Huge regret...

[hbug1624]

I have been doing so well with my anxiety lately and last night I did something so awful and I can't move past it. My fiance, his best friend and I went out for dinner and drinks. Whenever I go out with the two of them, my fiance acts different. He doesn't show affection towards me, and his friend sits there and comments on girls the whole time. I am extremely insecure and always feel like I'm not attractive enough for my fiance. Anyway, so we're hanging out and I'm drinking (bad idea, apparently) and I got the bright idea to text an ex of mine who has been trying to start talking to me again. I wanted to make my fiance jealous. I feel like he often takes me for granted and I wanted to do something to get his attention. He kept asking who I was texting, and I said, oh, no one. So I text the ex back and forth for a few minutes (about 10 extremely flirty messages total) and when my fiance and I got back home, he went through my phone and threw a fit. So yeah, I got the reaction I wanted. And then I had to spend the rest of the night reassuring him that the ex means nothing to me, it was just a combination of me drinking and being irritated and wanting to make him mad, etc. I swear that is all there is to it. I couldn't care less about the ex. My fiance has been so nice to me today because he says he knows how bad I feel. He agreed that he hasn't been very affectionate or complimentary lately, and he tried making a joke of the whole thing saying "Oh, I passed your test!" I feel terrible. He said to just forget about it but I can't. I had a panic attack today and I have been nauseous all day. I am so mad at myself for doing something so dumb and juvenile. I seriously can't stop crying, I hate myself so much for doing this to him. And him telling me to forget it is making it worse. I am so terrible, he shouldn't even be with me. He deserves so much better. I don't even know why I did that to him, it just seemed like a good idea at the time (especially while drinking) to see just how he would react if some other guy wanted me. I am freaking out right now... I can't calm down and I can't just forget about this. I am a terrible person for wanting to even test my fiance. I know he loves me. But now I've done something so incredibly stupid and he said he doesn't know if he can trust me. What is wrong with me? How could I be this stupid?!? How do I get over this?

[NightOwl]

Well you shouldn't hate yourself over it, but yeah if you play games like that trying to get a particular reaction, it's not good.  I kind of did that in the past by saying I was breaking up with girls because I wanted them to beg me not to and my therapist back then told me I better think before I say or do something because they may say ok fine and then it be over.  And in your case you're going to have him never trusting you if you don't think of a way to stop taking those kind of actions.

Are you going to a therapist at all?  You could ask a therapist how to react in a better way in that situation.  I know if I had a girlfriend and she did that it would bother me and it could lead to the relationship ending.

I'm not trying to get you to feel bad or worry he will go away or anything, but if you were to keep doing it, it would be kind of inevitable.  It's definitely natural to act thatw ay if you're insecure (I've done many thins somewhat similar), but in the end you're not going to get the outcome you want if you do it.

By the way I keep trying to get an ex to talk to me again and she keeps ignoring my texts.  I guess you're not my ex because she still hasn't texted me.  lol

[tmicrowave]

you can't beat yourself up for that
everyone has been drunk and done stuff like that
think, relationships are just like that sometimes
he's probably done stuff that was bad
you forgave him
just try and forgive yourself
its okay!
you understand it wasnt a good thing and you've apologized so
mistakes are a part of life, so you can learn
you can't change it so just accept and learn
and forgive yourself
i know thats some of the hardest crap to do
but maybe you can

talk to your fiance about how you feel

you are not terrible!

[NightOwl]

By the samw token people have been broken up on for things like that also though.  I think it's not wise to write it off as nothing because then it could happen again.  And it's not right to beat yourself up over it either.  But still to say that the boyfriend probably did something bad also and to forget about it is kind of going to the opposite extreme.  It's still not ok to text and flirt with an ex!  I'm just being realistic.  Just like it would do no good to beat oneself up over something like that, it's also not wise to think it's ok and then do it again.  He did have a right to not exactly like that.

I would agree though just to talk to him about it.  You've got to at least be sure he knows why it happened and still trusts you and everything.  You don't want to ahve him holding in some opinion about it and then get mad later or whatnot.

[nyiaca]

"My fiance, his best friend and I went out for dinner and drinks. Whenever I go out with the two of them, my fiance acts different. He doesn't show affection towards me, and his friend sits there and comments on girls the whole time. "


There's the issue, right? And instead of telling him how you feel when you go out together, you did what you did. You were symbollically saying this isn't much fun at all for me, and I could find someone else if I wanted. I think everyone has been guilty of acting out in some way instead of confronting someone about an issue. Do you not want to tell him how you feel b/c you're afraid he'll deny what you're saying?


Don't beat yourself up about it. You have a right to feel neglected or taken for granted if that's how he acts. Maybe you don't feel like you can communicate with your fiance and that causes you a lot of anxiety.


AT least you're aware of why you did what you did and feel badly about it. That's actually a good thing, because it's a life lesson. You've learned not to do something like that again.

[Noahs Mom]

How old are you?  Are you sure you want to get married?  Marriage is hard work... and there are days when you won't be feeling "loving" to him, but you'll have to show love instead. 
When he's with the guys, do you think that he really wants them to see that side of him that only YOU get to see?? That cuddly, loveable, tender side?  No....  He's with his guy friend.  They do guy things.  If you don't like the way he doesn't worship you in front of them, then don't go with.  Let him have his guy time and then come home to you.

Sometimes a guy just has to take their proverbial "nuts" out of your purse and be a man.  That doesn't mean whistle at other girls, or have 1 night stands... just means time not spent putting you on a pedastal.  I HIGHLY recommend you read "For Women Only" by Shaunti Feldhahn.  And maybe "Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands" by my favorite relationship person - Dr Laura.  Reading "For Women Only" is so worth it -- easy, light read with an ending that'll melt your heart and think of your man in a totally different way.

Relationships are hard.  Don't make it harder by texting your ex... in fact, maybe since you're marrying the guy you're with, you should just delete his number.  Staying friends with him shouldn't be more important that giving your soon to be husband a sense of security.