Is a relationship with someone with anxiety possible?

[gutfeeling]

I met a guy about two years ago who was subsequently diagnosed with a severe anxiety disorder. We had an unparalleled connection - we were best friends from the start, we "got" each other in every way - it was like nothing either of us had ever experienced before. But he couldn't handle how much his anxiety heightened with the pressure of being together so we broke up. But we missed each other so much and kept going back to each other, over and over and over again. And each time either his anxiety overwhelmed and he broke up with me or I became so hypersensitive and self-preserving that at the first sign of it from him I'd flee. For the past six months I found the strength to make a clean break - I saw other people, I mended my broken heart. But I never met anyone who clicked with me like he did.

Now he wants to try again. Take away the anxiety and I love this guy completely but I feel so uneasy and terrified of being hurt again. I'm not sure someone with his level of anxiety can ever form a real relationship.  Am I right, or is there hope?

[NightOwl]

I personally feel like it's possible if one person has anxiety, but if both do then I don't know how that would work.  I think the anxiety of one would bring out the anxiety of the other all the time, thus why I myself wouldn't purposely date someone else who has a lot of anxiety.  Everyone has some sort of problem, but while most people think two with the same problem "have something in common", I feel like two people with the same issues will simply allow each other to keep having them.

So bottom line, my opinion is that if you don't have anxiety and he does, then there's no reason why that can't work when people with worse things than anxiety still get married.  I think personally most people would rather chance someone with anxiety than chance someone known to cheat or deal drugs, for example.  :p

[firebird]

I met a guy about two years ago who was subsequently diagnosed with a severe anxiety disorder. We had an unparalleled connection - we were best friends from the start, we "got" each other in every way - it was like nothing either of us had ever experienced before. But he couldn't handle how much his anxiety heightened with the pressure of being together so we broke up. But we missed each other so much and kept going back to each other, over and over and over again. And each time either his anxiety overwhelmed and he broke up with me or I became so hypersensitive and self-preserving that at the first sign of it from him I'd flee. For the past six months I found the strength to make a clean break - I saw other people, I mended my broken heart. But I never met anyone who clicked with me like he did.

Now he wants to try again. Take away the anxiety and I love this guy completely but I feel so uneasy and terrified of being hurt again. I'm not sure someone with his level of anxiety can ever form a real relationship.  Am I right, or is there hope?

Gutfeeling, I think i can give you an answer on your question. My view:

I was in the same situation, but i was the one with anxiety. My girlfriend broke up when my anxiety level got very very high. It was nearly impossible to live with me, i admit that. I think, the only way our relationship could have survived is if my girlfriend would have sacrificed herself for me. She did not choose to do that, though she loved me like you love your ex. It was a legitimate choice from her point of view. She didn't realize at that moment, that anxiety is not always an anduring thing. Anxiety is not realy a personality trait. It can diminish, it can diisappear, sometimes forever. My anxiety levels dropped a couple of months after she broke up. Our relationship was over and she found a new boyfriend (he was her best friend before). She chose for security, she didn't want to take risks with me, the love of her life (i'm pretty much convinced of that). But it was her choice and i accept it. I don't want to say that it's a bad or good choice, it's her choice.

What i want to say is: from your point of view: You clearly love this man. But do you want to take risks? Do you accept that overcoming anxiety can take time, sometimes years. But when it drops and disappears and when this man solves his issues, there will possibly be a gloryfing moment, when you can live in peace and harmony with your boyfriend. If you take that dicision, you need to have unconditional love in the beginning, and you have to accept that, sometimes, you will be second in line behind anxiety. Are you able to accept that? You have to be strong yourself if you take that dicision. You have to say to yourself: it will disappear one day, even if your boyfriend says he will always be like that (reasoning like that is part of anxiety).

I don't know how high the anxiety levels are, how enduring it is etc. What i do know is that anxiety is just not a personality trait. But it troubles the view of the person who suffers from it, and sometimes it makes the person unrecognizable in the view of the ones who love him. It can be so irrational that it even troubles the thoughts of the ones who live with that person. I think you understand what i mean.

But with the right therapy, a safe environment, time, and life experience, it can disappear or drop to an acceptable level. To conclude: there is hope. Anxiety disorders often disappear after a certain age and certain therapies.

