Always afriad

[NeedAnswers]

   Hey everyone.
       I'm new to this forum and, well, I need answers (as you can tell from my name). I used to think I suffered from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, or OCD, as a result from another health site forumer's unofficial diagnoses. Over the years, I have been able to fabricate how my abnormalties take place. Basically, it's like this: I think a scary or unwanted thought (of something happening to me, me doing something, me becoming something I don't want to be, etc.) and I just panic about. After reading up on some of these anxiety disorders, I do believe I have GAD and possibly social anxiety disorder as I do refrain from going to a store or making a phone call as a result of fear from social situations.
      As I stated before, I used to think I had OCD. Honestly, I think I really did. I used to have to walk out of my room with the right foot first, flicker the lights a couple of times, walk of the bus with the right foot, brush my teeth before I take a shower, etc. I am a high school student, and unknowingly what to do, I went to my high school guidance counselor. He told me that there were treatments, both physical medicine and group therapy. He also told me I should tell my parents.
      I did tell my parents and as it turned out, they laughed. It turned out to be more of an embarrasing situation. Yes, they care for me, but they know (to some extent) that I get nervous for no reason. So, I tried, with somewhat of a success, to cure myself. Whenever I had the urge to complete these rituals, I just didn't. After months, my OCD symptoms seemed to vanish little by little. However, I still had these compulsions in which I would hit my head, or even after long instances...yell or cry, to make a terrifying thought dissapear. Some last four weeks and go away then come back later. Some last for years and never go away.
      Back then it seemed like OCD covered all these symptoms. Now, however, it seems like GAD takes takes a better fit. I feel uncomfortable sharing exactly the thoughts I suffer from but I will: Once I thought about how horrible it would be if someone harmed someone...then I thought about what it would be like if I harmed someone, till today I worry that I will in some way physically injure or harm someone. People calling each other "gay" is a common teen let-down. However, I once thought as I'm sure many people normally (at least once) do, am I a homosexual? From that moment I couldn't let it go. I kept having fears that I would become gay: I began blushing at men and so on. I can now tell you with certainty that I am not a homosexual as I have sexual desires for women and not for men, but sometimes this anxiety comes back. After seeing a horror movie preview(that to my luck said, "Based on a true story"), I've recently been worried about a demon taking over my body or making attempts to bring me away from God. I must admit, I'm not a devout religious person but at most points I do believe God exists and this anti-Christ thing really freaks me out! I tried to stop the compulsions but sometimes I still hit my head when these thoughts come through hard. I'm always worring about grabbing the scizzors in my sleep and stabbing someone. Unfortunately, even though I am a senior, I've never had a girlfriend. I'm not quite attractive and I do have a wild case of acne. I also may have problems meeting a girl because of the social anxiety symptons I explained earlier. This doesn't help defending myself about not being gay when arguing against the other side of my brain.
      When having these thoughts, I do believe I receive panic attacks. I do feel tingly and my stomach curls up into a knot. Sometimes a headache is possible. It hardly ever leaves my mind.
      Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and I hope you have advice for me.
     

[Goober1312]

