My name is Melissa, and this is my story....

[f1renl1ghtn1ng]

I will be 27 next month. I was born and raised in a small town in Berks County, PA. If you'd meet my family, you'd think everything is normal, but it isn't. Growing up, I was sick a lot, from allergies and different things. I had a few close friends and a bunch of acquaintances. My family was never good at communication. My father lost his mother when he was 10 or 11, and didn't really tell me he loved me unless I said it first. If you were talking about something that was bothering you for too long, someone in the family would tell you to "stop dwelling on it". My mom has epilepsy from a birth accident. She doesn't understand things like normal adults do. If you try to explain something to her, she gets mad right away. She also doesn't know how to give people space.

When I was a kid, I had problems with depression. I used to scratch my skin until I bled. I would get scabs, and pick them off. It went on for a while. My fifth grade teacher talked to my parents about it. They took me to the doctor, who put me on medication to help with my self-mutilation. I took it for a while and then stopped. My picking stopped. I have many scars all over my body from it.

When I was in high school, I learned that my neighbor was a pervert. He used to talk dirty to me and touch me when nobody was looking. I went to get help from the guidance counselor at school. She called my parents and told them she wouldn't report him to the police, that she'd let them handle it. My parents spoke to my grandparents. Nothing was done about it because they claimed that that's just how he is. So I stopped being near him when I had to see him. I also warned my young cousin about him, so the same thing wouldn't happen to her.

The April before I graduated from high school, I was in a car accident. My dad's car was rear ended. He had an older car, so there was no shoulder harness. I whip lashed and got a huge lump on my head from hitting the back windshield. I got crappy care at the hospital, where they did no tests on me at all. I kept having these horrible migraines. My parents had a graduation party for me, where I started showing signs of seizures. My eyes started rolling up into my head. The lump from my accident wasn't going down. My mom took me to her doctor. She also didn't run any tests on me. She told me that the lump from the injury was a calcium deposit and it would go away (I still have it.). My dad took me to his doctor, who ran an EEG and a MRI. The MRI came back normal, but the EEG didn't. I was also having seizures that caused me to not be able to move, my body locked up, uncontrollable shaking and spasms, the inability to speak, and amnesia. My dad's doctor advised me to see a neurologist. I went to my mom's because he's known my family since before I was born. He sent me to different doctors, one of which put me in the hospital for a video EEG. I was in the hospital for 3 days for it. He told me I had PTSD. Then, my dad's car insurance and the guy that hit us insurance were fighting over who would pay my hospital bills. They had some doctor that had never seen me tell my parents that I needed a psychological evaluation. The doctor that did it said that I have an anxiety problem and that my seizures are my body's defense mechanism for stress. After having me on several medications for seizures that didn't work, or in some cases, made them worse, my mom's neurologist told me he couldn't help me. So I just had to deal with it. It was very hard to deal with going to college and working with the seizures. I couldn't function with them. I took a leave of absence from college, and ended up dropping out because I couldn't finish all of the requirements to graduate.

While I was in college, I met a guy. We got very close very quickly. He moved into my house shortly after we started dating. My family nor my friends liked him. My father used to fight with him a lot. He was sometimes physically abusive and most of the time emotionally abusive. My now ex picked me and my mom up from work one night, and came home to a dark house. My mom was turning lights on as she went through the house. She screamed when she went into her bedroom. I was behind her. There was blood all over my parents bed. I turned around and went into the living room, to find my father covered in blood. I honestly thought he was dead. He had shot himself in the chin with his .22. He had cut the phone line so we couldn't call for help. He had tried to kill himself, but failed. My ex ran over to my grandparents house, which is next door, to call 911. The first people to respond were the news reporters. The state trooper asked my ex if he shot my dad, which he obviously hadn't. The first time I saw my dad in the hospital, I almost passed out. My father was a diabetic and the gunshot made his diabetes progress faster. He lived through it.

