"Black sheep" versus the "Golden Boy/Girl" of the family...

[GreyGoose]

Hi everyone...(better grab a coffee...this is L-O-N-G!!)

I am finally going to speak out publicly after all these long years, disperse a copy of this to all of my family members, other forums like this one and to many other sources far and wide. I will give no names or specific details to protect the privacy of those I am speaking about. I hope that by doing this, I can finally get some answers (and perhaps some closure) to what has been a long and intensely painful saga for me personally. All bets are off this time and I'm really going for broke. Here we go...

Does anyone else here come from a fairly largish family with several other children and you end up being treated like (or made to feel like) the runt of the litter?...the black sheep of the family?. I know I have and it HURTS!.

That's what I've been dealing with throughout my entire life. While my brother apparently is the successful and charming "Golden boy" of the family, the executor of my parent's living will (I'm the first-born!) and my father is always drawing him like a gun on me and telling me what a perfect person he is and how he could do no wrong (in so many words), my life has been fraught with various health problems, mental problems and other complex issues (some genetic, some stemming from my childhood and some probably my own fault). If I dare speak out about how I feel or try to discuss my problems, I am simply trying to "get attention", "feeling sorry for myself" or "playing the victim card" and yet everyone has some cross to bear so why should I be any different?. I work hard, I pay my taxes and I do the best I can with the life I've been graciously given by God. Sometimes it's easy but many times it is not. I just wish people (especially my own family) understood.

In the beginning (after I finally settled down in life), the family visits, cards and gifts from my father, mother, brother and sister flowed freely every time my birthday or Christmas rolled around (as they did from me!). However, in recent years we grew farther apart and those visits became "gifts", those "gifts" became cards and the cards soon became nothing and now it's as if noone even cares or thinks about me anymore. I feel both rejected and abandoned by my own family and all I get is something like "stop being such a big crybaby and pull yourself up by your bootstraps!!". If only it were that easy. Does my own family actually think I LIKE feeling this way?.

A lot of my family I don't even know because I have rarely (if ever) met them. Others in my family like my mother, my sister and one of my cousins, I am fairly close to but even with them, they have their own lives and I rarely hear from them. Of course, I hav'nt seen many of them in years and we live over a thousand miles apart so I'm sure that this contributes to the lack of any real relationship and everyone is "busy" these days and so I'm the one who ends up doing most of the calling, writing or sending meaningful gifts. I just sent out a nice birthday gift to my mother and father recently and all we did was argue and fight afterwards.

My brother and I had a week-long argument about 5 years ago and that was the last I heard from him (yes, it ended amicably). We used to be fairly close (outside of the normal "sibling rivalry"). I feel awkward about writing to him anymore because I just don't know what to say and I don't want to risk offending or upsetting him. I don't even think he likes me very much and I think (but am not sure) that my father may have prejudiced him (and other family members) against me in various ways (my father is a minister and a very influencial person with a lot of friends and power). Maybe I'm too nice as a lot of people have told me in the past but that's just the way I am (I can't help it). My last birthday, my brother actually said hi and wished me a happy birthday. I was both shocked and delighted at the same time. I thought this would be the beginning of a fresh start between us and I was going to write him again but then I though better of it. I was afraid that I might say the "wrong thing" and set him off.

My aunt and me are fairly close and she is a good person (very articulate, professional, understanding and polite) but I have'nt heard from her in years. Once when I was much younger (over 20 years ago), I called from a payphone (very hungry) and asked her if I could come over and have a sandwitch and after a lengthy pause, she told me that she "did'nt think her husband would appreciate that" and so I continued to walk the streets destitute and hungry. I felt abandoned, rejected and deeply hurt. I've never discussed this with her before because sometimes the past is best left forgotten because it can be so painful.

My sister and I grew up playing house together and we were very bonded. Many times I "protected" her from my brother. We played school together a lot too and when she became an adult, she even became a school teacher (perhaps a coincidence and perhaps not). Still, my father has told me about various things she has said about me over the years and it makes me wonder if we are really as close as I have always thought we were. Perhaps there is even some things being said behind my back that I am unaware of or some gossip or backbiting that has been going on all these years. I'm clueless and don't know what to believe anymore because I've heard so many different things over the years (mostly from my father who's name shall be withheld to protect his privacy).

My female cousin (name withheld) and me grew up together and were always (and remain today) very close and we used to talk like a couple of jaybirds all the time and yet I have not heard from her in years, I miss her (like I do ALL of my family!) and I honestly believe in my heart that maybe someone in the family said something to her that might have made her think that I was'nt a very nice person or that she should'nt be associating with me. I have my suspicions but no proof so I won't go any further with this.

