wow-I've really made this seem real to myself

[brandons_mom]

Hey guys, I've posted on here numerous times to all my fears of something being neurologically wrong with me.  I am still petrified and don't believe as of now that this is all just my OCD, as all my doctor's are attesting to.  I did however, agree to join the intensive cognitive behavioral therapy twice a week and I'm excited ( I think) to see how this all turns out.  My fears are still the same.  I worry that I have something wrong with my brain that is making me lose touch with reality and that I'm forgetting myself, my son and the people I love.  I also worry that I'll forget who God is.  I feel utterly alone and helpless when I feel this way, but lately I feel mostly defeated.  I guess I'm severely depressed and that could explain my lack of emotion, but then sometimes I wonder if I feel too much.  I'm not quite sure as to what I think it causing me to forget people, whether is be a brain tumor, aneurysm, Alzheimer's, or some rare type of infection that is causing me to become demented.  These thoughts plague me all day long to where I can't, literally can't think of anything else.  It's difficult for me to form thoughts and really hard for me to concentrate on one thing in my mind.  I also find it's hard to daydream, I don't know if that makes any sense.  But, of course I think my inability to think is somehow linked to my brain disease.  No doctor will give me a CT scan or MRI, I've asked and they think it's counterproductive to my OCD treatment because the relief will only last days, or weeks at most.  I somewhat agree but still think I'd feel worlds better if I had that reassurance.  I also thought that when I was tested for HIV 4 times......They gave me klonopin to take as needed and I do notice when I take it, my thoughts seem more clear and I feel much more organized in my thinking.  Anyone know why that is or feel the same way?  I don't even know what I'm trying to say, just felt like writing this out.  I'm taking that leap of faith and trusting the doctor's that this is all just my OCD and my brain is fine other than the chemical imbalance.  I pray they're right and I pray I've imagined all this in my mind these last 8 months.  At the same time, it's kind of scary some of the thoughts my mind can come up with and make me believe wholeheartedly...Well, thanks for reading.   

Ash

[Kayteecatt]

Oh please hang in there.  As a fellow mother I beg you to fight this with all you've got.  My heart aches for you.

[angela52884]

Ashley, I am sure you are fine. You have been to the doctors and they all have told you the same thing and what you are describing really sounds like ocd. Keep up posted on how your session goes! Hopefully you are on your way to recovery!!!!

[Noahs Mom]

You've recognized the real demon... And you're working with people to take care of it.  You're doing a great job!

And if for what EVER reason (which you won't... but in the HIGHLY INCREDIBLY Unlikely situation that you could...) you forgot God, God would never forget about you. 

[Mariama]

Hi brandons_mom, I just joined here today. I have a similar worry. I have OCD and also posted this on an OCD board biut I thought I would try here too. :) (I've posted about OCD too just to give some background on it all).
  I've been worrying that I have Alzheimer's Disease/dementia. I've had OCD since I was a teenager (I'm 24 now). It got really bad when I was 16 but I think it started when I was about 14, because there were things I would do ("little habits") before I went to school and went to bed evey night. I mean like routines. But then I didn't really know what OCD was. I mainly worry about illness, I know that's more hypochondria but I also have other worries eg. touching wood and saying things so something bad doesn't happen.
  The illness I worried about mainly was cancer but now it's become dementia. I know that I'm really too young to have it but I just can't stop worrying! It started last year, then went away, then became worse a few months ago. I started worrying I was forgeting things, like how to spell words. A few times I genuinely spelt words wrong and sometimes I would just worry that I had or was going to, I would obsess over it. I got worried that I was writing things wrong, thinking things like "Do I normally put a comma here in the sentence"? I felt spaced out when I was watching TV and worried I wasn't taking in what was going on. Another time I was looking at different websites and got confused about which website I was on.
  Most recently I've started worrying that I don't understand words. I'll be reading something and be fine but all of a sudden I'll get this weird feeling or a weird thought like, "What  does that mean?" and start to panic. I try to tell myself, "I know I understand what that means" but I'm still worried. Or I'll watch Tv and just have the thought come in my head like, "Who's that character?" but then I say to myself, "I know that character is called Jane" or whatever. Sometimes I will just blank on words or sentences, worry that I've forgotten what they mean. Well, it's like a couple of times I genuinely forget and other times I start to worry that I have.
  I also worry that I'm going to forget who people are.  It's like I'm doubting things all the time. I hope what I wrote makes sense. It's really strange and hard to explain. I went to the doctor and told him I was worried about dementia but he said it didn't sound like I had it. I have also thought that if it's not dementia, maybe it's a brain tumour. sometimes I really believe there's something wrong and other times I'm not sure. Anyway, I thought I should let you know it's not just you who worries about it. :)


