Relationship anxiety

[mlaldrich]

I am a 37 year old woman who has had a lot of medical issues in the past.  I have had my pituitary gland removed because of a brain tumor on it, so I take all replacement hormones now to replenish what the pituitary did.  I've been pretty successful in my life in most respects, but I have never had any luck having a relationship.  I get soooooooooo anxious that I feel like throwing up whenever I'm with a man and as a result, I've pushed anyone who likes me away.  But I've met someone now who is so kind and patient and understanding of me and my medical issues.  I've talked to him a lot (mostly on the phone) about a lot of things in my life...more than I've ever talked to anyone other guy.  He's really a great guy and I want sooooooooo much to be with him, but I can't eat.  Not just when I'm with him, but 24/7.  I force every piece of food that I eat into my mouth.  I try so hard to calm down and stop thinking so much about it.  I try to not be anxious and just be myself.  But I'm nauseous and I can't do it.  I'm making myself sick and I can't afford to lose any weight...I'm quite small from the tumor and I'm only 4' 9" tall and weigh (well, I did weigh...I know that I've lost weight over this) 85 pounds.  I don't want to lose this guy.  In fact, I freaked out on him on email and told him that I was having a panic attack and I can't do this and I'd understand if he never talked to me again, but he wrote me back that he was scared, too, and we could be scared together.  And I was glad that I was not successful in pushing him away...I really DO like him and want to be with him.  I don't know what to do.  I saw my doctor who gave me zoloft, which made me feel sooooooooo much worse (in fact, after taking that was when I freaked out at him on email) and xanax to take as needed, which is pretty much all the time, although I really don't want to take it all the time.  I am currently seeing a cognitive behavioral therapist, but I've only seen him once and he didn't have another appointment for me until next week.  Meanwhile, this guy wants me to go out with him on Friday and I am going to a wedding of a co-worker's of his on Saturday and I'm so afraid that I'm going to throw up on him that I can't stand it.  Am I the only one out there who is like this?  I feel like I'm a freak who can't handle something that is just so simple for everyone else.  Please tell me that there is hope out there.  Thanks.

[hopelessromantic]

Honey you need to get those nerves under control...that's what's making you nauseaus and wanting to throw up all the time - I've been there.....you may need stronger medication - go to your doctor and tell him/her what's going on....I got down to 98 pounds from 125 because my nerves wouldn't let me eat....so the date is tonight and the wedding is tomorrow? Please write back and tell me how it all turned out....in the meantime have you always been that small?

[mlaldrich]

I am seeing my doctor on Tuesday afternoon and that just can't come soon enough, you know?  I'm this small because of the pituitary tumor that I had...it stopped my growth when I was 10 years old.  So, yeah, I'm making myself more anxious when I think about how little I'm eating and how much weight I'm losing over this.  I get so nauseous that it's just ridiculous...I can barely talk, no less kiss a guy, you know?  But yes, the date was tonight (or should I say last night...it's after midnight now) and no, I really wasn't able to eat too much, although I did eat a little (very little).  I felt a little better once the whole restaurant thing was over, but was still anxious.  I had taken a xanax (doctor had given me the smallest dose because of my size) a couple of hours before the date when I was still at work, and it calmed me down a bit at work, but my nerves came back when the date time came closer.  It makes no sense...HE doesn't make me nervous, he really doesn't.  But here I am with all this anxiety that I just don't know what to do.  Anyway, we sat and talked and were holding each other and it just feels right...he makes me comfortable.  Not enough to eat, but comfortable all the same.  In fact, we had "the talk" about what exactly we were and yes, we did decide that we are boyfriend and girlfriend now.     Now if I could just eat, everything would be great.  I know that I will be taking a xanax before the wedding tomorrow, too.  I hope it will be enough.  I hope that eventually I get a grip and get a handle on this or else I will disappear into nothing.  So, I see the therapist on Monday afternoon and the regular doctor on Tuesday and I hope I make some headway at some point with all this.  Thanks for your support!

[hopelessromantic]

Instead of food, I wonder how you would do with those supplement drinks, like Ensure or maybe even milkshakes....at least the Xanax helped a little....glad you had a good time with him, I'm sure that being around him makes you happy which will take some of the focus off your nerves and eating....so if you are 85 lbs. now what weight would the doctor like to see you at? Closer to 100? And let me know how the wedding turned out too....