I have an uncle that I have not spoken to since I was a kid (I'm 43 now) and who I had a wonderful two hour conversation with the other day and yet, as usual, I was the "one" who had to take the time and PAY for the call because everyone else was always "too busy" to call me. I feel like a cross between Garfield the cat (always being the bad guy and taking the heat) and Santa Clause (always being the one who makes the calls or sends the nice gifts out). It's a no-win situation.

My brother-in-law came down here to visit me along with my sister and we got along just fine accept that I felt that he was uncomfortable around me and spent much of his time reading a book by the hotel pool and the whole thing was a bit awkard (perhaps for both of us) - although he WAS very friendly and hugged me repeatedly and told me that he loved me, etc. I have nothing at all against him (honestly) but after dinner at Sonny's BBQ on the final visit down here, he gave me a HUGE bear-hug and then abruptly (and violently) pushed me away so that I ended up being shoved against a nearby van in the parking lot while saying "well, I'm not going to wrap my lips around you!". I was shocked and have mentioned this to other family members over the years who tell me that I was "probably just imagining things" or that it was all just a "big misunderstanding". I'm sure he's a wonderful person but I would like to know what exactly was going through his mind when this happened or if I was just "hallucinating and hearing voices" during the whole episode even though I consider myself perfectly sane. His cordial and friendly behavior prior to this particular incident made me do a double-take.

Then, there's my aunt "C" who used to be married to my uncle "T" and I emailed her once with some very specific details about various people, places and events in my life. She wrote back sounding very curious about who I was and telling me that I had the right place, events and people etc and then asked me who I was. As soon as I told her who I was and tried to strike up a friendly conversation, I never heard back from her. It's been 4-5 years now and still no reply. I SWEAR someone is gossiping about me behind my back or spreading rumors and this is turning everyone in my entire family against me. I would be ecstatic to learn that I am wrong but I have very deep suspicions about who this person is and their motives for doing it.

I fully expect that all of my young cousins will be brainwashed and brought up to believe that their "uncle is a very sad and Godless person who is senile and does'nt think the way the rest of us think" or something similar - even though I AM a Christian.

Anyway, I really don't know what else to say except that I feel like my entire family has abandoned me and that they don't really care. I also have my suspicions about who might have set them "wise" to the fact that I was just a bum and to be avoided at all costs during my life out on the streets (which was through no fault of my own because for the last 23 years I HAVE been "pulling myself up my my bootstraps" and am now a successful business owner).

Welcome to the land of misfit toys. Won't you all come join me on my journey and please don't forget to pick up your coat and hat and grab a free mint on your way out...

- Thank's for listening and sorry this is so long, GreyGoose

[apple]

My heart aches for you GreyGoose.  This is pretty sh*tty stuff.  I have similar probs in my family. 

Black sheep I am as well. (yet the most loving of all of them)  Thats probably why.

My sister had ADHD and that made her special.  Everyone in my family went out of there way for her, and I got left behind.  I'm still trying to repair years of nothing from my grandparents and I cant shake how they did nothing with me but everything with my sister.  And yes if I dont call them I never hear from them.  Anytime I do something "wrong"  my family hears about it and I get crapped on, or ignored.  It used to really bother me.

So If I am so bad and wrong and crazy why am I so normal compared to them.  My one bro is a druggy raising his kids in parties and drugs and booze.  The other one ditched his girlfriend and their 6 kids 1000miles away and marries another within the month.  My sister's kid had ADHD just like her and she lets him bully and abuse kids everywhere, standing up for him in school and fighting for his rights after he's hurt others.  My cousin yells at her kids for every tiny detail in their life and leaves them with her Mom all the time, her son wanted to commit 0119 when he was 9years old.  My nephew molested my daughter when she was 8 years old in his home and my parents home, only tried once in mine and I caught him.  My sister did nothing for 6 months, took him to 2 counseling appointments thats it!  And the "family" expects that things should get back to normal in the next couple years.  My cousin wont even talk to me, she glares at me...I got angry about this! She is my daughter I did nothing wrong.

Then there's me. I did run the streets for a time when I was a teenager myself.  then I drank for a year, then I settled down with a man who left me for another when I was 7 months pregnant.   I havent been able to hold a job for longer than 1 year.  I have lost 3 jobs in my life because I have a daughter who has major breathing problems and spends lots of time in the hospital.  I never worked a job outside daycare hours cause no one will watch my children.  Now I am married to a wonderful man and my kids are happy.  I suffer anxiety but other than that I am a good, loyal friend and help anyone I can.


