your mum with anorexia. How is she now? I have been mostly better for about 10 years now. I don't throw up anymore, but I still tend to be an emotional eater, especially when stressed and I still have some weight that I need to lose. Making progress though. I just consider myself a work in progress and try to continue to improve and not get discouraged.

Rachel

[Steve23]

Rach

Thats a good idea, setting a goal each day. The first thing on my list would be to give up smoking. Its the one addiction Ive consistently failed to quit. I get a little annoyed with those well balanced people that can smoke once in a blue moon and ocaasionally drink to health. My impulse control sucks. I have felt better lately though. Ive been doing a training course for my job which requires me to go up to London a few times a week, so Ive been getting lost, wandering around aimlessly, trying to work out where Im going, etc. And I hate London, its the worst place this side of Beirut, as the saying goes. Its improving my confidence though.

Glad you're doing better bulimia wise.  My mum is ok now thanks, she eats healthy (loves her food these days). Unfortunately it damaged her quite a bit, as she was a drinker as well while going through anorexia, and she battled it for quite a few years, so she has permanent low blood pressure and difficulty putting on weight. I nag her all the time about smoking (hypocritical, I know), but its not good for anyone, especially her. I really admire her though, coming through the to other side of something like that, and she takes it all in her stride. Haha, she was almost kinda happy when I was diagnosed with OCD. I think she got tired of always being referred to as the crazy one in the family. Her sense of humour got me through some tough times.

I wouldnt worry, I guess you could class me as an emotional eater as well. Especially when I was drinking, as you tend to eat a lot more. I used to be quite athletic after I left school, played a lot of football. I didnt realize how much weight I put on until I quit the booze (I guess you dont). I get a bit self conscious about it... everyone tells me that Im far from being Donut Boy, but Im afraid the sexy muscle tone has gone forever. I always had a touch of body dysmorphism along with my OCD, and was always quite active younger years, so it bothers me a bit. I really wanna get back into sport, as soon as I can run a few yards without collapsing with chest pains.

If I'm a work in progress, I guess theres a Micheangelo's David under this unsightly beer belly.

Steve

[pinky5]

Steve,

Giving up on smoking is a tough one for a lot of people. Maybe you can start with smaller things if you're going to try the doing one thing you've been putting off or are scared to do a day. I remember reading a book called "Changing For Good" and in that book the authors mapped out the cycles that someone goes through when they are getting ready to make a particular change in their life or behavior. They said that it often takes several warm up efforts before a person is finally able to make a permanent change. So if it takes numerous efforts to quit smoking, don't beat yourself up when you start again, just congratulate yourself for whatever amount of time you have been able to not smoke, even if it's just a few hours, or is just cutting down.

I don't know if you've ever read any of Deepak Chopra's books, but he has a very interesting view on addictions. He believes that when a greater source of pleasure is found, the addiction just naturally just drops away. His view is very different from the traditional western way of looking at addictions, such as the monkey is always on your back. When I first read his beliefs about addictions it just seemed like so much better of a way to look at it. I never wanted to believe that once an addict, always an addict. It never felt right to me, but I'd never heard of any alternative beliefs. He said that you just have to get back to the essential you, the one that was there before the addiction came along. All you have to do is just go back to yourself as you originally were.

Don't worry about the tummy, one thing at a time!

Rachel     

[Steve23]

Hey Rach

Deepak Chopra is a name I have heard of, but I'm not familar with his stuff, its something I'll have to look into. I know what you mean... a lot of alternative views are quite interesting and make more sense at times that traditional Western ones. My therpaist gave me a Buddhist/Hindu orientated book to read when we were covering "mindfulness" in CBT, it was all about how most modern psychotherapy, especially CBT, was devised centuries ago and influenced by a lot of ancient thinkers, and how all the mental afflictions, addictions, and so on, and the way our feelings worked, were first realized back then. Its good stuff (clever man, that Buddha guy, I bet he never had a smoking problem). Its just nowadays we have fancy names for all these things like "therapy".

The problem is, I am so forgetful and I cant remember where exactly I left my former self.  And worse, I dont think it was all in the same place.

The smoking is not going too well. The more I try to give up, the more I seem to smoke. I'm gonna try and lie to myself and pretend I am not giving up, maybe that'll work.

Hope all is OCD free in Canada

Steve