[ocdengineer]

My answer is short and sweet.  You have to have a person who is willing to walk through fire to solve their issues.  If not, then it will be a rocky road.  I am married and have 2 great kids.  It is very tough, but I manage my disorder fairly effectively and can usually handle the anxiety I deal with.  It took a lot of work to get here and if your significant other is not willing to endure therapy and possibly medication, etc then you are probably fighting for a lost cause.

Take care,
OE

[NightOwl]

I really think anxiety disorders are being held to a different standard than anything else.  Like I said, everyone has some issue.  If you care enough about someone you try to deal with things.  Otherwise you keep attempting to find perfection and never end up with anyone.  If someone were dating someone and that person had cancer, people would be outraged if someone decided to break up with the person.  Of course that all comes down to whether you already got to know the person beforehand or not.  But seriously who "isn't" hard to live with to some extent?  People aren't perfect and it almost seems like a lot of people think someone with anxiety isn't lovable.

I'm not really talking about anyone specifically, just the general public.  If someone doesn't feel they can deal with someone who has anxiety, then obviously they shouldn't feel forced to take it on.  However, it seems to me they are going to end up with someone they have to be understanding about anyway, whether it be anxiety or something else.  I think the reason divorce rates are so high is that most people think there is a such thing as someone without problems.   :)  (among other reasons)

[NightOwl]

ocdengineer, that sounds kind of like what i was typing when you posted that.  It's almost as if you're saying if someone ahs anxiety they don't deserve anything in life, meanwhile people with other disorders do?

[firebird]

ocdengineer, that sounds kind of like what i was typing when you posted that.  It's almost as if you're saying if someone ahs anxiety they don't deserve anything in life, meanwhile people with other disorders do?

I agree with you, but what do you want to do about it? It's how it is. Society and people are waiting for perfection. The only thing that you (not you specifically) can do is solve your anxiety problem.

[NightOwl]

ocdengineer, that sounds kind of like what i was typing when you posted that.  It's almost as if you're saying if someone ahs anxiety they don't deserve anything in life, meanwhile people with other disorders do?

I agree with you, but what do you want to do about it? It's how it is. Society and people are waiting for perfection. The only thing that you (not you specifically) can do is solve your anxiety problem.

I don't agree that someone with anxiety isn't going to find the right person anyway though.  Anxiety isn't so much a person's fault as such things as how you treat a person, choosing to be dishonest, physically or emotionally abusing people, getting addicted to illegal drugs.  Those are all choices.  It just really annoys me that it's even 1% possible that someone with anxiety would have less chance of finding someone to date than people who choose their issues.

[ocdengineer]

I am going to clarify.  Everyone deserves to be happy, but only people who want to be happy will.  If you are in a relationship with someone who is not actively working to get through their anxiety, then it is a lost cause.  I was a lost cause.  It took years to figure out why I couldn't be in a relationship.  I was destroying every relationship I was in without knowing it.  I hurt a lot of women along the way.  I am warning everyone that if you are dealing with someone who is not actively trying to help themselves, then it is a lost cause.

Later,
OE

[gutfeeling]

Wow. I am in awe of these replies. Firebird, especially, what a poignant, insightful understanding you have of where I'm at. It's so hard to explain to anyone who doesn't have anxiety - or at least someone with anxiety in their lives - about the dilemma I face.

Here's the thing. I'd walk through hot coals to be with him. But even more than that, I'd walk through molten coals to see him get better. Even if at the other side of it we didn't end up together for whatever reason, I'd just be so happy to see him still his mind and stop being so tormented by this beast that engulfs him. He doesn't deserve to feel like this. You're right, it's NOT him. He is not his anxiety. It's literally like this demon that sits on his chest and in his mind and controls him by remote. He even talks of feeling disassociated from his true self, like he's watching someone else disintegrate from a distance. The way I interpret that is that it's almost like the buzzing and torment in his mind is so great that he's forced to split himself into two separate people and observe it from a afar or he won't be able to stand it. Do you think I'm on the right track there? Does anyone else feel like that sometimes?

ocdengineer - I think what you say is the clincher. If he's willing to try every treatment necessary to get a handle on things, then I'm willing to be there for him and help him with it as best I can. But if he's not, then there's just no point. And he wavers between the two - sometimes he's so cowed and bruised by the hell this condition puts him through that he's willing to do whatever he has to to get better. But then a well-meaning friend or meditation expert or someone like that says, "You just need to relax. You just need to stop overthinking things." Then that gives him permission to think that perhaps that's all he needs to do. Just relax. And of course he can't and then it gets worse.