 

[brandons_mom]

wow Meriama, the post you wrote sounds like it could have been written by me!!! I know exactly what you mean.  I understood all you said perfectly fine, you articulated yourself wonderfully!!!  Well, it seems you're only a year older than I am (just turned 23) and I can't believe at our age we're worrying about Alzheimer's and dementia!!  Mine started after my husband left about 8 months ago, my OCD got 10x worse than it's ever been and I haven't returned to "normal" since, whatever normal is anyway.  I've been to the doctor so many times with my fears of losing my mind/memory and each time they told me it was all in my head, I would get so frustrated because I literally have convinced myself that something is wrong.  My worst fear is forgetting who I am and who my son is.  It seems like my relationship with my loved ones has even changed since this fear started.  How can I manage to make that happen if something isn't truly wrong?  I know what you mean about worrying that you don't understand words, I do it all the time, some days are better than others.  I will be talking and if one word sounds strange when I say it, it trips me up for a good 10 minutes and I sort of zone out and ruminate as to why that word sounded weird.  I can't seem to connect to my surroundings and while I'm told I have depersonalization due to all the stress in my life within the last 8 months, I can't stop thinking it's something much more sinister.  I finally caved in and went to a new hospital the other day, where they don't know I have OCD and they don't know how much I worry or what I worry about.  I told them that I've been having headaches for a month and that I'd passed out 3 times in the past month.  I also told him I feel confused and feel like intellectually, I know where I am and who I am and who everyone else is, I feel like on a sentimental level, I can't connect to anything.  I think when I said that he attributed it more to stress, but said because of the headaches, he wanted to do a brain scan to be safe.  I did a head CT and a complete blood workup, everything came back normal.  I'm not convinced.  I have even been wondering whether or not I went to the doctor or maybe I dreamt the whole thing.  I know it's ridiculous, but I can't stop this thought process.  By the way, I know it's bad, but I lied about the passing out, although I do get tension headaches almost everyday.  No doctor would do any neurological testing and it was driving me NUTS!!!! Now, I should be happy and reassured, but my mind won't let me rest.  Blah blah blah, I won't bore you with any more details lol my life is a mess, let's just put it that way.  Anyways, it seems we have a lot in common, so if you'd like to get in touch with me and talk, let me know.  I've yet to really find someone else with a similar fear, so it's nice to know I'm not alone, although I'm sorry you're suffering   my email is brandons_mom777@0201 and my 0278 IM is brandonsmom_luv4life@0201  let me know if you want to talk some more. 


Ash

[Mariama]

Hi, I'm glad you understood what I said. The whole thing just seems really strange to me that I found it hard to explain. But then I read your post and it sounded similar to what was happening to me. Yeah, I keep trying to tell myself that it's not likely because I'm too young but it's hard. Sometimes I'm convinced there's something wrong but other times I'm as not as sure. Yeah, it really is a relief when you find someone else who is going through the same as you. Although, like you said, I don't want others to suffer. Thanks for your email. I would like to talk some more. I've got to go now but I'll email you later. :)