I feel very anxious of my own existence

[deepthought]

Hello! I'm a 23-year-old male from Peru. I'm here because I suffer from panic disorder. As far as I can remember, my first panic attack was around when I was 9-10: I got a panic attack during a school trip and thought I was going to die. Life went through and for 10 more years I went without treatment nor knowing what really went through with me that day (and a few more along those years). 2 years ago I was diagnosed with panic disorder and I took Lexapro and Rivotril for depression and anxiety and I was able to shook off from the hole I was into. For some months I've been feeling very anxious after an episode of panic attack close to my house, and ever since I've been feeling anxious. That's my life's story in a nutshell.
Right now I feel very anxious about my own existence. I can't say it's the very first time, since two years ago before I was diagnosed I went through the same thing and it was terrible. Basically I get episodes of sudden awareness of my existence and this causes deep fear and anxiety. Is it from the nature of existence itself, "how strange it is to be anything at all", or have I conditioned myself to have anxiety when I ponder about these things (which is often when I have anxiety: vicious cycle)? Clearly I'm dealing with something which is greater than I can understand, and we're known to fear what we don't know.
Thanks for reading, writing this little text already helped.

[snowcaps]

Welcome to the board- I hope you get some answers here. I can't say that I have any myself, but I can relate. I remember when I was younger I would occasionally get sucked into a pattern of repeating my name in my head so many times that the word lost meaning, and then I would wonder if I had any meaning either. I would look in the mirror and not know if who I was seeing was familiar or not. It was a weird sensation at the time, and I've had a couple of late-night all-alone-in-the-world, do-I-really-even-exist panic attacks in my college years. So yeah, I can relate but can't really give much insight. I'd blame the earlier incidences on dissociation due to the fact that I was abused as a kid, but who knows about the other ones.

[tmicrowave]

i get what your saying
and welcome !
yeah. alot of people ive met with anxiety seem really smart
its almost like its a curse sometimes and we know too much
overanalyzing stuff
i do it too
sometimes my surroundings become really uncomfortable and scary and i have an anxiety attack because of it
i also just think we're too far from nature
its hard to even find anything natural in a grocery store

reading up on a little bit of buddhism and stuff has really helped me put things into perspective on life and what not
i like that stuff
but i have no idea if that would help you any

goodluck

[Headams2001]

I think I can kind of understand what you are saying. i havea big fear of God and what he can do to me, and its not like im a bad person either! I start thinking about it when I'm around alot of people and then I start to feel like I need to crawl of of my skin. What it comes down to i think is a lack of self esteem and feeling like we are not worthy of ourselves in socirty.

[ashcrash85]

Interesting post! Welcome!

I get what you're saying I experience something along those lines as well. Mine are a lot like snowcaps response, I suddenly become aware of "me" and contemplate my existence. As in, am I really here? It's hard to explain past that, I start to contemplate death, the afterlife, who I am, what other people see of me. It's really odd, mine come in cycles when I'm most anxious.

[daybyday]

I know what you mean, but I think it is just a little anxiety "shiver" of sorts.  I try to meditate and be really aware of myself.  Try some mindfulness meditations, look it up on your computer.  You just simply concentrate on your breathing, just the act of breathing, the fact that you are breathing, and let your thoughts come.  You have to read about it because I am not explaining it well.  You don't try to breathe a certain way, just breathe and be aware of the fact that you are breathing.  Sounds weird because I don't explain it well.  I think we feel like this sometimes because we feel we don't have a right to exist, but we do, even with our imperfections!

[tmicrowave]

i like that daybyday good advice. i always try to do that stuff also

[pierre_cohen]

Deepthought,

Thanks for sharing this with us... I feel EXACTLY the same way.  It's hard to believe that anxiety and dissociation can cause such a fear and feeling of being alone.  Have you found anyways to help deal with your issues?  For the last 10 months I've been dealing with anxiety and fearing my own existence and want to do something to better it.  I just hope that this thought pattern is reversible and that I will find way to improve it.  Now when I socialize with people I'm not even in the moment focusing on what they are saying, all I see is flesh and bones spouting off words... it's really trippy and scary.  It's almost as if I've become the most cynical person on the planet and everything I think about I label as useless and futile because deep down I'm thinking: whats the point of any of this, the end result is death so why bother.  I know that's really morbid to think about, but I can't help it.  I want to break these thought patterns and be happy again.  If I can just sit on the couch and not do anything but think positive thoughts, I can begin to be happy again, but once I have to deal with something that puts the slightest pressure on me, I revert back to this dissociated state of mind.  I really want to be a functioning member in society and this crap is totally hindering me.  Please let me know if you've found any solace since you posted this message.  Thanks so much for your time!
-Pierre

[dgrease43]

Good to hear your story! As one of the other users said we who suffer from anxiety definitely over analyze things. Therefore causing us to dig deep and create fear. Have you tried any practices to help sort of center yourself? Maybe like yoga or meditation? I don't know if that would help or make it worse, but it would definitely put you in the situation where you are aware of your own existence. Could be a scary experience but could help you conquer your deep fears? Keep your head up and I hope these forums bring you confidence to conquer this. 