Then, his psychiatrist has suggested things like stronger meds (the ones he's on now don't seem to be working) or even hospitalisation. And of course he hears that and goes, "Clearly I'm a complete mental case, I'm insane. By committing to these really intense therapies, I must be truly ready for the nuthouse." And that thought terrifies him so much that he runs back to the people who are telling him that all he has to do is relax, because at least they're telling him that he's not so bad after all, he just needs to take a few deep breaths and light some incense and he'll be fine. I'm certain that the medication is the real key here. He's tried everything else, but the meds seem to really petrify him. He wants to believe that the easy road will solve things - not because he's scared to commit to the hard road, but because it destroys him to think that he's "so bad", in his words, that he needs the strongest possible options. I understand that. It must be terrifying.

I guess I just need to press on for a while - perhaps I give myself a private time limit? And if, in that time, I feel he's really been making every effort to find an effective treatment, then I hang in there. If I feel he's still burying his head in the sand and I'm putting myself through a ringer of pain that is too much for me to cope with, then I guess I have to preserve myself and take a step back.

Thank you so much for all your helpful replies. I'd appreciate everyone continuing to add any advice or experience they can. I think I'm going to need all the help I can get. :)

gf

[gutfeeling]

Wait, one more question. Firebird, I was so interested to hear you say "reasoning like that is part of anxiety". This is something I find fascinating/horrifying about this condition. My (er, boyfriend, friend? Love of my life? Not sure what to call him at the moment. Let's go with friend) friend is one of the smartest people I've ever met. In most areas of his life he's funny and reasonable and brilliant. That's pretty much the main reason I love him like I do. Yet when it comes to matters around his anxiety, nothing NOTHING anyone says seems to really penetrate with him. He understands what I'm saying, or his friends are saying, or his doctors are saying. He gets it on one level. Yet he can reason or argue himself into the opposite corner within seconds, and then back to first base again. Problems that I think are clear cut (things like: the medication you're on now doesn't seem to be working, so let's go ask your doctor for a different one) torture him endlessly. Sometimes he'll say things like "I didn't have this problem my entire life. When I was a kid, this wasn't happening to me. So I don't see why I can't just calm myself down and then I'll be back where I was when I was a kid and it will all be fine." To me, these things seem so irrational, and so strange coming out of the mouth of someone who is otherwise so smart. This is all part of the anxiety, right?

Also, and I'm sorry to keep peppering you all with questions, but do you think it would be helpful to show him this site? Or do you think he's more likely to obsess and worry over it?

[NightOwl]

I agree that people should be trying to better themselves also, but what about the people with anger issues and other issues?  Usually a psych will say "you have to accept people the way they are" with people like that.  So in other words in an ideal world EVERYBODY should be trying to better themselves.  But it's not frequent that someone does.

It all depends on the levels of anxiety too.  Obviously if someone is so bad off it is just miserable being around them, you shouldn't deal with that.

It's just a confusing situation really.  Because if someone loves someone they would be wanting to change, if someone loves someone they would be sticking through a lot while they change, but then looking at it from another angle... it's not always as easy as that for either person.

I figure things that are meant to be end up happening on their own anyway.  You've got to somehow know by gut instinct yet also be aware that nobody is perfect.

[apple]

I have severe anxiety, depression and now fibromyalgia.  I have been with my husband for 6 years, married for 2.  Anxiety is a big deal in our relationship.  However he told me as long as I keep trying...he will be here to help me thru.

Your friend needs to know that meds and therapy does not make him a nutcase.  I would rather be on meds and deal with my anxiety at a level I can handle...than just be a bitch or a freak.  Not put very well but thats how I need to think of it to accept it.

It has not been easy, especially when stressful things happen in our life.  This year was really hard and almost ended our marriage because we watched his father die from leukemia and now its hitting us both hard.  I'm really messed up depressed and anxious beyond belief.  But after a blowout...we realized how he was hurting me, and how I was hurting him.  From there we know what each other needs and are working together again.

The key is communication.  You both, if together, need to get thru it together.  Go with him to a psych appointment and ask what you need to do to help him.  My hubby did that.  You need to let him know that anxiety is a disorder and altho it seems like the devil is inside him at times, it is not who he is.  The deep therapy and treatments are there to give him a chance at living the way he really wants to.  A person needs to actually be at the point where they think the benefits outweigh the risks.