I couldn't live in my parents house much longer. My ex and I moved in with his mom and his sister and her 2 kids. Biggest mistake of my life... My ex and I had changed into an off and on relationship. I became the only one working and had to support the entire house on my salary (at one point, there were 7 of us). My ex's mom used to take my entire paycheck. I was lucky when I was working a lot because then I'd have more money and I would get an allowance. His mom used to get food stamps and buy food for the house. She had a rule that if you didn't buy it, don't touch it. I had no money and wasn't allowed to eat, except for a small plate at dinner. During a time when my ex and I were close, we conceived our son. During my pregnancy, the food rule was still in place. I was lucky to work in a restaurant where I could eat whatever I wanted while I was working. My ex was in and out of jail and halfway houses and was released shortly before our son was born. I changed jobs shortly after my son was born because I wasn't earning enough money. I came home from work one day to find that my ex had took my son out of state to Alabama to be with some girl he had met on-line. He told me that I would never see my son again. I missed his first Christmas. My ex came back with his girlfriend and my son because his mother begged him to because her house was robbed. My ex's biggest mistake was introducing me to his girlfriend. We became instant friends and are very close even today. She stayed with us in his mom's house until none of us could take it anymore. She invited me to move to Alabama with them so I wouldn't have to leave my son. The four of us (my ex, his girlfriend, my son, and me) lived together for over a year. We had our ups and downs, but most of them were because of my ex. My ex and his girlfriend got married. The marriage wasn't working. She told me that she planned to throw him out. I made her promise me that she wouldn't let him take my son. She kept the promise. They were both arrested for domestic violence, but we bailed her out. My son has not seen his father in person since he was a year old. He is now 4.

During my time in Alabama, I visited my dad in PA because he was sick in the hospital. He was having trouble with kidney dialysis catheters that caused enough problems for the doctors to remove his left leg above the knee. A few months later, I was called to be told that my dad wasn't going to make it through the night. I got on the first plane to PA. When I arrived at the hospital, I found out that my dad's right arm was amputated. I think there was some infection and that's why it was removed, but I'm not sure. I was told that my dad was complaining about pain in that arm for two weeks and was ignored until they decided to remove it. He died two days after I got back to PA. I stayed with my mom for about a month after my dad died to help her out, but then went back to Alabama.

Shortly after that, I learned that my grandmother (my mom's mom) had something wrong with her, but they didn't know what. I knew I had to move back. I told my best friend and her family, that are so wonderful to me and my son, that I had to come back. My grandmother took care of everyone but herself. She was hardly ever sick, so we knew this was something serious. I hated having to leave my new family, but I had to because Nanny needed me. Soon after we got up here, my grandmother got her diagnosis of pancreatic cancer. She was in the hospital and in a lot of pain. She couldn't eat or drink hardly anything. They gave her a round of chemo, which just made her a lot weaker. We brought her back home. The doctors told her she had 6 months and she died 3 weeks later. My 3 cousins and I all served as pallbearers for her funeral. We miss them both very much.

During the time I lived with my ex's mom, my seizures decreased some. When I lived in Alabama, they were almost nonexistent for a while. The only time I have been medicated for them, I've lived in my parents house. I have been on at least a dozen different medications. There are so many, I can't remember them all. Since I've moved back to PA when my grandmother got sick, I've lived with my mother. We fight daily. She is mean to me and my son. I have told her about it. My therapist knows about it. I'm afraid that if child services finds out, they will take him from me. I don't know what I'd do if I lost him again.

My ex has tried to control me since he is out of our son's life. He had threatened me to go to court for custody. His problem is that he likes to run his mouth and that's it. I got a lawyer and sued him for full custody. I won. I sued him for support. He isn't working. He also has 2 other kids he doesn't support either that aren't mine. I'm not afraid of him anymore.

The thing that I hate the most about PTSD is that not many people understand it. I want to learn as much as I can about it. I have family members that think that I fake my seizures to draw attention to myself. Just because they don't get to see me have them every day doesn't mean they don't exist. The sad thing about my family is that most of them are selfish. If you aren't doing something to benefit them, then they have to talk about you behind your back. But, anyway... I think I'm done telling my story, at least that was the short version.... If you have any questions, please ask...  I would appreciate any advice you can give me...

