Relationship anxiety

[dbiggins71]

Hi everyone,

This is my first post here, so first of all I'd like to say hello to everyone and introduce myself. My name's Dan, and I've suffered with anxiety on and off for over 20 years. I'm glad to have found this community and hope someone can shed some light on some issues I've been suffering with.

Relationships are something I struggle with and have always struggled with. I enjoy being in relationships, getting to know someone and enjoying spending time with. At first everything is wonderful - the intoxicating feeling of falling in love, butterfiles in the stomach at the thought of seeing them again, and the joy of being with someone who I'm attracted to and care deeply for.

And then something clicks.

I was an awkward teenager, nervous around the opposite sex, and it wasn't until relatively late on when I became comfortable talking to women. The first long term relationship I had wasn't until university back in 1995, although it was destructive - she already had a boyfriend, I started to fall for her, I wanted her to leave him, she said she would if I promised to marry her which I couldn't at the time, we argued, I started to push her away, we split up and got back together numerous times until it finally ended when we both graduated.

A year after university I met my soon to be ex-wife. I felt battered and bruised from the previous relationship, so subconsciously was looking for someone who would, quite simply, look after me. My ex-wife was that person - confident, successful, caring and definitely the dominant one in our relationship. She helped me set up in business, she bailed me out when I couldn't pay the rent, she organised everything and had complete control of our relationship. We were both at fault - I allowed her to do everything for me, and she was happy at the time to pretty much run my life for me. We were together eight years and two years ago everything came to a head - I was extremely anxious through not having any money, was pushing her away, felt I'd lost my identity, and after much discussion we agreed that we were holding each other back. She also wanted to live in Cornwall and I always dreamed of living in London, where I reside now. Instead of staying together, resenting each other and possibly end up having an affair, we agreed to part. We still remain friends to this day, although I still feel the guilt of being the one who initially suggested we parted.

Six months after splitting up from my wife, I met my current girlfriend. Everything about her and the relationship is the exact opposite of my marriage - I feel independent, I feel a strong urge to look after her (my wife was extremely independent which is a good thing, but I didn't feel like the "man" in the relationship, if that makes sense), I feel in love hard with her (whereas with my wife it was more gradual - we lived with each other from the off as I rented a room in a flat she was living in with a friend of hers), and I've never been so attracted to anyone in my life. I first met her some six years ago (she's the best friend of my best friend's wife) and thought she was gorgeous then, and was thrilled when we starting seeing each other. With my wife the "courtship" side of the relationship was missing as we lived with each other from the beginning, but my current partner and I often go on dates to the cinema, restaurant, pub etc which is great.

For the past 18 months everything has been perfect - I've felt so in love, the physical side of the relationship is amazing and we share the same sense of humour, laughing a lot and having a lot of fun.

But like I said earlier, something clicked.

After the past few weeks as the relationship has settled down, I've been feeling a strong urge to push her away. It seems as though once the thrill of falling in love has passed, the anxiety kicks in. Nothing has changed in our relationship - we're still getting on as well as we ever did and the physical aspect is still wonderful - but it seems the only thing that's changed is in my head.

Of course, this brings other worries to the surface. Was my anxiety solely responsible for the breakdown of my marriage, or was it a combination of that and the lack of balance in the relationship? And of course, the more I worry about these things, the more I feed them and the worse they get. It doesn't help that I'm currently looking for work and have a lot of time on my hands - I'm trying to keep busy (I'm a musician, web developer and photographer so have plenty of interests to keep me occupied), but it's hard to shake these concerns.

I truly believe that anxiety is a learned behaviour, whether it's from our parents /friends / loved ones, or a reaction to various stimuli in our lives. I see my anxiety as a defence mechanism, there to help me avoid being hurt. Of course, this is a false expectation, as all it serves to do is to destroy. I've had counselling in the past, but all this seems to do is to reinforce the anxiety by talking about the same subjects again and again and focussing all my attention on the anxiety, instead of offering solutions how to overcome it.

If anyone can share similar experiences, I'd be eternally grateful.

Much love,

Dan

[kelbel403]

I can relate. I met my boyfriend a little over two years ago. From our first date we were best friends which is what I've always wanted in a partner. For the first year, everything was perfect. Things changed, however, when we moved in together last year. Like you, something clicked. He would sit in bed with me while I cried myself to sleep because something was wrong but I didn't know what. Over the least year, it's gotten so bad that I now pick him apart and find reasons we're not going to work. I know that we have a great relationship. He's my friend, my biggest supporter, my confidant and my other half. I just can't keep thinking that we're not going to work.

Your story reminds me of mine because you said once the relationship settled down, the anxiety kicked in. For me, it was when the relationship became serious and the "honeymoon" phase settled that the anxiety kicked in. I try to talk myself out of it when I spiral into these thoughts, but it's getting harder and harder. He has even mentioned that he feels me pulling away which is the last thing I want.

