just joined..new member intro..

[psych4genie]

I have battled some form of OCD since age 14. It is almost 20 years of fighting with this..There have been good times, and bad times too. Never taken any therapy or medication for OCD specifically. I guess I considered myself a mild case.

I suffered my first panic attack just about two weeks ago..It was real bad.

My OCDs keep morphing. Never had the classic ones like hand washing, fear of germs etc. I deal with more abstract ones. Thoughts, very intrusive, persistent negative thoughts. What hellish negativity is inside my skull..Does medication magically stop these thoughts? How do they work? I am now wondering what exactly is a thought anyway? Is it just a neuron firing or electrical impulse? Is that how the drug works by just shutting off this firing? What is CBT?

I have read Brainlock and some other books (the boy who couldnt stop washing)..Without those books, we will have no clue to what is going on inside.

Hang in there folks..This site is absolutely great. Very knowledgeable moderators and members sincerely wanting to improve. We are all in this together and we will kick the butt of OCD one day.

Thanks..

[ocdengineer]

Have you tried meditation?  It sounds like Pure O to me which is unwanted intrusive negative thoughts or images with know discernable compulsions.  It sucks.  I have also lived with it most of my life.  Medication will not take away the thoughts, but medication can take away the anxiety that comes with the thoughts.  For me it was easier to deal with the thoughts without meds and then take meds for the anxiety I had left over after the thoughts were taken care of.  I take xanax and it works great for me, but the only way to stop the thoughts is to practice detaching yourself from the thoughts.  As long as you allow them to cause you fear, they will always get worse.  The more you learn to play with them and not care about them the less frequent they will become.  It is a lot of work, but with hard work comes great rewards.  I'd give mindfulness meditation a try.  It has worked very well for me for the last 10 years or so.  I quit for a long time, but it came back and back to the meditation I went.  I have been pretty much intrusive thought free for the last couple of years.

Take care,
OE

[N_Cognito]

Like OCDengineer said, it's the Pure O form of OCD you are experiencing.  I have dealt with it, since the age of 12.  Really fun great stuff as you know all too well 
CBT is cognitive behavioral therapy and it has shown to be helpful in treating OCD.  Specifically, it is helpful in challenging the fundamental flaws of thinking that reinforce the vicious cycle of pure O.  Responsibility belief leads to intrusive thought leads to anxiety leads to responsibility belief... otherwise known as what I like to call the Bermuda Triangle.     The common responsibility belief for persons with pure O is this... "I am responsible for my thoughts and my thoughts are a reflection of me."  Challenging this belief and coming to terms with accepting that you are not responsible for the worst of thoughts you could possibly experience is the first step to getting better.  It is best to find a CBT therapist who is trained to work specifically with persons with OCD and are using the latest CBT research to treat it.  CBT is most commonly used to treat depression, but that is a whole different animal and you want to avoid the Beck version of cognitive therapy, which is more designed for challenging beliefs associated with depression.  Medication... well... it's just a band aid... it can make you feel better in the short-term, but it ultimately will not cure the vicious thought cycle... it will just reduce its severity and if you are just taking medication... then you will have to keep taking it.  I have not taken the stuff since I was 20 and I'm doing just fine, but ultimately you have to find what works best for you.  Take care.

[psych4genie]

Thanks to OCDE and N_Cognito for responses..I have Pure O issues..OCDE you said thoughts are just thoughts..what matters is action. I agree with that in principle. But let me explain my current Pure O problem.

On sundays, I must shower and use a certain shampoo. I forgot to do that this sunday..This hasn't happened in many years. On monday morning, before getting to work I realized this.. It was like a bolt of fear ripping through my body..like end of the world situation. Most people will think..oops I forgot to shampoo..no worries..will do that tonight or tomorrow..be all right. But for me, that is not acceptable. Forgetting to shampoo on sunday is a disaster. As you said, it is just a thought ..thoughts can crop up and mean whatever..but If I get to work realizing that I haven't shampooed on sunday is trouble for me. It affects my behavior with my co-workers, friends at work..I can't concentrate..my work will suffer. So I ended up taking a second shower on monday morning..used my shampoo..had a reasonably okay day at work..but still it is not perfect..Doing shampoo on monday is not same as doing it on sunday, when I could be relaxed. So I have to wait for next sunday..get a great shower with shampoo..and things will turn out be right after that..