[sixpack]

Hi fire...  it is nice to meet you and welcome to the ZONE

You certainly have had a life haven't you???  It's amazing that you lived to tell the tale, so to speak

I've never heard of PTSD causing organic seizures.  My eldest daughter has a seizure disorder due to her brain malformation.  She has a number of different types of seizures---complex partials, tonic-clonic, tonic, atonic (those are scary).  She is presently on 3 anti-seizure meds.  They control most seizures.  She still has complex partials.  I'd say 3-4 a month.  So the fact that AEDs didn't stop the seizures doesn't mean that a combo of them wouldn't work.  There is such a disorder called psychogenic seizures.  People with anxiety or possibly PTSD could have these.  The difference here is that they would not show up on an EEG.  You mentioned that your EEG was abnormal.  By that I assume they meant it showed seizure activity in atleast one part of the brain. Psychogenic seizures are true enough seizures but they are not caused by the neurons miss firing as in a typical seizure disorder.  They are caused by a psychological disorder---anxiety and PTSD are psychological.   I'm sorry you had a neuro that said he couldn't help you.  There are definitely good neuros and bad neuros.  Some neuros are used to textbook cases and just can't think outside of the box.  Over the years my daughter has had only one bad neuro.  I fired her and moved on.  Her present neuro is wonderful.  So you may need to shop around for a good neuro.

I think you believe that the car accident started the seizures?  That could certainly be the case.  Head trauma can cause people to have seizures.   

Are you still having seizures?  If so, I think the first order of business is to get that under control.  There is also a doc called neuro-psychologist.  They work with folks and see how well there neurons are working to help with thinking and cognition and that sort of thing.  Then perhaps once you get all of those things in order, you could look for a regular ole counselor to help you work through, what seems to be a lot of family issues.

I'm sorry you've had to deal with so much in your life.  But you'll make it through, you have to, you have a little guy that needs you. 

[f1renl1ghtn1ng]

Thank you for the warm welcome! 

I know I've led a rather interesting life, with as eventful as it is... I keep telling people it would make for a good Jerry Springer show. Most people still don't understand that lived with my ex and his wife. I tell them that you can't judge what you don't understand. I'm glad that my ex introduced us because she is my best friend and I love her to death. Actually, after he was evicted from the house, she told me that the only reason she married him was so that my son and I wouldn't be out of her life... Talk about sacrifice!!!

I currently see a psychiatrist and talk to a counselor in the same office. But, today I was called by the office and told that my therapist isn't there anymore, so now I have to get comfortable with a new therapist. I'm not looking forward to that because I don't trust people easily, given what has happened. I forgot to mention in my post that less than a week before I got on the plane to PA, my roommate (a now former friend of my best friend) raped me. He figured the only way for me to feel better about my father dying was by having sex... I was so terrified to tell anyone, even my best friend, that I waited until I was about to come back to Alabama.

As far as the accident, I was told that I had brain damage by the doctor that did the psychiatric evaluation. I don't remember all of the details that he told me, though. I have to look around to see if my insurance would cover a neuro-psychologist. I don't even know if there are any in my area. My options are limited right now because I'm on welfare insurance until I get on Social Security. I won't know if I get it until September because that's when my hearing is.

I also need to find a new psychiatrist. I keep telling him that the medications he has me on aren't working. When I tell him they don't help, he just ups the dosage or nothing at all. I'm currently on Cymbalta, Wellbutrin, and Lorazepam. It's very frustrating, especially when the help in his office constantly misplaces my file. One visit about a month ago, he asked me to count how many Klonopins I had left in case he had to write me a new script, when he'd taken me off of them months ago. I have also take Abilify. That stuff just made things worse... I couldn't see straight when I was taking it!

I think that if I could find a way to get my seizures under control that life would be a lot easier for all of us. I hate the fact that sometimes during my seizures, I can still hear what's going on around me. Most times after the seizure is over, I forget, though. I really hate when they happen when my son is in the room and my eyes roll back and I can't move and hear my son say "Mommy's dead". I'm terrified that when he sees me have them it will screw him up. I want the best for my son and I can't even take control over my own issues. I'm just lucky that I have a great boyfriend that my son looks to as a father.