Hello, new to group

[jkacarino]

Hi all,
My name is Julia. I haven't been formally diagnosed with SAD, but I'm pretty sure I have some form of it. I've just always thought that mine was a very minor form. I've been reading up on it though,  and just finding out about the symptoms, and knowing that there are other people that have felt the same way makes me feel better. I've realized I could potentially have more than just shyness, and that the way I react to situations is not as minor as I thought. I don't have panic attacks when I get into uncomfortable situations, but I bawl my eyes out after, when I'm by myself again,  and feel really really low because I go into the situations telling myself that this time it'll be different, that I'll dress up nicely, and prepare things to say, and I'll do fine... but then when I get into them, it feels like a knife has been lodged in my throat, and I end up answering in monosyllables and not venturing to say anything at all. I smile and act like I'm having a good time for the sake of my friends, who ARE having a good time, so they won't think I'm a kill joy for not having fun myself... and all the time I'm just getting more and more upset about how I'm acting, and I get frustrated about not acting upon it because I know it just makes me feel more awkward the longer I prolong it. I feel like apologizing before hand, before I meet new people, because I think it must be agonizing to stand

My boyfriend is very understanding about the way I am -- we got together even despite my fear of meeting people. We actually met online, so before I met him, I told  him how I would probably be weird and quiet and awkward and he'd probably not have a good impression. He surprised me when we met, by bringing a notebook along so we could start from there -- kind of simulating talking online, but working  up to actually talking face to face. I felt really happy that someone would even think of something like that because writing is my life. I love words. I write fiction and poetry, and essays on random things just for for the fun of it. I often think that if I could talk to people the way I write, my life would be so much easier. I trusted him all the more for his thinking of the notebook, and I found that I easily progressed to being able to talk to him without worrying. I've found that getting to know him was wonderful, and that he's a remarkable person with astounding patience with me... He says he can tell me things that he can't tell other people, any of his friends. It's just his personality I guess. I don't want to go into too much detail but we fit really well. Make up for each others' weaknesses. Even though we don't use the notebook to talk now. We sometimes go back and have conversations through it just because it reminds us of how we met.

He has a lot of friends, though he's not an extrovert. But he likes hanging out with them. He said that in the past, he's felt like  he's had to segregate the time he spent with his ex gfs, and the time he spent with his buddies. But he said with me, it feels different. He wants me to be there because he loves me and doesn't want to have to divide his life like that. He knows it makes me tense and to reassure me, he said that it doesn't matter if I don't say much. He understands. I felt better about it, so recently we've been hanging out with his friends together. It seems though, that everytime we do, I do bawl my eyes out after because I feel so bad about having not said much, even though I know he says it's okay. He started making suggestions, like possible questions I could ask others, just so I didn't have to talk about myself. I find that if people ask me questions, I do okay, so if they started asking me questions, I could slowly work into conversations. But just thinking about starting the conversation myself with a question started to upset me and I started crying on the way over to where we were supposed to hang out. He got upset himself, and said he was trying to help, and so we ended up not going. I felt really bad because he doesn't get to see his friends that often too -- they mostly live out of town. The great thing about him though is that he hears you out. sits patiently until I work out my thoughts and am able to say them to him. We went somewhere quiet instead and talked about what we could do -- because I actually want to work through this. So we went to a bookstore to read more about it.. He was reading something called "when someone you love has SAD" or somthing. I didn't take a look at it myself because I was afraid it would be weird. But after he looked through it, he hugged me and said he was sorry, and that he knows it's hard and scary. and that if I let him, and if I really wanted to work through it, we would do it together.. Him helping me. I am unhappy the way I am. I want to be  happy. I feel overwhelmed most of the time. I'm at work now, looking for stuff online about SAD as well...

I feel confused. I thought I was doing well. But what I was actually doing was avoiding situations altogether because I react the way I do.
I guess I joined because I need feedback. I feel like apologizing here again actually, because this is a really long post. I hope someone reads it though. I don't want that to keep happening. I like his friends a lot, and I don't have many of my own, because I moved here just recently. I really want to work though it...

I feel hopeless sometimes, but with my bf, I think I can do it. I don't want to stress him out though, don't want this thing to define our relationship. I thought seeking advice elsewhere too might help. Like this group. So please let me know if it does sound like I have SAD. I know it might not be extreme but it's making me really unhappy the way I am.

thanks!

Julia

[Josie]

I am new to group as well.  I am glad you are making an effort on behalf of your loving boyfriend.  It may get better during time.  Nothing like that is easy at first. 
I tend to clam up when I am around people.  It's like my tongue is cinched to the roof of my mouth.  I get nervous when I have to speak and I tend to fall all over my word.  I can seem to talk one on one.  But where two or three are gathered, forget it.  Concider me out of the picture.  I don't cry afterward.  I get very upset with myself and feel frustrated and very lonely. 
Here is something you might try.
Try not to go in head first.  Test some "shallow waters" and work your way in from there.  I do believe in time you will be able to talk up a storm and laugh with everyone.  Try not to be hard on yourself.  You are already doing better because you are trying with someone you love and can trust.  Maybe you two can get a system going so when things get overwhelming you can let him know without letting on to others.  At that time you two can take a time out from the others.
I hope this helps.  It is what I am trying to do.

[o-ren]

Hi julia,

It's always good to know that you are not alone.   Going through anything alone is really difficult.  It's nice that you have a bf that cares and loves you.  Keep fighting and always remember that the feelings that you get are created by your own thoughts.  Therefore they can be harness and "controlled".  There is hope.   Good luck 


- Ryan Velasco

[jkacarino]

thank you! so much! I was also afraid no one would respond to my post    

it makes me sick to my stomach sometimes when I know I'm going out with people  but so far, I've asked my bf to let me know waaaaay in advance before he wants to hang out with friends and to ask if I want to come along 

I'll try what you suggested, Josie -- the system where I let him know without really saying so outright.. that seems like something I can do :)

thanks so much!
Julia

[pinky5]

Julia,

Hello and welcome! I'm so glad for you that you have such a sweet and understanding boyfriend.

I know that feeling well of being sick to my stomach with dread because I was supposed to be going out to some event or get together. All I wanted to do was just be able to go out and feel comfortable around new people. One thing that I have told myself that has really helped is " I can leave whenever I want." I used to imagine every possible scenario (usually the worst) that could possibly take place at whatever function I was going to. By the time I got there I was so worked up into a frenzy of nerves I couldn't relax. Now I tell myself that I am just going to go and see what is going on and if I don't like it I can excuse myself and leave. I don't try to imagine what it will be like before I get there, I just go and play it by ear. By not deciding what I am going to do or how long I'm going to stay ahead of time, I don't feel trapped.

Rachel