Also...if you get back together and things get hard, you should consider talking to someone to help YOU with your own emotions and help you deal with him.  Hopefully that person will actually help.

It IS possible to have a relationship with someone with anxiety.  It isnt easy, but really worth it if they are really trying to keep fighting.  If they can not keep up the fight and keep serching for answers and help...then there isnt much you can do.  They have to want it or the relationship will not work without both people hurting.

[firebird]

Here's the thing. I'd walk through hot coals to be with him. But even more than that, I'd walk through molten coals to see him get better. Even if at the other side of it we didn't end up together for whatever reason, I'd just be so happy to see him still his mind and stop being so tormented by this beast that engulfs him. He doesn't deserve to feel like this. You're right, it's NOT him. He is not his anxiety. It's literally like this demon that sits on his chest and in his mind and controls him by remote. He even talks of feeling disassociated from his true self, like he's watching someone else disintegrate from a distance. The way I interpret that is that it's almost like the buzzing and torment in his mind is so great that he's forced to split himself into two separate people and observe it from a afar or he won't be able to stand it. Do you think I'm on the right track there? Does anyone else feel like that sometimes?

Yes, you are completely on the right track. I find it realy special that you've been able to understand this problem partly. You must realy love him to be able to do that. It's a beast, it's like a demon. And the day he realizes that it's not him, it's something else inside of him that causes this nigthmare will be a big step in the healing process.

Wait, one more question. Firebird, I was so interested to hear you say "reasoning like that is part of anxiety". This is something I find fascinating/horrifying about this condition. My (er, boyfriend, friend? Love of my life? Not sure what to call him at the moment. Let's go with friend) friend is one of the smartest people I've ever met. In most areas of his life he's funny and reasonable and brilliant. That's pretty much the main reason I love him like I do. Yet when it comes to matters around his anxiety, nothing NOTHING anyone says seems to really penetrate with him. He understands what I'm saying, or his friends are saying, or his doctors are saying. He gets it on one level. Yet he can reason or argue himself into the opposite corner within seconds, and then back to first base again. Problems that I think are clear cut (things like: the medication you're on now doesn't seem to be working, so let's go ask your doctor for a different one) torture him endlessly. Sometimes he'll say things like "I didn't have this problem my entire life. When I was a kid, this wasn't happening to me. So I don't see why I can't just calm myself down and then I'll be back where I was when I was a kid and it will all be fine." To me, these things seem so irrational, and so strange coming out of the mouth of someone who is otherwise so smart. This is all part of the anxiety, right?

Yes yes yes. I can completely relate to that and i understand why your friend is reasoning like that. I also understand your position and how confusing it is for you. In fact it's very simple to explain why your friend is reasoning like this. Imagine you're walking in the forrest and suddenly a big bear runs towards you and he wants to attack and eat you. Are you able to think, talk and behave in a rational way at this moment? Probably not; you will act on the basis of fear/anxiety. A normal person will shut off all other signs in the environment, he will be very aware and conscious of the bear (danger) in front of him. He must be aware of the danger, or else his surviving chances will lower. Secondly, if someones says to you at that moment: come on girl, there's nothing wrong, there's no real danger. Will you be able to believe him?

That's what happens to your friend. Nothing penatrates to him cause he's aware of the danger. He must be aware of the danger, it's a natural defence system. Your friend is in a constant fear and thinks his fear is real. That's why rational thinking is nearly impossible when anxiety levels are high. The only thing that's different is that the fear of your friend comes from the inside. But hat doesn't mean it doesn't exist. It seems scary or horryfing for you, cause you or him can't see the danger.

ButActually, this knowledge is the key to solve his problem. This fear comes from the inside, so he has to solve some issues inside of him. Sometimes these are related to the past (childhood). It's different for everyone. The more he understands what's going on inside of him, the less anxiety he will have. It's not enough to tell him ''just relax'' or ''there's no danger''. There's a difference between knowing something and becoming conscious/aware of something. This last one takes far more time.

Also, and I'm sorry to keep peppering you all with questions, but do you think it would be helpful to show him this site? Or do you think he's more likely to obsess and worry over it? 

To a certain level. For me, it was helpfull to understand my problems. But i needed an emotional breakthrough too. I don't know how old your friend is. My anxiety-nightmare lasted ten years. I'm not completely over it, but i'm able to function at a certain level. I've been hospitalised for a year. It's no big deal, looking back. I think it was a funny time. I learned a lot of things about myself. I wasn't cured after my therapy, but it was one of those steps. This forum could be helpfull for your friend to realize what he has and to understand more about himself. Sticking the head into the sand are normal defence mechanisms when someone is anxious. It's very difficult to break thesedefence mechanisms.