[mlaldrich]

Yeah, I've been trying to eat things like yogurt smoothies and things like that.  I'm not too into Ensure...back in 1986 when I was in the hospital being diagnosed with my pituitary tumor, I didn't feel hunger so they forced me to drink Ensure.  Used to make me puke, so I can't stand the taste even today.  I'm wondering if Carnation Instant breakfast would be better, but I haven't tried it yet.  85 pounds is actually a good weight for me...I went through most of my adult life weighing around 75 until I was put on adult dose growth hormone, which allowed my body to "even itself out" if you will, and I gained about 10 pounds on it.  I suppose weighing between 90 and 100 would be better, but remember I'm only 4' 9", so it's not like I'm supposed to weigh all that much anyway.  But I've lost 7 pounds since having difficulty eating when this all started.  I also live with my parents (they ran into financial difficulties when I was sick, so we pool finances now) and they are NOT helping me through this.  They tell me that I shouldn't be with this guy since being with a guy makes me sick and I'm dying and they miss their daughter that they used to know and I'm not her anymore.  It makes me even more upset and then I can't eat even more.  I wish they would just leave me alone, I feel that if people just ignore my "eating problem" it makes it easier for me to eat.  My friend from NY visited me last weekend and she said to me that she didn't care if I ate...she just said to feed her.     So, since she wasn't judging me or watching me, I was able to eat better with her.  We had fun at the wedding, but I was nauseous most of the night.  I guess it makes it worse since I don't exactly tell HIM that I'm nauseous (what on earth would I say?  Hey...I like you, but you make me sick????), so I didn't eat much, but we had fun being there together and we slow danced, which was nice.  I ate better today since I sat here alone in my room and forced myself to eat, but then my parents had a fit with me again tonight because they saw me struggling through dinner.  Meanwhile, I had eaten a fruit cup, yogurt smoothie, scrambled egg, a chicken tender, cole slaw, a cup of yogurt and an ice cream today, so that's an awful lot for me to eat lately, so by the time dinner came, I was back to pretty much struggling and I ate 3 chicken wings and it was hard to do and they saw me struggle and then they yelled at me.  I was going to eat more, but now I can't because I'm all upset over that.  Sigh...I really hope that the therapist can help and that I can get put on some medication that works better than the xanax.  I took one this morning and I think that it worked enough to help me to eat, but it isn't enough when I'm really panicked, like when I'm going to go out with Jim. 

[NightOwl]

Which flavor of ensure did you drink back then?  I like the chocolate flavor, but if that's the same flavor as back then, I guess you wouldn't want it.  If it was a different flavor you could try it.  :p

[apple]

I would definitely try another brand of supplement, I never liked ensure but I liked boost, and only one flavor.

There is gravol now that helps upset stomachs without making you sleepy, it is made with ginger.  Maybe that could help.  Definitely keep talking to your doctor and keep searching for the right treatment for yourself.  If this man is willing to hold you thru this...dont let him go, they are very rare..and it is nice to have someone that accepts you just the way you are.  Embrace that.  You will find some med combo or counselling that will help, just dont give up when it doesnt work.  Just try something else.  I suffered 17 years, and tried about the same amount of meds before finding the things that work for me.  It wasnt easy and there were times I thought I would never feel better...but it was worth it not to give up.  I love my life now!  Its not perfect, but its still really good.  I pray for you.

[hopelessromantic]

Well from your last post it seems that one of your problems causing you anxiety would be your parents -

They tell you that you are dying and that they miss the daughter they used to know????? Did your doctor tell you you are dying?!

And they yelled at you because you couldn't eat?

I am so sorry that your problem has to be compounded by insensitive people, no matter if they are related to you or not, that's not right and it's not helping you....

Your friend sounds very caring and sympathetic....glad you have that support....

[apple]

Ask your doctor about Klonopin/clonazepam.  It is similar to xanax but works better and longer in my opinion.

When I was living with my parents my Mom told me my meds werent working and I needed to see a psyc again because I started dating my now husband and she didnt like that.  I did eventually move in with him and she was so angry with me.  Later she took back her words because he was a stand up guy.

