1st Post a Return of Melancholia?

[Litespeed]

Hi! This is my first post. I state this out of politeness not for any fanfare or big cyber hugs. 

I spent a good part of my life under the heavy wet blanket of 'depression'. I drank a lot of booze as well, to kill the pain but it brought even more of it. So I wound up on psych units multiple times over many years on 0119 watch, meds etc.  Mostly it was cutting - gestures of needing help with that fathomless darkness which I could not verbalize - or know- rather than outright attempts at my own life. 

Finally I got sober. Finally I began to value my own life and was capable of lightness of mood and forward motion. I returned to school and earned a professional degree. Then I became licensed in this profession.  I was never capable of a sustained effort towards any goal! These were major milestones in my life.

Lately, however, I have felt this blackness inside growing like a tumor. I've tried to go on as usual, ignore it, not give it the power to take over my life as it had for so many years. I'd like to be callous, superficial rather than feel these raw feelings that I've never been able to sort through and understand.  To get to know these feelings is like availing myself to a black hole.

Still all I am stating is feelings here. I'm not sure of the value of sharing feelings.

[tmicrowave]

if you need to cry, sit there and just experience the sadness and when your done you'll feel better

here read this i hope it helps

"There are problems I know -- and sometimes there are problems of which you may not even be aware. This time you have to work hard and drop them. If you don't work on a problem it tends to become part of your system. By and by it settles into your being, into your guts -- then you don't look at it as a problem but it goes on destroying your life.


And with people who are very intelligent, it always happens that they can explain away problems -- and that's what I see with you. But explaining away a problem is not solving it. To solve a problem one has to bring it into total consciousness. To solve a problem one has to help it to flower. Once it flowers, it dies. That's what a flower is. When a tree has flowered it seems that something is ready to die because flowering is the last thing. Now there is no more going . . . a flower now has to wither, to drop into the earth and disappear."

maybe something in the back of your mind that needs to come out who knows
listen to your heart and goodluck

[Noahs Mom]

Jenna - that was great advice...  I'm definitely going to re-read that as my sad days pop up very soon.

[tmicrowave]

  yes!! cool