New here and need direction and some help!

[Josephina]

Hello to you all;

I am new but not with what i am experiencing. I am really gald that i read some things here and actually recognised myself in so many situations and that i am not the only one going through this.
I have been asking myself, why oh why do i need to torture myslef with stupid irrational thoughts, But i must describe how and when this happened.
I do think i have always been a curious person, and also sensitive by nature but i do recall i started to have irrational and obsessive thoughts about my breathing and how i breathe and to focus on it. This thought alone, (i do not know where the hell it came from), is scary alone and let alone to be focused on such a thing, It brought a lot of ditsress and anxiety. I was prescribed medication and even before this whole ordeal i was taking xanax fro anxiety due to my stressed out family, that i am faraway from now. Anyhow i had some other episodes of similar obsessive thoughts, and also later some complusions, that were very annoying. then they all dissaperad and i never thought of any such thing, until i came to Canada 2 years ago and started tapering the xanax, that i did in 9 months and i am 10 months benzo free now. During these 2 yeasr my fear of thinking about the breathing, returned as well as other stpid irrational things, connected to self observation and neagtive obsessive thoughts.
One obsession followed another , with rarely a break from it all. It is accompanied with intense suffering and i am thinking why do i go through this , it is pure mental torture for nothing. What is there in me that makes me do this to myslef, and think of such stupdiities I started to think am i going crazy or what????? Also i started to doubt my "self love" and taht i do not accept msyelf and so many many worried thoughts about myself.
The latest of these irrational thoughts is connected to the children that i babysit and doing them harm, just like a flash in front of me it all came out, I freaked out totally from even such a thought, and instead of eliminating it as something so stupid i got into it and became scared , thinking my mind is getting out of control, Ok now that is over, as i read here and undesrtood a lot of things, that they are just thoughts and the more we pay attention to them, the more powerful they get.
I have alwasy loved children and still do, actually adored them,,,,so why and hwo did this come to my mind???yes i had been watching a lot of crime stories, but still why do i dwell on such irrational thinsg when they do appear>
Well my question is WHY do they appear and how can i change and make my life really easier as all this is so hard and actually makes no sense too. Life is hard enough without these darining episodes!

 

[Josephina]

Hello again;

Can someone please tell me where i get more information and ways how to beat this disorder? I really am fed up with this way of life!

Thanks

[N_Cognito]

I would encourage you to explore this website:

http://www.ocfoundation.org/

Also, take a look at the article on Cognitive Therapy for OCD 0213 http://www.ocfoundation.org/UserFiles/File/cbt%20for%20ocd.pdf

I find some of the tips helpful in exploring what is going on when experiencing intrusive (or unwanted) thoughts. 

What I would encourage you to explore and challenge is this belief you have about yourself in which you state "What is there in me that makes me do this to myself.... ?"
I know you might be thinking, who am I to be challenging you on this, but let me tell you, I have lived with Pure O for twenty years and know exactly what it is like to think this and believe this... that every thought I experienced was something I was choosing to do and I was wrong for it.  If I still believed this, I don't think I would be having this kind of conversation with you and I would be right back there with you.  For people with pure O, intrusive thoughts happen and they are not chosen.  You may feel like it is you choosing them and you may even start to feel confused about who "you" are.  All of this is a result of intrusive thinking... thinking about what you do not want to think about... but what helps really break the cycle is challenging the source, which according to CT are the responsibility beliefs that make a person with pure O feel responsible for every disturbing/uncomfortable thought they have.  If you believe that you chose it, then of course you will feel responsible to do something about it.  I used to pray morning, noon, and night to God apologizing for every bad thought I had through out the day and I did this every day for several years.  Did it make "me" feel better?  I'll leave that up to the reader to decide.  Now, I know it is not me that is doing this... it's just happening and what I do with the thoughts I don't want is... not give them any significant importance whatsoever ,cause if I start to think I chose them and I want them, then I start down a very slippery slope... especially because I have been there before and it makes me more susceptible to falling back into that pattern of thinking.  I still have my moments, where I might feel stuck after an uncomfortable thought comes in my head, but when I stick to keeping myself and who I am out of it, then I can move on and see it for what it is... a passing disturbing thought and that there is nothing at all that I need to do with it.  It takes time to get to place where you don't feel so repulsed by what happens in your mind, but you can get there with dedication and hard work in not responding to the emotional spikes that precede the intrusive thoughts and seeing your emotion for what it is... fear that you will have an intrusive thought.  If you respond to the fear in your mind, wham, you get something you don't want to think about.  I also encourage you to engage in activities that really absorb your mental energy in a way that distracts your mind.  I would play video games, go running, or read.  Another thing that one of the facilitators swears by is meditation.  I think learning to meditate can be a great way of learning to focus and be free of distractions, because, ultimately that is what intrusive thoughts are, distractions and nothing else... they are meaningless... it's the meaning we give them that makes us suffer.  To engage with them at all is to say "intrusive thought" you are worth it and I will pay attention to you cause I did this... remember you never chose this in the first place and if you think you "might have" well you just had another intrusive thought.  Take care and good luck.