Let us know how your doing

[mlaldrich]

I'm so glad I found this group...you guys are all awesome people here who are supporting me.  Yes, I do believe that my mother is NOT helping at all when it comes to my eating issue.  Being yelled at does NOT help and being told that you are dying does not help either.  I am NOT an anorexic.  I am pretty much the opposite of one, I know I need to eat, I want to want to eat.  So, for now, I've been kind of avoiding my parents and am focusing on getting used to being in my relationship and am taking comfort from him and all my other friends.  I've been eating much better this week and have found that the food is going down much easier, even though I have a lunch date with him tomorrow.  I'll worry about that tomorrow, and hopefully I won't have to "worry" about it at all, but just have fun on it.  If I eat with him, fine, if not, well, I'll just bring the food back with me to work and eat it later on.  I'm going to Chicago this weekend to visit a friend and hopefully we will just have fun and go out and I'll eat better to try to gain back some of the weight I lost.  My therapist pointed out to me the whole problem I'm having with my mother, too, and I know that I will have to address it at some point, but I don't want to get upset further, since I need to make sure I'm ok enough to be able to go to Chicago.  I will definitely deal with my mother after I get back and she will see that this guy is really a good guy for me.  For now, she sees it as "he's making me sick."  It's not him...it's my anxiety.  And I'm working on that. 

Wish me luck on my lunch date tomorrow!   

[hopelessromantic]

Is your dad any help at all?

I was diagnosed anorexic when I was a kid because I couldn't eat due to nerves - the doctor had that one so wrong but I was too young to understand....I wasn't afraid of gaining weight, the problem was I was so nervous about going to school that everything I ate rumbled and gurgled to where I thought it would come back up, and being terrified of vomiting just added to the pressure...

So I can relate to your eating problems....I sure don't have that problem anymore....I probably eat too much at times!

Let me hear about your lunch date....

[mlaldrich]

OMG, my lunch date went SO well!  I was so nervous this morning and I ended up taking xanax, but I was still nervous.  I tried to occupy myself at work by doing schedules and things like that.  Well, he showed up and met all my co-workers and then we went across the street to the pizza place.  I ordered a slice and so did he and we sat and I actually ate most of it.  I couldn't handle the whole thing, but I did eat most of it and I was really proud of that (sad, I know).  He ate the rest of it and then we went for a nice walk down Main Street.  I really didn't want to go back to work, it was just so nice being there with him.  I really think that eventually this is all going to be ok.  It's sad that it's this hard to get there, though.  I've lost 8 pounds and my doctor half had a fit when I went to see him yesterday.  He said that one of the reasons I've been so nauseous is that my stomach had so much acid in it from being empty for so long, so he prescribed me some zantac to take before meals.  We'll see if it helps or not, but so far so good...I ate dinner tonight, too, and am going to get a snack before going to bed in a little while.  It's so weird, since eating hasn't been a problem for me in so long, but bring a guy into my life and I fall apart.  But I think I'm slowly but surely getting used to the idea...   

[hopelessromantic]

Well every report about time with the guy sounds very positive!!! 

And perhaps the Zantac will help with the excess acid....

We'll just take it one day at a time, but so far we're heading in the right direction!

[mlaldrich]

I think the zantac has definitely been helping...I don't feel so nauseous anymore and I've actually been hungry the past 2 days!  I haven't seen my boyfriend since our lunch date, but I've talked to him on the phone and don't even get that stomach churning jitters anymore.  I'm hoping that I'm calming down and it will keep getting better, but I'm tentatively optimistic about it for now.  Don't want to shout it out too loudly in case it comes back.  What a horrible feeling of not being able to eat and feeling so sick all the time.  I can't believe I've actually had dry heaves over all this, too, in these past few weeks!  But the zantac really seems to help, it really does.  Hopefully I'll be able to eat now and try to gain the weight back that I've lost.  I'll be going to Chicago this weekend to visit a friend so I won't see my boyfriend now until maybe next Wednesday.  I'm really going to miss him, but I'm looking forward to getting back together with him after I get back and seeing if I can have a nice meal with him and not feel like throwing up but just enjoy it.  Sigh....why do things that should be so simple have to be so hard????  :)

[NightOwl]

I'm wondering the same thing (simple thigns being hard).  :)
\
My stupid acid problem is a huge infliuence on me also.  I can't get rid of it totally no matter what I try unfortunately.  Always makes it tougher if physical symptoms get int he way like that.

[mlaldrich]

I know what you mean...I kind of don't even know what other people are talking about when they say they are nervous, but they just go about their lives like nothing is wrong.  Mine comes out in such physical ways.  And it's only for certain things...I can deal with work stress just fine.  But have a guy say he likes me and I just about fall apart.  Makes no sense...