Yes, I've tried therapy as well and I agree sometimes it makes things worse. Sometimes it helps, but sometimes it does make you obsess even more. I've been on Lexapro for a couple months and that helps a bit. I'm happiest when I'm not thinking about it like at family functions, parties, etc. At those times, when we're together and with other people, I am totally fine and totally in love which makes it even harder when I'm spiraling.

Does anything like this ever happen to you? I'm really trying to figure out if it's just the anxiety disorder (which I think it is) or if it truly is the relationship.

[turtle]

I think I have the opposite problem to you guys. Your partners sound supportive and loving. It sounds like the anxiety is the problem not the relationship.
With me, my partner has told me he hasn't fallen in love with me yet because of my "crazy" behaviour, and he just wants me to be normal. I keep asking him why he wants to be with me then, as I can't really control my anxiety that well. For me, I was fine in the beginning stages of the relationship also, the honeymoon period was wonderful. But once it started getting serious and I started to become close to him it seems I freaked out and am doing everything in my subconscious power to push this guy away. It is so frustrating when what I want most in the world is to have a fulfilling loving relationship.

I have always had intimacy issues. I grew up with deep core beliefs that I wasn't important and I didn't matter as an individual. This has affected every close relationship throughout my life as I constantly seek proof that my distorted beliefs are true. Counselling has worked wonders and in most of my relationships I am succeeding in ignoring these constant negative thoughts. With this man however, his complete lack of understanding is killing me and his reaction to my anxiety only triggers my core beliefs that I don't matter the way I am, and creates even more anxiety. Funny thing is, we have broken up a number of times because of this, and the anxiety I feel completely melts away which attracts him and causes him to treat me really well. I start believing it will work, we get back together and the expectations and anxiety flares up all over again. It's a vicious cycle.

I feel like I have lost my sense of self, my life is on hold as I am constantly focussed on the anxiety that threatens my appetite, my sleep patterns(or lack of), my concentration and subsequently my work and University studies. I am constantly focussed on why he hasn't called, or why he didn't want to see me, or why he suddenly wanted to see me every day, or why if its going so crap did he get me a really expensive present...I don't know what to do. My anxiety causes him to back off emotionally, he won't go on roadtrips in case I'm anxious, or spend more than half a day with me and all this does is just feeds my anxiety and cause him to back away even more

Does anyone have any advice other than ending it with him? I should note that when I'm not anxious we get on really well

[dbiggins71]

Hi turtle and kelbel,

Sounds like we all have very similar issues we're dealing with. I think the bottom line is that anxiety is a habit and a learned behaviour - I become defensive and withdraw at a certain point in relationships, and it's usually when the honeymoon period has subsided. This has happened over and over, and the best way I've found to deal with it is to try and ignore it - not easy, but the more you dwell on it the worse it gets, almost like feeding a monster.

I think our minds also come up with ingenious ways to sabotage things. For example, I'm constantly comparing my current partner to my ex-wife...they're as different as chalk and cheese, but I'll dwell on the good points my wife had and wonder why my current partner doesn't possess these qualities, instead of focusing on the wonderful aspects of her personality instead.

In summary, I think the best thing to do is realise that these are just thought patterns - with both of you it certainly sounds like the anxiety is the issue and not the relationship. All the best to both of you.

Dan

[turtle]

You make it sound so easy!

[kelbel403]

He does, but it also makes a lot of sense. For me, as I said in my earlier post, if I'm not thinking about it, we're fine. I think you have a similar experience, turtle. You said when you're not anxious, you are fine. I do have anxiety issues, but I think I've let them get out of control. They've taken over me.

I need to do some "thought stopping" as my therapist calls it. When I feel myself spinning out of control, I need to stop and ask myself why I'm doing this, if it's rational and if the situation warrants it. In some cases, the answer will be yes - the anxiety is warranted. In some cases (hopefully), the answer will be no. This will help me identify the situations where the anxiety is just a habit.

[turtle]

Yes, but ask yourself how often you are anxious.
It is taking over my life, whole days can pass in an anxious blur. I most days wake up anxious, its very unsettling. And it is all focussed on this one person, no wonder he doesn't want to be around me!

I think you know what you need to do, it is very easy for your thoughts to take over, but not so easy to distinguish the rational from the irrational at the time. And if other factors get in the way such as the way your partner reacts to your anxiety, then it makes it that much harder.

I think I need a more understanding partner, one that doesn't stop wanting to see me after I've had an anxiety attack. It's too hard to work out the rational if he's telling me its not because of me, he just wants to be alone. argh

[dbiggins71]

Hi again turtle and kelbel,

In theory it's easy, but as well all know, in practice it's extremely difficult. Even though the sensations we experience are horrible and extremely worrying, at the end of the day they're just thoughts and habits developed over a number of years, and all habits can be broken, no matter how difficult they are.

I've found it's a vicious circle - we feel anxious about a certain something, then worry and stress over the fact that we're feeling anxious, which feeds the anxiety even more. I believe the key to it all is acceptance, telling yourself, "These are just thoughts. They're not real. They can't hurt me." Believe it or not, we can have control over how we feel and how we view the world. No-one can make us feel a certain way, only we can give them permission to make us feel that way.