It's a process. There's no codebook. We're talking about emotions. Everybody has his or her own process. I'm sure your friend will be able to solve his problems. You are doing a great job as well.

[gutfeeling]

Thanks everyone again.

You know what I find hardest? When people like his meditation guy tell him he can solve it all by chanting mantras or sitting in front of a shrine he's set up in his room or "just clearing his mind". It's not that I don't think meditation is good for him - I absolutely do. But he needs more than that. At the level he's at - breakdowns and emergency hospitalisation, suicidal thoughts, constant inability to sleep or focus on a conversation - trying to treat his disorder with meditation is like trying to treat a broken leg with a bandage. It stops the pain a little bit while the leg stays completely still, but as soon as he tries to move it (or as soon as something even slightly stressful happens in his life), the bone starts tearing away from the flesh again. Worse, if my friend is given two opinions: one from his psych recommending stronger meds and hospitalisation, one from his meditation guy saying "you just need to sit still", which one is he going to go with? The less scary, less confronting, easier "sitting still" option of course. It means he actually stops listening to his psych because the psych is telling him something he doesn't want to hear - and he's getting a preferable alternative elsewhere.

I actually think it's quite dangerous and irresponsible for someone unqualified like his meditation guy to be giving ANY advice at this stage. By all means, my friend should involve himself with meditation etc once he's stabilised a bit by the medication, but it seems almost reckless for this guy to allow my friend to be relying on him so much when he's in such a bad way. Grrr.

[NightOwl]

The difference in anxiety and broken legs, diseases, etc... is that it's not proven at all that medicines work.  It's only shown that it apparently helps a certain percentage (and not a high percentage, according to most studies).  So it's not as simple as taking meds and it fixes it.

[apple]

I agree that someone who hasn't the qualifications on anxiety and depression to be giving advice.  That is never good.  Meds aren't the only answer but sometimes the clarity it brings can help get thru the emotions and issues causing the anxiety and depression.  Everyone wants the easier way.  I find deep breathing and meditation to help but only temporarily.  Its good to practice it alot...but if he has suicidal thoughts and that disengaged then relaxing may help some symptoms but could also keep you thinking...and thinking too much while depressed is never good.  At least not in my eyes.

I don't know what to say here.  I don't know what is the right way to get thru to him and help him.  Maybe telling him you care and are worried...telling him to try therapy and forget the meds for now.  At least getting him talking to someone who has experience and knowledge about depression and anxiety will be a good step.  Not a psychiatrist because their focus is on medication, but a counsellor or psychologist that actually deal with the issues and emotions he is going thru.  CBT (cognative behavior therapy) is really helpful.

[ocdengineer]

Gutfeeling,

As an anxiety sufferer for most of my life childhood included.  I will give you a little advice.  Meditation or learning to manage your thoughts is probably the most powerful thing that your friend can be doing.  Now, whether he is doing the right thing or not is unclear.  Medication is probably more analogous to the bandaid than meditation.  Meditation cures the mind, meds temporarily alter it.  I can't knock meds completely because I do take Xanax for anxiety, however meditation is what keeps me getting up every day for work, taking care of my family, and living my life.  Xanax just allows me some comfort in the meantime. 

It does sound like he needs help up front from a doctor, but mindfulness meditation is probably the long term solution.  CBT will also help.  It is just a western version of meditation that people don't feel weird doing.  At the end of the day the goal is the same.  To learn to see your thoughts for what they are, nothing, and to not attach yourself to them.  If he can master that, which is no small feat, then his anxiety disorder will get better. 

I think what your friend needs to do right away is study up on what his anxiety issue is.  By reading into anxiety disorders, he can better learn to cope with his.  It will also help you to read up on the same things so you can better understand what he is going through.  I commend the fact that you are here looking for help!  I also think you should definitely show him this site and maybe he can use it as a resource.

It is very clear that you have a great deal of feelings for him and that is wonderful.  Just be careful.  People with anxiety can be very self destructive and anyone attached to them will take the fall as well.  Know when to quit, but in the meantime keep on sending love.  That is the best thing you can do!

Take care,
OE

[gutfeeling]

Thanks again to everyone. You've helped a lot.