[Josephina]

Hi N-Cognito;

Thank you so much for this detailed explanation and guidelines on how i should respond to it and also react.
I do think i understand you completely about the theory of "responsibility" and you are so right, as i was feeling and thinking WHY do i think of this, and then felt bad that i was thinking it, and that tehn i am not capable enough of getting rid of it.

This ofcourse leads me to another thing,. and that is, if it isn't me and not my responsibilty then that measn "something is wrong with me" and there is a dysfunction in my brain!!!!!!!! Wow, when i first read about the explanation of which part of the brain doesn;t respond the way it should, i really got disturbed that i have this mulfunction and that i now am labeled and have a desease. I thought of this while going to work this morning and honestly i didn;t feel good, esepcaially when i thought aslo that there is a part of me (my brain), that i cannot control in the form of intrusive thoughts!!
I want to know are we born like that,. is this a bog desease or disorder , and how bad is it anyhow?
Before i knew some of these things, i was convined that there is some kind of "devil" inside of me working against me, that there is an ANTI - ME that is against me, and that i would have no chance to win it over. That was the major feeling i had and the feeling of no control is truly so scaring! I could not explain how i baceme obsessed (possesed) with such thoughts.
I also was fighting with the eternal" WHY , WHY AND WHY do i have these thoughts, thinking it ws only me, and thinking that if someone else knows about it would make me crazy and that i also thought that soemhow i might be going crazy........and so on,,,,
So these are teh things i have been struggling with these last 6 years.

Hoping to discuss this further and hear many opinions here, i really do need support and advice.

Thank you in advance!

[j_reece]

Wow, ok, I feel so good that I found this website today.  Here's my story:

About 8 months ago, I was reading a true crime book.  For some stupid reason, I started wandering to myself "how can someone be a monster like this?".  The more I was trying to understand these minds, I then got a flash of myself doing some horrible things.  This image wouldn't go away.  This image FREAKED me out so badly that it made me physically sick.  I confided in my husband after 2 days, and he really didn't understand me at all, and just kind of was quiet about it.  After another day of not being able to sleep, no appetite, getting stomach issues, I called my sister.  I started telling her my story and she actually said that she had the same thing happen to her.  My sister is one of the friendliest, loving moms you could ever meet.  She said that watching the news and hearing horrible stories were the trigger.  And that she just had to stop watching the news and they went away.
 
After she told me that, mine went away too.  I guess I realized I wasn't so "weird" after all.

Well, the thought returned 5 days ago, and you know what triggered it?  I was reading the book "The Secret" you know, the one about bringing positive things into your life.  Again, for some reason, by telling myself that I need to be positive (which I pretty much am anyway), the thought popped in my mind again.  I love my child SO MUCH and don't have a mean bone in my body.  So my question is, WHY?  Why does a thought or image that is so horrendous pop into my mind?  After reading everyone else's stories here, I am coming to the realization that it happens to everyone and some of us are just stronger at letting them go and dismissing them right away and for some of us, it ain't so easy.   I'm just a worry wort in general and tend to overthink EVERYTHING in life, so by doing this, it only makes it worse.

Anyway, thank you to everyone.  Glad to know I'm not alone.

[Josephina]

Hi J-Reece;

I also have asked myselg about the same question so many times? Why me and why has it happened?
But i also must say i have had a lot of triggers, i ws so into "crime stories" fascinated by how and what they did, and analyzing their minds and thinking "how can they do such a thing" thinking they are mental cases and so on, I also have read a lot of crime books, especially Patricia Cornwell, one of th ebest according to me a medical examiner. So reading these things and watching them, i guess gives you ideas,,,,,,,but don't all people watch them, and why don;t they obsess over some thought  like that?
I do relate to what you said about your husband , as i also don;t thinkj my husabnd would "ever" undesrtand such thoughts...once when i told him i do have irrational obsessive thoughts, he just looked at me, and said "what do you mean"??????i don;lt understand you,,so i never continued to explain things.