Hello,
I am new here too and I don't have all the answers to your problems by any means. But I hope that I can make you feel a little better.
From what I understand (and I may be wrong) anxiety disorders and OCD can overlap. It sounds like you may have some of both. Your anxiety and compulsions seem to be related.
First, I would go back to your counselor and ask him for information about counseling for teenagers or young adults - I would think your school would keep some info on free or low cost counseling programs. This would give you someone to talk to/ask questions to. If your school has no info, look around for some info online or through a hospital, doctor's office, etc. - there has to be something. FYI, based on my own personal experience, some psychologists didn't help me much. It may be different for you, but I felt they had thier own ideas about how to make you feel better, and they don't really listen to you when you tell them it's not working. This obviously doesn't apply to all psychologists, but that's been my experience. I always ended up feeling like they were writing me off as "cured" when I didn't feel a bit better. If you find this is true for you too, find a psychiatrist or even a medical doctor who is especially willing to listen.
Next, I would try to find some books, CDs, videos, etc. at the public library so you can start learning to help yourself feel better. I picked through about fifty books on anxiety before I found a few that really made me feel better. One book I reccomend is "Devil in the Details" by Jennifer Traig. It is about her experience with OCD when she was growing up, and it's very funny and insightful. Some of the aspects of OCD you mentioned are covered very well in this book, but it's done in more of a lighthearted way rather than "self help" way - it kind of forced me to not take things so seriously.
As far as all your fears (hurting people, being gay, etc.) go - I have read, heard, etc. that people with OCD are always convinced that they will do something terrible but never actually do it. The fact that you recognize that hurting someone is a bad thing to do shows that you are not in danger of ever actually carrying this thought out. In a roundabout way, you are trying to prevent bad things from happening through rituals. While touching a door handle a certain number of times obviously won't really do anything, somewhere in your brain, something is telling you that it will. You then complete the ritual because you are a good person and don't want this bad thing to happen. I know that's a way over-simplified explanation and I'm not by any means trying to be an expert about OCD. Those are just things I've read and they really seem to apply to your situation.
Oh, and one last note - don't worry about not having a girlfriend. High school is not a very fun time for most people anyway. By the time you've been out a few years, at college or working or doing whatever it is you've chosen to do, you'll realize that high school has little bearing on the rest of your life. 
I hope this helps. You posted awhile ago, so hopefully you are still checking on your post!

[lisa828]

I would like to help as best I can since I have been diagnosed with (GAD).  Okay so here is my quick story and some advice to you.  I didn't experience anxiety until I graduated from college...what weird feelings I got that I couldn't explain..had panic attacks, racing heart, etc.  I started a new job that really took a toll on me.  I too, went to my parents although they didn't laugh they thought i was being dramatic...well after that I went to a therapist who helped me see what anxiety was and how to cope.  I did great with it...however I still have my moments that I will have anxiety and I realize that with anxiety I bring it on myself...see when that negative 'chatterbox' of bad thoughts creep into your mind you have a choice to 1)  dismiss them as just a negative thought or replace it with a positive one or 2) believe it.  When you start to believe your negative thoughts then you tend to fall into a nasty cycle that will snowball into many things. 

You start to obsess over them until they consume you and they are only things that are in your head, you start to feel sick, afraid and so on.  When you feel this way, you become obsessive compulsive, a hypocondriac and a bundle of nerves.  When you feel that way your fight/flight signals come into play and that is why sometimes your thoughts become ones that FIGHT(thinking of hurting yourself or others) or your FLIGHT kicks in and you try to avoid all social situations by running away from it all. 

Believe it or not, you are very normal:)  this happens to everyone with Panic/Anxiety disorders...you are not crazy nor will you hurt yourself and others, they are just NEGATIVE thoughts and that is all they are thoughts that you FOCUS and ZONE in on that make your feel like they are you, but they aren't.  So instead of running or fighting just ACCEPT them and move on...don't focus on them...I know it can be hard considering the obessive sometimes can get the best of us.  Here is a tip to try...a mental diet.  For 10 days any time your feel a negative thought come into your mind, immmediately replace it with a POSITIVE one.  It takes 7 days to break a habit and that is all your negative thoughts are, a habit you need to break.  Acceptance is the key, be okay with it that you have negative thoughts and replace them with good ones and go on about your day.  Its funny that we always zone in on the bad and not obsess about the good stuff that comes into our heads. 

As for not having a girlfriend in high school, I knew many people who didn't but that doesn't mean anything.  You will when the time is right for you:)  First work on you and the rest will follow.  As for acne, I didn't know anyone who didn't complain of their face breaking out.  I used Proactive and it seemed to help me out.  My motto is if you look good, then you will feel good so give it your best. 

I would also like to suggest 2 books that really helped me...'Hope and Help for your nerves' by Claire Weekes and 'From Panic to Power' by Lucinda Bassett.  You will read them and see that you are just like everyone else.  I am confident that you will make it through this!!  Keep on, keeping on!

[Sassyfur98]

If you feel good, you always look good to others......regardless of appearance.