Turtle, I'm sorry that your partner isn't a little more understanding, but he's probably confused and hurt too. My advice (for what it's worth) would be to explain that it's not personal and that you're working through it, and his support can help you get through it.

I'd recommend reading the Linden Method if you can. I'm not affiliated to the product in any way, but when I first read it it helped enormously. The author reiterates what I've discussed in my posts, that anxiety is a learned habit, and in anxious people there's a switch in the brain that is always switched to "on". He helps you to turn that switch off and only turn it on when anxiety has a useful purpose, and not to feel anxious all of the time.

Dan

[turtle]

Dan, thanks for your advice, it makes alot of sense.
Funny you should mention the Linden Method, I started it yesterday and already am feeling better. Spending countless hours focussing on how you're feeling does seem to counteract what we all want to do e.g be less anxious. And if it is YOU controlling and feeding your anxiety then it is only YOU who can make a difference and not let it overwhelm you.

[dbiggins71]

Hey turtle, my pleasure. I think I'll dig out my copy of the Linden Method, as I'm currently out of work and sitting around focusing on my anxiety, which of course makes it worse. Glad you're feeling a bit better, and you're right - we're in total control of our anxiety, whether we're making it worse or making it subside. With some effort and work we can all make it subside.

Take care,

Dan

[hopelessromantic]

Dan,

It sounds like you still care deeply for this person, although something in you clicked and you feel the need to push her away. Is it the same feeling as your ex-wife?

Do you feel as though you should be thinking about marriage and that subconscious thought is making you want to put some space between you?

The reason for the pushing away may be something you're not even aware of....

It may be you like the "thrill of the chase" and once that is all said and done, you feel restless....

Take a look at this from several angles, something will make sense and you can focus on that aspect....

[dbiggins71]

Hi hopelessromantic,

Thanks for your thoughts and comments. In some ways the pushing away is the same, in some ways it's different. My relationship with my wife was extremely unbalanced - I was almost totally dependent on her, she pretty much sorted everything out that needed to be sorted (organised the wedding, joint accounts, the shopping, supported me in running my business etc), and in the end we dragged each other down...I was happy to take and she was happy to give, creating the unbalance. In the end I almost felt as though I'd lost my identity as an individual in as much that she was my crutch, someone who I didn't feel I could cope without. Of course, I still care a lot about her but I accept that there were aspects of the relationship that were fundamentally wrong, as did she.

My current relationship is different, in as much we're individuals who "do our own thing" when apart, but truly enjoy each other's company when we're together. I guess the anxiety has sprung from the fact that we've discussed the possibility of moving in with each other at some point during the next year or two. It's something that I'd love to do at some point, but my baggage from the past is having it's say.

Yes, I've always enjoyed the thrill of the chase, but the great thing about my current relationship is that it still feels like we're courting, something which didn't happen with my wife. I was a lodger in the house my wife lived before we got together, and of course once we became a couple it meant we were cohabiting immediately, something which I found great difficulty in coping with so early on. So yes, these issues may be rearing their heads again.

Thanks once again,

Dan

[delilahking]

Dan, it's like you said-you were thrown into a marriage that took care of everything for you. but i'm thinking most people "grow" in the other kind of a relationship. Maybe it has nothing to do with your new girlfriend but with your need to find yourself? kudo's to you for taking care of your own things in life and being a responsible adult :) but they say you can't really know someone till you know yourself. Maybe the excitement in getting to know someone new and special is really wanting to know yourself-take wings, learn new things, have you ever wanted to sky dive?-lol. maybe the excitement you seek is in the thrill of the chase! you just missed out on all those years of finding out who YOU are. enjoy your relationship with your new gf and hey-she may want to come along and enjoy the ride at your side :) go find some new strenth in finding what's inside you!instead of looking to others to lead the way. This might be a little something left over from the first relationship that you may not have seen. Just a thought

[dbiggins71]

Hi delilahking,

I totally agree with you - I think this current relationship is allowing me to find myself, to develop more as a person. I made a lot of mistakes in the marriage and still carry a lot of sadness from it, but I feel as though I've regained my independence and "found myself" again in the past two years.

I think one issue I'm aware of at the moment is that I'm unemployed, having gone from a highly paid contract job to signing on every fortnight, and that's been hard. It's given me a lot of time to think (especially as I'll be divorced any day now), and whenever I struggled before I'd depend on my wife and unload onto her, which was part of the reason the marriage failed (I treated my wife more like a therapist at times, a role she was willing to undertake, it has to be said). Of course, I talk to my current partner and don't want to keep things from her, but the dynamic is different - I no longer turn to her to "fix" things as I did my wife, as I've realised (and as you've said) that's up to me as an individual.

I'm sure the subject of living together will crop up again this year - neither of us are pushing for it and are happy with how things are, but it has been touched upon. I just need to know I'm ready and I've moved on before I make such a commitment.

Thanks for your reply,

Dan