I do hope others can share how they battle these symptoms!

[ocdengineer]

As hard as this may be to swallow, we do this to ourselves.  I do think there is a genetic component to anxiety disorders, but these thoughts are usually started by a trigger, and intense fear of the trigger, and then worry about the next thought that will occur and it becomes a vicious cycle.  However, the good thing is that the thought process that we all deal with and I also have been dealing with this for decades, is just a bad habit.  Kinda like biting your nails.  The more you allow yourself to obsess about the thoughts, the stronger and more frequent they will become.  The key is to face the though head on no matter how scary it is.  Play with them in your head and prove to yourself that thoughts are just mental noise that you can control with practice.  It takes time, but over time you can retrain your brain to not have the thoughts or react in such a way to the thoughts that they don't bother you anymore.  You have to create a habit out of positive thinking and not allowing these thoughts to create fear.  Fear causes the panic and that is what makes you dread the next thought.  I practice mindfulness meditation to practice controlling my thoughts.  It does work, but it does take time and patience!  I have taken many meds and none got rid of the thoughts.  I had to learn to deal with those on my own.  I was able to get rid of the nasty thoughts, but I still have general anxiety now so I take Xanax daily.  It has wokred great and I live virtually symptom free.  Anyway, my advice is to learn as much about Pure O as you can through reading.  Stop Obsessing and Brain Lock are both great books.  I'd also recommend that you look into mindfulness meditation and take 15 minutes a day to practice.  It will help!  It has always worked for me for 20 years. 

Stop asking why and accept the thought as just another irrational noise in your head
Don't worry about the next time you will have a thought because as soon as you do, you will
When you have a thought acknowledge it with no fear and simply return to what you are doing (this takes practice)

There is nothing wrong with your heads, you just got stuck in a bad habit and now must teach yourself out of it.

Take care,
OE

[Josephina]

Yes Ocdengineer, i do have as bad habit and that is what it is now to me.
I ws just thinking of that this morning, that my brain out of habit is searching and thinking what to think of next to scare me, obsession after obsession with no break, But i do beleive that now i have obsession of OCD , contstantly being aware and ready for something next to happen and thinking about it too much, That is really bad and crazy and that is why i constantly ask myself " why am i doing this to myslef and what devil is in me, to make ME suffer...this is truly so stupid and irrational and not logical to other people as to really why i am doing this, or letting the thoughts ramp in my head.
I will try meditation, even though my anxiuos mind has prevented me to do so in the past, but i kno wi need practice and mor edetremination than before. i will look into these books, and try to train my mind into a new way of thinking. I pray to God all this will help me.

[ocdengineer]

Try to bet the fear!  I think that is what is holding you up.  when a thought pops up, don't immediately try to get rid of it.  If you do that with fear then you are making it worse.  Just calmly make a mental note that you are having a stupid thought and go back to what you were doing.  Eventually when the fear is gone the thoughts will be too!  Definitely read the books and keep your chin up.  This is not as bad as many people think.  Most times medication is not the answer unless you have underlying anxiety.  Most times just CBT or consistently practiced meditation will help.  Remember, even if you can't quiet your thoughts, you can still sit and relax for 15 minutes every day.  That alone is quite an accomplishment.  There are days now where I still can't keep my mind quiet, but that doesn't mean I am failing to meditate.  If you can relax and breath then you can meditate.

Good luck,
OE

[j_reece]

Ocdengineer- thank you for sharing the wisdom of dealing with this you have learned first hand.  Again, this weekend, I've had several minor panic attacks when I let myself think about it.  I am so scared of being tormented with this image for the rest of my life, and that's what triggers it.  I was the most normal person until this happened to me.  Like Josephina said, it does make you think "is the devil doing this to me?".

Also Josephina, you mentioned Patricia Kornwell...it just so happened to be a book by her that I was reading when it happened to me.  I haven't read another book on true crime since.