Personally...I'd rather be the black sheep of my family.  It doesnt stink so much.

I am starting to focus more on the little family I have.  My husband is helping me get thru this.  He doesnt understand why I care about people that treat me so poorly. (especially when they are family).  He cant stand any of them.  Except my uncle...he's pretty cool.
He tries to help me focus on us, and the kids, and getting thru life with my anxiety...he knows when my parents are not around my anxiety is lower. (by wicked amounts he says).

Sometimes we just have to learn how to let go of the people that hurt us the most...and only give our time to those who deserve it.  We can make our own families.  Blood has nothing to do with it.  I try to hold my close family, and friends to my heart now...slow road and hard but very rewarding

[Janey]

Wow!! i had no idea people could go through so much crap and still be positive.

I don't know how you people do it, but i wanna know your secret.

I frett over the smallest things and think the world is about to end, but to read your stories and see how you guys can get through tough times and come out strong has blown me away and made me re-think things.

You guys are not the black sheeps, if anything you shoud be the golden children of the family and if only your family could see the real you.

Well done to you guys and i hope other people can take strength from your stories.

[pinky5]

Greygoose,

Sorry you are having such a hard time with your family. I'm sure it is a common theme with us here. I have found that people who have anxiety issues often come from very controlling families. I know I did. I think when you come from controlling parents you get the idea that everything in life should be in your control which is of course totally impossible. This causes anxiety. The more you try to control everything and it doesn't work, the more anxious and out of control you feel. It's a vicious circle. Then you self esteem starts to take a nose dive because you feel like you aren't good enough which causes more anxiety. Time to self medicate with food or alcohol or whatever else will take away the nagging feeling that you are just a no good piece of $%#!! In my family it definitely was not a good thing to ask for help or look like you didn't know what you were doing.

You say that your parent's favor your brother. That is probably because they feel validated by his success. There is nothing a controlling parent hates more than a child who is having some problems and might make them look anything less than perfect. That might mean they would have to have a good look at themselves to see where they went wrong. Controlling parents aren't interested or happy about you working on your problems and overcoming them, they just want everything to look PERFECT all the time. Look what a happy and successful family we are.

In my family, my father left when I was 2 and my mother decided to marry the alcoholic man she had been dating. Good plan. Thanks a lot. He actually wanted to adopt my sister and I but my mother put a stop to that because she didn't trust him and probably didn't want to give up any of her parental control. She did, however, want us to call him "Daddy" and make it look like we were a happy family. Let the good times roll!

You mention a lot of different family relationships and it sounds like you would like to improve them. I have been in that same boat myself and because there is a lot of divorce, remarriage and bad feelings in my family that was a bit of a minefield for me.
After going to therapy the last time I decided a few things were going to change as far as how I ran my relationships with various family members. Here are my new guidelines which have really worked well for me:

1) Every relationship is a separate one and I am not going to discuss or justify why I am spending time or being in contact with one family member to another. (this totally takes away your parent's power to control things)

2) Don't participate in family gossip ever! If someone says to me "so and so said this"  I just say "Or really? I'll have to ask them about that next time I talk to them."

3) Stop being fake. I'm no longer going to try to maintain a relationship with a family member that I don't get along with or has treated me badly just because someone thinks I should. Not interested in being a "good" family member, just an honest one that does what she wants to.

If you want to mend fences and reach out to a family member, just do it. You don't need anyone else's approval or permission. Your relationships are your own. It's hard to call some one you haven't talked to in 10 or 20 years, but it feels really good just to do it. I called my real father 3 years ago when I realized it was his  60th birthday and I couldn't stand the thought that maybe he would be all alone with no one to call him and say Happy Birthday. I hadn't talked to him for almost 20 years and my hand was shaking as I picked up the phone. It was a really hard call to make, but I'm glad I did it. It was one of the first independent adult decisions I had made about him without asking my sister or my mum what they thought.

Hope all of this helps you, and it was really nice to read a post that told about your story. You've been a bit of a mystery until this post.

Rachel

[pinky5]

Greygoose,

Just had a couple more things to add. About the birthday and Christmas gifts and cards, it's so easy for people to feel disappointed and hurt because there is so much expectation at those times. I find that just sending a card or a little present when you are thinking about someone for no special occasion really works. It means so much to me when someone does something like that, more than on a special occasion. You have special moments and memories with every single person that you have ever had any kind of relationship with. People don't know what it is about them that you value unless you tell them, and most people love to be told what those things are. Maybe if you're up to it you could send your sister, or cousin, or aunt a card telling them what you love about them and what you miss about your relationship and that you would like to be closer again.

Rachel