[gavinbeeker]

Like someone else mentioned, I can't recommend meditation enough. I am definitely of this frame of mind as well, I have spent many sleepless nights pondering these questions and/or avoided them through drugs and alcohol. While meditation helps calm the restless mind, I like to think it also points toward answering these questions experientially.
    Do you have any creative outlets, like writing, drawing, acting, etc? That's also a great way to relieve some of the pressure of these great questions.

[talMV]

I have felt/often do feel EXACTLY the same way....I think about my existence, what is real/reality, life and death, the concept of time, etc, etc, etc..... I have strong depersonalization when i have panic attacks, like i literally feel like i am not in my body, like i don't know who or what i am.....it's terrifying and bizarre.... I can say that reading your posts and knowing i am not the only one to feel this way helps me so much! I can't believe other people feel this way and think this way too! It comforts me to know i'm not alone..... nor are you.
Now what!? Yes, i have heard meditation works well.....but it is SO difficult for me to quite my mind and often when i try i get anxious and want to get up and move and find a way to escape myself (which is impossible! Hence, the continued anxiety....) and that defeats the whole purpose..... anyway, thank you for posting this!!

[LondonBoy]

Finally some people who GET what I feel like.

Its totally terrifying, The only way im finding around this is to just summon the strength to concentrate on other tasks until it dissappears into the back of my mind. It will come back but with more of this training im able to not let it overwhelm me. Although it does creep back in! The thing is you will not find an answer to this question so u have to stop thinking about it. Easier said than done I know. I'll let you know if i figure out how to deal with it. Scares the **** out of me

[tinam7]

I am at the end of life as is my brother suffering so horribly. Even getting out can be so terrible.

But I have worked on myself and am surprisingly accepting of all--or nothing--there is. When you are young, as I believe you all are, you need to sustain yourself with work, with a strong Self, with developing your own interests. A big part of my life now is exercise and, as has been mentioned, meditation.

Are there answers to the big questions? Probably not. I'm close to finding out (!). But until then I intend to enjoy myself and bring joy to the people around me.

[anonytic]

Eversince I could remember, I've always pondered my own existence. As a kid I would not be able to sleep just thinking about death and non-existance. It went on for many many years before I could manage to get over it. I've now turned it into some sort of philosophical interest.

I've crashed my friend's philosphy lectures and read about Plato and Socrates, read Sophie's world and The Solitaire mystery, and somehow just embracing how little we matter has helped getting over the fright.

I do still sometimes feel a bit disconnected from the world and would just touch a wall or a tree to feel the texture to feel that it's really there because I feel like I'm walking on nothing (we're basically living on a floating ball) and needed something solid to feel grounded. I'd sometimes walk and turn around really quickly just to see if the world stayed the same if I wasn't looking, just for fun. Or I'd look at my fingers and think about how we're just basically meat that has somehow managed to gain intelligence as a species.

Although now I'm not afraid to the point of having sleepless nights anymore. I am still afraid of dying and being in the state of non-existance and joke about how I can relate to Voldemort.

[Ink_Slinger]

Deepthought,

I know where you're coming from...I have always been analytical about my existence from a very young age, thinking about my own mortality as others have posted.  Or like you said "how strange it is to be anything at all".

Sometimes I lay down at night, I put my hand over my heart as it races and I think "how does a heart continue to beat for 70-80 years" or whatever it may be, but it seems impossible to me.  Or I think about all of the organs in my body or my brain and how in the world it functions...freaks me out.  This is definitely more physical but I also contemplate the existential and it also freaks me out.

I sometimes can't even watch shows about the universe.  I start breathing erratically and have to turn it off.  My brain, I think, can't process how expansive and infinite the universe is.  It's like a reverse fear of heights or something.

[LondonBoy]

Sometimes I lay down at night, I put my hand over my heart as it races and I think "how does a heart continue to beat for 70-80 years" or whatever it may be, but it seems impossible to me.  Or I think about all of the organs in my body or my brain and how in the world it functions...freaks me out.  This is definitely more physical but I also contemplate the existential and it also freaks me out.

