Hello!
I'm new to this site too and am concerned that I will be ignored also, but that is just anxiety talking. There are lots of people out here that care and understand what you are going through.
I introduced myself on the social anxiety page because that is what I am currently having the most problems with, but I have a history with OCD more so in my early years of anxiety. I am realizing as I navigate my way through this site and all the posts that I have experienced many types of anxiety which makes me think that maybe they might be all the same thing at their base.
I started having severe panic attacks at age 4 and remember my sister having to physically restrain me and slap me across the face to get me to calm down. She is only one year older than me, so that must have been a lot for her to deal with. I remember having a fixation with numbers from an early age that of course my sister noticed and would tease me about. My number was and is 5 (this number used to control my life, now I just keep it around as my lucky number to remind me how far I've come) No coincidence my id here is pinky5. I used to do everything in 5's - sheets of toilet paper used, times I did things (takes a lot of imagination to find a way to repeat things 5 times while still trying to look somewhat casual) I would go back and check things, and I mean EVERYTHING 5 times until one day I thought to myself " Whatever I think is going to happen by not doing this 5 times couldn't possibly be as bad as this total crap I am living every single day of my life!" So I decided that whenever I could possibly muster up the courage to fight back that I would do the opposite of my usual just to see what would happen. I would do things 2 or 3 times or 7 (or course it couldn't be a multiple of 5 or a factor because that was just a way of cheating or reinforcing 5) I would walk away heart pounding feeling dizzy and sick and thinking about what I had just done and most of the time I would think about it for a long time, but it got easier until one day I got to the point that I would laugh at myself for the way I used to be. I realize now that I did that because I felt like I had no control of my environment when I was growing up and I wanted to feel like I had some control so I created a little mini-universe of my own that only I was living in. It made me feel safe, but it also started to drive me crazy because I didn't know how to create a universe that worked. My advice to you is this: Don't think that overcoming OCD is easy, you need to want to maintain your sanity more than you want to feel safe. Remember there is no control, control is an illusion and just to trust life and most of all to trust in the strength of yourself to handle what life is going to throw your way. As far as practical ways of getting out of checking and re checking, having a list of things to do before you leave the house that you tick off is very helpfull is the beginning of breaking this habit. Have a list around every day of things you need to do and as you do those things and move onto the next thing is something that really helped me. Since you have children no doubt you are frantic and overwhelmed a lot of the time, so the habit of second guessing yourself and re checking is a very easy one to get into. Organization and a calm approach can lead you out of these patterns. I know it's not easy sweetie, but you can do it!!
One last thing I wanted to address in your post was the fear that your children would be molested. I was molested by a friend's father when I was 11 and never told anyone about it until I was 20. I wonder if you might have had a similar experience? I don't have children but I must admit that protecting them from that is something that I hypothetically think about all the time. How do you protect them without instilling fear? It's a very fine line. If my parents would have checked out my Friend's home before I spent time over there they would have seen problems that as a child I didn't recognize. My friend and her mother shared the same bedroom and had bunkbeds. As a child I thought it was a little weird, but cool! What little girl wouldn't want to have a bunkbed with her mom! As an adult I can clearly see what that means. So be smart and responsible, but let your kids have some freedom when you have checked out the situation to the best of your ability.
This post has been rather long. Hope it has been of some help to you.
Rachel