I confided in my therapist friend this weekend.  She finished the sentence for me before I got to tell her what happened to me after reading the book and wanting to understand their mindset.  She said that it's such a common thing to happen to people, but that the fact that I couldn't just let it go was definitely OCD.  I've never been OCD in my life, but she said that I have always had it in me and that this was just a trigger.  Um, ok.  That's makes me feel much better, thanks.  Not.  But, for some reason I am obsessing, and she is probably right.

I would probably NOT be obsessing about it if it wasn't such a monstrous thought.  And THAT's what scares me, that I could imagine such a thing.  Ugh.  I need to just stop already.

[N_Cognito]

Hello again Josephina,

Looks like you have gotten quite a list of responses, which is great.  I have found that just talking about this subject is very freeing.  You mentioned having been silent for some time about what you had been experiencing, that you had been going through it for six years, and that it was somewhat alarming to suddenly feel like you had a disease.  I don't like to think of myself or anyone with pure O as a disease.  Like OE stated, there is likely a genetic component and also, it may be likely that there is something going on in the brains of people with pure O, including myself.   Personally, just like how I perceive my intrusive thoughts, I find my fear of thinking that my brain is diseased as just another road block keeping me from living my life or my capacity to enjoy it.  What I will argue is that for those of us with pure O, we are very lucky, because I personally find that persons with pure O have a greater capacity to cope and adapt with what is going on, than with other more severe Axis I disorders.  I have worked in the field of mental health with individuals with Schizophrenia and Bipolar Disorder and seeing what they lived with, I find myself very lucky.  Ironically enough, I had panic attacks over worrying that I was becoming paranoid and developing Schizophrenia, which is something I had witnessed a friend go through.  Never had I personally had a history of paranoid ideation or auditory hallucinations, but because I had witnessed a friend go through it, I thought to myself, "what if I..."  Suddenly, I started having worries that I was becoming paranoid and "might be hearing things."   But lo and behold, they were intrusive thoughts and they were happening frequently enough that I started having panic attacks at work.  This happened two years ago and this is after I had been better for some time in coping with intrusive thoughts.  It sucked.  I even felt embarrassed in front of an urgent care doctor who told me, you work in mental health, you should know what's going on.  I'm sharing this because I want you to know that you are not alone as is anyone else reading this who think they might be experiencing pure O and I don't find myself to be any more special for feeling more confident in coping with it, cause I still have my days like just like you.  Each day we live and breathe with this stuff and we have not given up and are continuing to cope with something we did not choose.  And for that, you should feel proud and if you don't, then I hope there will come a day that you will.  All of the horrible thoughts about yourself do have a source just like you said with the Patricia Cornwell novels having an effect on you.  My friend developing Schizophrenia had an effect on me and my thinking.  Triggers happen and you will know when you are getting better when you can suddenly recognize, hey it's not me, it's another intrusive thought and there is a source of what triggered it.  How much easier it feels to know it's just a garbage thought triggered from somewhere out there in the world and not some established truth about ourselves, at least that's what I discovered when I realized my intrusive thoughts were not me or my responsibility to get rid of.  I just want to thank you for taking the time Josephina to share your story and contribute your part.  I hope some of the suggestions provided regarding CT and meditation will be helpful for you and how much more interesting it would be if it was something else altogether that ends up working for you.  I like to think I have all the answers sometimes, but I know I don't.  Like OE, we try to share with others what has worked for us.  For him it is meditation and for me, it has been CT, reading a bunch of philosophy, and learning to challenge my thinking/beliefs that have reinforced my anxiety.  I think we all have our strengths and can discover what works best for us based on what motivates us.  Good luck in your journey and feel free to e-mail me or at least I hope to see more posts from you on this site.  Take care.

-NC

[j_reece]

N_Cognito, I just read your post to Josephina, and it made me feel so good.  You could have been talking to me, your words were so accurate to my situation.  I never realized until just this last week how important therapists are in this world.  Thank you.

[Josephina]

Thanks to you all fro writing back to me, with such winderful words and advice.
Yes i beleive fear is the key ingredient that is causing these thoughts. Like in a constant wirl of anxiuos thoughts and all this is also anxiety. To relax and change my thoughts into positive i know is the only answer.
I have ahd many frustartions since i came here to Canada i am still waiting after 2 years for my immigrant status and back home i was a teacher and had a great life standard and here i am now nothing and still have no rights, it will be over soon but i suffered greatly from this, perhaps my ego actually did. My past also haunting me and so all thsi has created me to feel initially bad.
I do beleive these are my triggers!

You all take care!