I sometimes can't even watch shows about the universe.  I start breathing erratically and have to turn it off.  My brain, I think, can't process how expansive and infinite the universe is.  It's like a reverse fear of heights or something.

Yes my friend, this is exactly the same as how I feel. Thoughts about the body, how it is functions, what energy is behind it causing it to function. I think about 'how I think' or the electrical impulses whizzing around my brain sends me into a state of frenzy,

I am the same also when watching shows about the universe. Ironically i love these shows but just cant watch them because of how deeply it makes me think into this.

Im not sure if its just that my anxiety will not allow me to ponder these things with a calm mind, but I dont understand how u think about this stuff with a calm mind. I mean its not like we are thinking about some event in the 3rd person like something exterior to ourselves. Im thinking about what we are.

Ah! I think ive even gotta stop typing, there goes my brain again!

[tattoolady14]

Deepthought,

I know where you're coming from...I have always been analytical about my existence from a very young age, thinking about my own mortality as others have posted.  Or like you said "how strange it is to be anything at all".

Sometimes I lay down at night, I put my hand over my heart as it races and I think "how does a heart continue to beat for 70-80 years" or whatever it may be, but it seems impossible to me.  Or I think about all of the organs in my body or my brain and how in the world it functions...freaks me out.  This is definitely more physical but I also contemplate the existential and it also freaks me out.

I sometimes can't even watch shows about the universe.  I start breathing erratically and have to turn it off.  My brain, I think, can't process how expansive and infinite the universe is.  It's like a reverse fear of heights or something.

I am the exact same way about the universe thing. The whole concept of where our universe exists exactly or what it exists IN is so mind-boggling that I can't even begin to fathom... I just can't think about it. It's a bit too much.

[wailua]

Wow-  I totally get this.  I love shows about the universe and stuff, but it makes me really scared and panicky sometimes!  I never knew other people felt the same way.  I thought I was just kindof weird and thinking too much about this stuff.

I also get wrapped up in the mystery of death and what happens.  I'm so totally fearful of death and want to know what happens, but of course I will never know until it happens.  And then I just get in this circular logic and I get all freaked out and scared.

I'm so glad there are others who can relate.

[VikingJack]

It is such a weird feeling isn't it? I hate it but can't image life without the depersonalisation experiences. I remember when they started, the first attacks, the fear. Ten years on it is no better, but then why should it be. Without the answer to the ultimate question, it won't get any better. Life gets more surreal every day and nothing you can do stops it. Distraction helps, but for how long? It rears its head again. The fear and panic comes back. No one can help, it's your head, your existence. I fill my life with love, family, work, but at 23:52 in the quiet on night it doesn't protect me from the deep black, the realisation of existence, the panic, the hole in my awareness. How do I even know that I will wake up, that I will see my wife and beautiful children. I don't and it scares me. Sure you can say 'why worry there is nothing you can do so go with the flow'. But that doesn't help really... Hmmm sick feeling in stomach, manic mind, andrenline flowing. Good to know others feel it too. But unless you have an answer (logical) we are no help to each other really. I need to stop now, too much waffle, no substance, such is life

[sdjw37]

I have this feeling Xs 10 .. overanalyzing is a huge problem. Don't really know how to deal with it but like someone said above just breathing and concentraiting on that seems to help a little.

sdjw

[greenzebra]

Wow-  I totally get this.  I love shows about the universe and stuff, but it makes me really scared and panicky sometimes!  I never knew other people felt the same way.  I thought I was just kindof weird and thinking too much about this stuff.

I also get wrapped up in the mystery of death and what happens.  I'm so totally fearful of death and want to know what happens, but of course I will never know until it happens.  And then I just get in this circular logic and I get all freaked out and scared.

I'm so glad there are others who can relate.

I feel the exact same way! I think about these things sometimes, and it scares the heck out of me enough to where I start hyperventilating and crying.

[cafeterrace]

Wow! Wow, I'm so happy to find a group of people who share this same fear! I didn't even realize other people really had this or thought this way too. Anytime I told people close to me it was just sort of like "hm" or "yeah, I wonder too" but it wasn't like me how I get anxious at the thought of it all.

I also meditate. I also use binaural beats help me get in the mode for meditation. I think of it as a cheat to get my body and mind into the right place. So for those of you who have trouble keeping your mind still enough to meditate this may be something to consider.

[dragonspitt]

I am with all who feel like im so afraid of god and what i have done in my life. I feel doomed when panic and fear overcomes me its seemes to be harder and harder to pull out of it its to the point that i dont want to be alone it helps me that ive found a group that goes through the same things ive only just found this and im feeling better the more i read and see there are people with my same fears and can overcome them. Thanks