If I did go to work yesterday without taking that second shower..I will have extreme anxiety..It AFFECTS my speech at work..When I speak, I will have a slurred speech..now what is the connection between shampooing and communication at work? nothing to an outside observer..But to me, it is a real problem..I really forget words while talking..I am unable to construct a simple coherent sentence..It is like I am reduced to a dumb incapable moron..

How can a succesful professional who is very very good at his job be reduced to such a moronic state- all because he didnt use a shampoo on sunday!!! This sounds so ridiculous and laughable..but that is what happens to me..

Now shampooing is just one thing..I have many others like that..I carefully keep a checklist of things I cannot afford to forget..If I forget any of them, I cannot speak properly at work..my friends will think I have gone crazy..my behavior at worj becomes so irrational and unexplainable.

I have some other serious Pure O thoughts too..They involve my spouse and child..They are most terrible..I dont even want to think about them now..But I know they are completely irrational.

I have alos managed to kick some of my Obsessions out too..LIke I had this one which lasted for more than 2 years..it made me miserable everyday..finally I said enough is enough and stopped doing it..In a flash, that stopped tormenting me. Never bothered me again. This means obsessions are not a habit..They can be killed in an instant if I have the tools and means to do so.It is like we have to counter Obsessive thoughts with rational intelligent ones..beat the pure O down. Not always easy with all types of obsessions though.

-psych4genie

[ocdengineer]

Psych4genie,

I retract my initial thought that Pure O is it.  It sounds like classic OCD to me.  Of course the thoughts are the same, but they are clearly connected to your day to day activities through compulsions that you must work through.  Gosh, I have read a lot about OCD and every book I have read says that you have to learn to trust in your self and not in your thoughts.  Thoughts are just noise in your head, but when you attach them to actions or the possibility of actions they start to feel real.  For the shampoo on Sunday thing.  Using exposure and response techniques, you should try and not shampoo on Sunday more often and learn to fight the anxiety.  I understand that the anxiety is probably ridiculous, so is there some compromise you can make or intermediary step you can take to start to get rid of this compulsion?  Maybe shampooing on Monday morning before work?  then slowly start to work that day around until it isn't so powerful.

As for the thoughts themselves.  I have dealt with them since the 2nd grade, so I have a couple decades under my belt too.  I found that the meditation was the only thing that helped me to control the thoughts.  Meds can make the anxiety decrease, but the thoughts linger on.  Anyway, would you really trust a medication that can alter your thoughts?  Seems kinda dangerous to me...

You said that you have Pure O thoughts too that involve your spouse and child.  You said, "I don't even want to think about them now".  You actually do want to think about them over an over until they don't cause you fear.  Avoidance will just make them more powerful.  I'd turn the thought into a positive action.  for instance a thought about hurting your child comes up.  Give your child a hug and tell he or she how much you love them.  Same with your spouse.  As you have these thoughts and you practice thinking them, learn to alter them until they are almost silly and laughable.  They are just thoughts, so by thinking about them and altering things, you should be able to create whatever story you want in your head.  Over time you will see that they are just noise and that the only thing that can allow a thought to cause a reaction is you.

Check out the books, "Brain Lock" and "Stop Obsessing".  They were both helpful to me and reading also really helps me to keep my mind focused on things other than nasty thoughts.  After years of practice I am now relatively unscathed by the negative thoughts.  I still have general anxiety which I take Xanax for, but the thoughts are pretty much gone and when they do pop up, it is almost always during a time of stress, and I can dismiss the thought without fear.  I think that is where you want to go and only meditation was able to help me achieve this.

Take care,
OE