feel the need to have more posts on ptsd

[grywlf59]

i have suffered from ptsd all my life and it is very helpful to talk about it.  My therapist and p doc advise me to.  As i see so few posts about ptsd i feel like i have no one in the chat to talk to about it.  I know it makes others very uncomfortable so i refrain from doing so.  In my case i have multiple traumas to deal with.  I am a victim of child abuse and also a victim of rape.  Sometimes the flashbacks and reliving these events are very difficult to handle alone.   I still have so many days when my ptsd gets triggered and i just want to give up sometimes but i have not.  I used to hurt myself to get the pain out (do not do this it does not work and is harmful).  I now have medical issues ( such as brain damage etc..) that are a result of the traumas.  So it feels the abuse has come back to haunt me yet again.  I am an imsomniac as well so i dont sleep probably cuz when i do i have severe nightmares.  My family will not touch me to wake me from the nightmares as i come to fighting and punching.  I am sure there are others out there with the same type of issues who dont speak either.   But holding it in is so very hard to do.  I keep everything so bottled up that i just go numb sometimes and other times i am overcome by emotions.  i know the past is behind me but yet it still manages to be in my life each and every day.  The pain is still very real in my mind, heart and soul as well as physically.  It affects everything i do and say some days and lays me out on others.  I can go all numb and cold in my head about the traumas and at other times so angry and lost.  It is avery viscious cycle that never ends for me

[BethnKy]

I know exactly what you mean. I have been having flashbacks for a few years. I was sexually & physically abused from birth to age six and then again at age 12 by a different person. The latter I remember. I also kick & punch when someone tries to wake me. I also feel like there isn't a day in my life where these past traumas do not effect me. I can't help thinking about it, when I know my emotions are different from others, either I'm raw...or I'm disassociated, but whatever the case it always is a burden I have to carry. I also used to be a slicer, I was for several years, thankfully my husband helped me to get over this, and your correct it does cause lasting harm..you should see my legs, let's just say I can no longer wear anything that reveals my upper arms or legs. I have never admitted any of this to anyone before..because they don't get it. I dont know how many times i have heard (from people who supposedly were trying to help) "it's in the past, get over it"...not so easy..at least for me.

Thank you for sharing, and nope..your not alone..no offense, but I kinda wish you were, if you know what I mean
Hugs,
Beth

[grywlf59]

bethnky  Thanks so much for your reply.  I appreciated it so much. I also wish that I were the only one to have this as I know how hard it is to deal with.  Give your husband a hug and thank him for being supportive of you.  I feel that is extremely helpful.  I also understand that people say it is the past and to get over it.  If only that were true.  I am just thankful that we survived our ordeals and got help for the ptsd.  Take good care of yourself. 

[Nika]

I can totally relate, grywlf59. I have had PTSD my whole life, mainly from sexual abuse/rape. I also lived in an orphanage for a number of years. The flashbacks, the anxiety, it can all get really intense. If people touch me in certain areas, it induces flashbacks. I have nightmares at night as well. I'm still living in the house where the abuse happened so it's hard for me to heal right now.

I'm sorry to hear you have PTSD too. I know it's hard to live with, but hopefully we can support each other. Thank you so much for coming to my rescue in the chat the other day. I really appreciated it. I was triggering very heavily from several things and you were just the person to help keep me grounded. Thanks again -- you have no idea how much it meant to me!

-Nika

[Nika]

Beth,

I understand where you're coming from. I'm so sorry to hear you were abused too.

I also used to self-mutilate but now I resort mainly to dissociating. Before I self-mutilated as a vehicle to dissociation but then when I figured out how to dissociate without self-mutilation. However I guess I could still say I "self-mutilate" on a psychological level, in other words self-bereavement.

I hope you're handling your PTSD symptoms as well as possible.

-Nika

[grywlf59]

i also used to self mutilate.  i hid it from everyone for many years.  then when i finally got the help i needed i found many more useful and productive ways of letting out the pain and coping with it.  I hope others who do this will ask for help like i did.  In the end you only have the scars to show for it and the scars are a constant reminder of the original pain you were trying to get through.  A constant reminder of the pain is not a healthy thing. Therapy and self education is a plus to those of you who do this.  It has helped me through some very painful times.